// BOOKMARK LIST //BK stands for bookmark, al lot of these index ones have random asterisks in them so my bookmarking system continues to work, just ignore them //BK(number) bookmarks the start of a quote list (ex: BK*1 bookmarks the singleQuotes list) //An S after a BK(number) stands for BK(number) shipping, NS is the same but it refers to nonshipping //BK*F bookmark functions (start of functions) //BK*SL Swear list (for censorship purposes)F //BK*C chat code //BK*P means bookmark progress (bookmarks the spot where I'm at combing through the quotes to sort them properly) //I just use these with ctrl+f to jump around cause I'm too lazy to scroll // User input variables numPeople = 1 people = [makeDefaultList()] swearsCensored = [swearBox.checked] shippingDisabled = [!shippingBox.checked] nonshippingDisabled = [!nonshippingBox.checked] nsfwDisabled = [!nsfwBox.checked] clicked = quoteButton curQuote = placeholder // Quote counts for sake of ease singleQuoteCount = [singleQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + singleQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + singleQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + singleQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength] doubleQuoteCount = [doubleQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + doubleQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + doubleQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + doubleQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength] tripleQuoteCount = [tripleQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + tripleQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + tripleQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + tripleQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength] quadQuoteCount = [quadQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + quadQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + quadQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + quadQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength] pentaQuoteCount = [pentaQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + pentaQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + pentaQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + pentaQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength] hexaQuoteCount = [hexaQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + hexaQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + hexaQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + hexaQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength] totalQuoteCount = [singleQuoteCount + doubleQuoteCount + tripleQuoteCount + quadQuoteCount + pentaQuoteCount + hexaQuoteCount] // Words stuff for the actual website bit for easy editing title 🏳️‍🌈Incorrect Quote Generator🏳️‍🌈 instructions Enter people below. You can add less than six, but you have to have at least enough to fit your number selection (any will accept any). Names (including extra ones) will be selected from and placed randomly into the quotes.
NOTE: Disabling NSFW only disables dirty jokes. It does not remove all chance of jokes about alcohol or drugs, and I had to hand-sort all of the quotes so I can't guarantee that I haven't missed something here or there. Also: disabling swears may result in some accidentally censored words that are not swears. disclaimer (All quotes yoinked from Tumblr, bash.org, twitter, and also suggestions from friends & users)

Current quote counts
Single: [s = singleQuoteCount]
Double: [d = doubleQuoteCount]
Triple: [t = tripleQuoteCount]
Quad: [q = quadQuoteCount]
Penta: [p = pentaQuoteCount]
Hexa: [h = hexaQuoteCount]
Total quotes: [totalQuoteCount] errorMessage You've inputted too little names for your quote selection. Please add more names or change your number selection. If you would like to have the generator automatically adjust to your number of names, then select the "any" option. secretMessage Remember to drink water. And also take your meds if you have those and are supposed to take them. Also, have a nice day if that's a possibility. Happy pride month y'all! 🏳️‍🌈 I hope y'all are doing great, and remember to respect eachother's pronouns! // Output picks list depending on numPeople selection from user output [assignNames(makePersonList()), curQuote = censorSwears(quotes.selectOne.toString())] ^[clicked == "quoteButton"] [replaceNames(curQuote)] ^[clicked == "shuffleButton"] Congratulations! You've stumbled upon a secret message from me (the programmer of this generator): [secretMessage] ^[.0001] // List that I use to convert the quote list (adjusted to user input) into a perchance quote list because for some reason the censorSwears function won't take it any other way quotes [makeQuoteList()] // QUOTES // For quotes requiring only one name, BK1 singleQuotes shipping //One name quotes with shipping, BK1S nsfw //BK1S-NSFW [p1], on the phone: So no head?
[p1]: *Throws phone and breaks skateboard* sfw //BK1S-SFW [p1]: I would never say that my partner is a bitch and I don’t don’t like them. That’s not true… My partner is a bitch and I like them so much! [p1]: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one. [p1]: Pros and cons of dating me.
[p1]: Pros. You'll be the cute one.
[p1]: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin- nonshipping //One name quotes without shipping, BK1NS nsfw //BK1NS-NSFW [p1]: You want to know why people are so afraid of clowns? Well you know what people say about how their feet aren't the only thing that's big? And how people who drive really big cars have small dicks? Well clowns are out there with their big feet and tiny cars... [p1]: "What are you into?" is such a broad question, like do I reply with a TV series or choking? [p1]: Plants are basically the ideal friends. They are quiet, friendly, and easy to please. All they need is a little water and fresh earth, and they are perfectly happy to lie there all day in the sun. And they don’t make increasingly awful life choices, or hide their relationships. They have never, as far as I know, fucked a bee. [p1]: I am so horny and angry all the time. [p1]: Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.." [p1]: I am not a whore, and, not that I’ve done the math, but, if I were, I’d be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel. [p1]: To everyone who has treated me poorly; I am sexier than you. [p1]: Life keeps fucking me and I can't remember the safeword. [p1]: I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly. [p1]: I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room. [p1]: If we were in prison you guys would be like my bitches. sfw //BK1NS-SFW [p1]: I was put on this earth to do one thing.
[p1]: Luckily I forgot what it was so I can do whatever I want. [p1]: I just wanted to say that over the years, I have come to regard you as… people I met. [p1]: If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need.
[p1]: Not all this "how did you get into my house" business. [p1], working at McDonald's: Sorry sir, we don't serve a McFuck here, so either you throw that one slice of pickle out or we're gonna have a McProblem. [p1], lying on the floor, depressed: I'll never be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber. [p1]: Raisins. It's nature's candy. [p1]: I'm against crime, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. [p1]: If the thought of something makes any of you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume you’re not allowed to do it. [p1]: *Picks up hammer and breaks ringing cell phone.* [p1]: Keep it running. *Tosses keys over shoulder into empty parking lot.* [p1]: If I fall down these stairs, I'm just going to lay down and accept my fate. [p1]: Say no to drugs.
[p1]: Say yes to drugs.
[p1]: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs, cause if you're talking to drugs... then you're on drugs. [p1]: Reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, bye! [p1]: Yeah, I'll smoke a joint tonight, but let's not get too crazy.
*The gang proceeds to get arrested for blocking the road in large traffic cone costumes* [p1], furious: What do you mean we have homework tonight? I have books to read. [p1]: The only straight I am is a straight-up badass. [p1]: Yeah, well I've never died so how do I know that god is real. [p1]: I'm yet to properly begin my history notes BUT!!!! I got 100% on a quiz about european countries so who's the REAL winner here. [p1]: Hello friends!
The Squad:
[p1]: You might be wondering why I’m taped to the ceiling [p1]: I hate when people ask me, 'What did you do today?' Buddy listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don't KNOW! [p1]: Wow, left handed AND British? You really are an illusion. [p1]: Be careful, I thrive on negative attention. [p1]: I hate taking off my glasses, because without them, my vision goes from Full HD all the way down to buffering at 240p and I just can't handle that. [p1]: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be? [p1]: I’m a fool, not an idiot. [p1]: What can therapy do for me that screaming in my car for 30 minutes can’t? [p1]: Quitting! It's like trying, but easier. [p1]: ...This is one of those moments where it doesn't really matter what I have to say, isn't it? [p1]: Is this a good idea?
[p1]: Probably not.
[p1]: Do I care?
[p1]: No. [p1]: Hello, my name is Failure, and you're watching my life crumble into pieces.
[p1]: *waves their finger and sings like they're in a Disney Channel intro* [p1]: I wish I was a cat, but not in a furry kinda way, more like a “I can sleep all day and hit people with no consequences” kinda way. [p1]: Woah dude, premarital handholding? That’s just not cool or groovy. [p1]: I'm hot, I’m tall, I'm gay, and I'm on my theatre kid arc. [p1]: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren! Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like [p1]*
[p1]: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10. [p1]: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died.
[p1]: I will not yield. Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut?
[p1]: Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass. [p1], after getting a library card: Now I know what true power feels like. [p1], digging their grave: Long story short, this is my grave.......Want me to make you one too? [p1]: *watching their house burn down*
[p1]:
[p1]: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything. [p1]: Hello, I'm [p1]. I work at a shop now. Here to help. Look, they gave me a badge with my name on it in case I forget it. Very helpful, as that does happen. [p1]: Please! Pretend I'm useful! [p1]: I wish I had acid. Thank you, Jesus. Amen. [p1]: Hello, McDonald's, I would like to purchase 130 chicken nuggets. Prepare yourselves. [p1]: Caw caw, motherfuckers. [p1]: I do two things and two things only. I devastate sorry motherfuckers, and get shit done as an awesome leader. [p1]: Be right back, gonna hit the toilet for a quick power sob. [p1]: *Takes a sip of milk and gags*
[p1]: Oh my god, is this expired?
[p1]: *Takes another sip of milk* [p1]: Maybe the real monster was the friends we both literally and figuratively murdered along the way. [p1]: So according to the cease and desist order I got, apparently you can’t ‘legally’ be a lawyer if your license is ‘cut out of a cereal box’. [p1], holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK. [p1]: *Plays Slender: The Eight Pages*
*Jumpscare*
[p1]: *Jumps back* OH SHIT, IT'S A WHITE GUY!!! [p1]: I just learned a way to get stuff on the cheap. Steal it! [p1], explaining why they are not allowed to cook: I put the noodles in the pot and put the pot on the stove and turned the burner on high. Turns out you don't put noodles in marijuana and I almost burnt the whole house down. [p1]: Editor's note: What the fuck? [p1]: I regret getting dragged into your heterosexual tomfoolery. [p1]: Valentines Day? I'm ready. *Sprays an entire can of AXE body spray on themselves* [p1]: I have a philosophy in life; if the seat is open, the job is open. That’s how I came to briefly drive a Formula 1 car. [p1]: I have seen a lot of murders in my time, and all six of them were today. [p1], looking at a dead phone: How do we bring this thing back to life? Magic? Live sacrifice? I know a guy in town- [p1]: I would do anything for money.
*later*
[p1], covered in blood: THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS! [p1]: Here's two facts about me.
[p1]: 1. I hate hot people.
[p1]: 2. I'm a hypocrite. [p1], at the slightest provocation: I came into this earth screaming and covered in someone else's blood and and I'm not afraid to leave the same way. [p1]: Like they say, "If you can't beat them, curl up in a ball and protect your organs." [p1]: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude. [p1]: Don't ask me what I'm talking about. I don't know, okay? I'm just the vessel. The message has been gifted. I've moved on. [p1]: You can take away my rights, but can you take away my lefts? [p1]: I know what a prism is! It's where you put bad people. [p1]: Money... Is like president trading cards. [p1]: New challenge! Don't say stupid shit for 24 hours! [p1]: I'm feeling it! What am I feeling? Death, probably. [p1]: Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good? [p1]: In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t “fit in” and I don’t WANT to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird. [p1]: I once tried to play a pirated copy of Garfield Kart, when Garfield jumped out of my PC! We are currently married with three beautiful children and a summer house in Lisbon. [p1]: You were wise to seek help from the world's most deadly weapon.
[p1]: It's me. [p1]: I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” [p1]: No thanks.
[p1]: I'm god. [p1]: I’m a bad person, I’m a very bad person, I’m a horrible person.
The Squad:
[p1]: No you’re not, [p1]! We still love you, [p1]! [p1]: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think. [p1]: I’m sorry, I really flew off the handle back there. It was like the handle was a bald guy going really fast, and I was his toupée. [p1]: Do you know that we are made out of atoms?
[p1]: And atoms never touch each other.
[p1]: So in my defense, officer. I did not punch this kid. [p1]: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people. [p1]: I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke. [p1]: What is the big deal about borrowing money? I do it all the time! Sometimes, I even pay it back! [p1]: Assert your dominance over your friends by kicking them in the face, and then giving them a little smooch on the forehead! [p1]: Don't quote me on this, but I believe murder is illegal! [p1]: My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time. [p1]: I think I mostly want to see what happens when this whole place breaks apart. [p1]: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way. [p1]: Pose as a team because SHIT JUST GOT REAL! [p1]: Well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. It was because shut up. Shut up is why. [p1]: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you? [p1]: Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I’m actually bi. [p1]: My dad has a spiked collar.
[p1]: *dog [p1]: Next time I'm at the pet store, I'm gonna take a hamster and drop it in the scorpion cage. I wanna see what a hamster's face looks like when it goes, "oh, fuck." [p1], texting: Don't worry, I have your phone! Text me when you're gonna come get it! [p1]: I dunno if I'm ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit. [p1]: I will send my army to attack!
[p1]: *releases a dumpster of raccoons* [p1]: Do you ever think? Because I do not. [p1]: I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, and you're forced to go to school and get education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck? No one ever asked me if I want to be a duck! [p1]: But when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany!
[p1], earlier: I'm going to throw myself into the sea. [p1]: Well, needless to say. Uh-oh Spaghetti-os. [p1]: Then either Sonic is a god or could kill god, and I do not care if there is a difference. [p1]: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn't matter. I'm going to burn your house down. [p1]: Don’t weep for the stupid. You’ll be crying all day. [p1]: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give [p1] lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! Murderer: Any last words?
[p1]: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest. [p1]: Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée". [p1]: Like, no offense to myself and all, but what the fuck am I actually doing? [p1]: If I stay in bed I'll be warm. If I get in the shower, I'll also be warm. But the distance between the bed and shower? No. That is not warm. *out grocery shopping*
[p1]: *takes a free sample twice*
[p1]: Robbery and Fraud. I am a Rebel. Demon: Hey, I took your soul last month and-
[p1]: No returns.
Demon: *sobbing* But it's making me sad... [p1]: You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. [p1]: *gets set on fire and screams in agony*
[p1]: Nah, I’m just kidding. Fire does nothing to me. [p1]: *cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat. [p1]: I'm allergic to death. [p1]: Why do I always try to tell people we're cool? We are so very uncool. [p1], writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands. *the TV is freaking out*
[p1]: Don’t worry, you have to treat an electronic like you treat a patient on life support.
*unplugs the TV, then plugs it back in again. nothing changes*
[p1]: Yeah, that didn’t work with my grandma either. [p1]: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously. [p1]: Alcohol is delicious! ...I mean, MAlicious. Sorry guys, I’m really drunk right now. [p1]: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions. [p1]: I'm so tired of this life. I want to be a roomba. I want knives taped to me. And I want to be set loose. [p1]: I don't follow the rules. I follow dogs on social media. [p1]: I’ve never smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there was no pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie. [p1]: Sure, you're verified on twitter, but are you verified in the eyes of god? [p1]: The risk I took was calculated but, man, am I bad at math. [p1]: I just found out that humans are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but can’t take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth [p1]: Welcome to my very first vlog, in which I try different hair products!
[p1]: *sprays hairspray in their mouth*
[p1]: Well, right off the bat I can tell you this one is not very good. [p1]: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I'm under. [p1]: Maybe the true treasure was friendship all along. But I hope not, because I can’t spend friendship on new clothes [p1]: So, according to my university, it is, quote, “my responsibility if there is an internet outage to contact the faculty and the department.”
[p1]: Now, if you’re a critical thinker like me, you might be wondering one thing.
[p1]: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO EMAIL THE DEPARTMENT?!?!?! [p1]: We got a free day now. What do you wanna do? Eat? Sleep? Nap? Snack? [p1]: You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time. [p1], holding up their class notes: And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like “Chipotle”.
[p1], in shock: Wait a minute, is it “Chip-o-tottle”? [p1]: If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it.
[p1]: If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there. [p1], to the squad: And remember, if I get harsh with you it is only because you’re doing it all wrong. [p1]: I came out here to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now. [p1]: I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now. [p1]: What doesn't kill me better start running, because now I'm fucking pissed. [p1]: Yum, thanks!
Kidnapper: *puts more tape over their mouth* I said stop eating it. [p1], seeing a banana on the car seat: What the FUCK??
[p1], buckling the banana up: Fucking buckle UP, it’s the LAW! [p1], slamming pots and pans together to the rhythm of "Give it to me, I'm worth it": I didn't get no sleep cause a' y'all! Y'all never gonna sleep cause a' me! [p1]: I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul. [p1]: I don't dab. I stab. [p1]: I'm not a morning person. I'm barely even a person. [p1]: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal, that's where the blood's supposed to be! [p1]: War is heck! [p1]: My expectations are low, but they can always go lower. [p1]: My expectations were low but holy fuck. [p1]: And I’d love to be sorry for that, but we all know I’ve done much, much worse. [p1]: Firstly, how dare you use mathematics to make me look stupid!
[p1]: I’m actually very good at mathematics.
[p1]: Thirdly, I think you might be right. [p1], looking at their watch: It has been 2 hours and sixteen minutes since I’ve been insulted.
[p1]: It’s been about 5 seconds since I’ve been assaulted, but let’s not talk about that. [p1]: I don’t know the first thing about clothes. Pretty much all I can do is look at something and tell you if it’s clothes or not. This chair? Not clothes. [p1]: Did you just call me a shrimp, you asshole?! I'm still growing, dammit! [p1]: Could you maybe just like… stab me… right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. ‘Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation. [makePersonList()]: I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man. [p1]: Just took a personality test and got an A+. [p1]: As someone who has a long history of not understanding anything, I feel confident in my ability to continue not knowing what is going on. Police Officer: You have the right to remain silent.
[p1]: I choose to waive that right!
[p1]: *screaming* [p1]: The ‘how the fucks’ and 'why are you so dumbs’ don’t matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun. [p1]: Get in, loser, we’re committing vehicular manslaughter! [p1], as a child, reading their school assignment out loud: I love my library because...
[p1], mouthing words while writing: I love reading, fuck you. [p1]: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying. [p1]: I'm not superstitious... But I am a little stitious. [p1]: I have met some of the most insufferable people. But they also met me. [p1]: Real life should have a fucking search function, or something.
[p1]: I need my socks. [p1]: I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood.
[p1]: I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040, and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong. And the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404".
[p1]: And I actually laughed out loud. [p1]: What the fuck.
[p1]: ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship.
[p1]: Who the hell watches jump rope competiti- ooh bouncy. [p1]: Anybody got any crayons so I can color in my Ph. D.? [p1]: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its “intelligent” and “really cool”.
[p1]: But when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let it go”. [p1]: Oh and for your information, I don't have an ego.
[p1]: My facebook photo is a landscape. [p1]: Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. [p1]: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly." [p1]: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.
[p1], playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor. [p1]: Seriously, I have no idea what to do.
[p1]: Oh, wait! Yahoo! Answers. [p1]: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool. [p1]: I'm a nice person, but I'm about to start throwing rocks at people. [p1]: Ok, first of all, what the fuck? [p1]: Helpful grammar tip: “farther” is for physical distance, “further” is for methaphorical distance, and “father” is for emotional distance! [p1]: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you. [p1]: I'm usually that person who has no idea what's going on. [p1]: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down. [p1]: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off 'excessive crying' on the symptom list, and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies. [p1]: What do you call disobeying the law?
The Squad: A hobby.
[p1]: *crosses their arms*
The Squad: That we do not engage in. [p1]: You can't wake up if you never got to sleep. [p1]: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged. [p1]: My gender is in a constant state of flux. [p1]: Does anyone know how to relax? Asking for a friend. Cop: You ran a red light.
[p1]: So did you, hypocrite.
Cop: I was following you.
[p1]: That was dumb, I'm a terrible driver.
Cop: Get out. [p1]: The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy. [p1]: Now, the recipe calls for 2 shots of vodka.
[p1]: *upends the bottle* [p1]: All of your existences are confusing.
The Squad: How so?
[p1]: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me. [p1]: Fruits that do not live up to their names; passionfruit, grapefruit, honeydew and dragonfruit.
[p1]: Fruits that do live up to their names?
[p1]: Orange. [p1]: I have one foot in the grave but in a kind of fun flirty way, the way one might slip on a fishnet stocking. [p1]: My life isn't as glamourous as my wanted poster makes it look. [p1]: A fistfight CAN be romantic. [p1]: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me. [p1]: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect. [p1]: When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it’s so romantic. Two lovers on a date... one of them carrying a knife for some reason. [p1]: *writing a letter*
[p1]: Dear Santa,
I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty...
And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard. [p1]: I like to play this game called nap roulette. I take a nap and don’t set an alarm. Will it be 20 min or 4 hours? Nobody knows. It’s risky and I like it. [p1]: Underestimate me. That'll be fun. [p1]: God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem. [p1]: My heart is guarded but like… very poorly. The kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat into an R rated movie. [p1]: You can de-escalate literally any situation by asking ‘are we about to kiss?’
[p1]: Doesn't work with getting out of speeding tickets, though. [p1]: My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside. [p1]: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.
[p1]: Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time. [p1]: *seductively takes off glasses* Wow, you're... blurry. [p1]: I think my guardian angel drinks. [p1]: If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will. [p1]: Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations. [p1]: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are. [p1]: I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have. [p1]: I see the red flags, I acknowledge that they're there, and then I completely ignore them. [p1], after having a nosebleed: Welp. Time to wash the blood off my hands. [p1]: Theater kids are just choir kids who joined forces with the band and strings kids. [p1] on Monday: *glues a dime to the sidewalk* Heh heh heh.
[p1] on Wednesday: *walking down the street* Ooh hey! A dime! [p1]: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.
[p1]: That's why I own TEN guns.
[p1]: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder. [p1]: Yeah I'm LGBT.
[p1]: cuLt leader.
[p1]: God hates me personally.
[p1]: cowBoy hat.
[p1]: *sniffles* Trying my best. [p1]: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me. [p1], on a random band name generator: Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Horses! That about sums up my friend group. [p1]: You seem familiar... have I threatened you before? [p1]: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.
The Squad: Awwww-
[p1]: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything."
The Squad: Oh. [p1], opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away. [p1]: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate. [p1]: Not to be nsfw but I want someone to hold me while I sleep. [p1]: Sometimes, I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird. [p1]: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute fuckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges. [p1]: I've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by an spontaneous musical number. [p1]: Drink your school, stay in drugs, and get 8 hours of drugs. [p1]: *slowly pushes a cannon into a 17th century bank* Okay everyone, be cool. This is a robbery. [p1], tearing up the room: Where are they?
[p1], looking under a pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children?
[p1]: Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing. [p1]: I’ve made a spread sheet of all the crime in Brooklyn.
[p1]: There’s so much crime in New York, no one should live here. [p1]: All the sudden I got a random burst of energy, and I think it's my body's last hurrah before it completely shuts down. [p1]: I warned you.
[p1]: I'm perfect. [p1]: If looking good was a crime, you’d be a law abiding citizen. [p1]: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled. [p1]: I'm not creepy.
[p1]: I'm petty.
[p1]: There's a difference, ya' know. [p1]: STOP!
*Everyone stops*
[p1]: wAiT a MiNuTe- [p1]: I am literally evil incarnate.
[p1]: I’m not actually, I just enjoy being evil.
[p1]: Which I think actually makes it even more evil because I’m making a conscious effort. [p1]: Can I offer you a nice stick in this trying time? [p1]: I think we can all agree I’m the ten amongst these threes. [p1]: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour. [p1]: Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don’t answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death. [p1]: Forgive me Father, for I have sinny-sin-sinned. // Quotes requiring two names, BK2 doubleQuotes shipping //Two name quotes with shipping, BK2S nsfw //BK2S-NSFW [p1]: Stay foxy.
[p2]: Die lonely. [p1]: [p2], you do remember when we agreed we were better off as friends, right?
[p2], naked in [p1]'s bed: No, I absolutely do not.
[p1], already taking off their clothes: Fuck... Me neither. [p1]: What are you in the mood for?
[p2]: World domination.
[p1]: That's a bit ambitious.
[p2]: You are my world.
[p1]: Aww...
[p2]:
[p1]:
[p2]:
[p1]: OH. [p1]: There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right?
[p2]: Nope, there's 26.
[p1]: Ah, I must have forgotten U, R, A, Q, T.
[p2]: Aww, that's cute, but you're still missing one.
[p1]: You'll get the D later ;). *At a speed dating event*
[p1]: Oh wow, people are really shallow.
[p2]: Consider it a background check. For example: Do you have a death certificate?
[p1]: *Checks their pulse* Sorry, not yet.
[p2]: Good, I'm not fucking a ghost again. [p1]: Talk dirty to me~
[p2]: Inflation is a serious problem and lumber prices are at a high.
[p1]: Wha-
[p2]: The economy is in shambles. [p=makePersonList()]: Wait, what's going on? Are we all talking about how hot [p2 = p.selectOne] is? Because [p2] is a straight up sexual fox riding a red-hot nuclear bombshell right toward the yowza plaza in the heart of Babe City, Assachusetts, U S A. The last A just stands for more ass. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...
[p]: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card?
[p1]: Holy moly- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Well, [p] and I finally did it!
The rest of the squad: *gasps, shocked expressions, etc.*
[p1]: That's right... We kissed! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Look, last night was a mistake.
[p]: A sexy mistake.
[p1]: No, just a regular mistake. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles.
[p]: Seize the day, seize the night, what’s the last one?
[p1]: Seize the dick. [p=makePersonList()]: Hey, I’m getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?
[p]: ...Have you never taken a shower before? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I like your new pants!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Thanks, they were 50% off!
[p1]: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*
[p2]: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.
[p1]: Thats’s… not what I meant.
[p2]: That’s a terrible way to run a business, [p1]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Know why I called you in here?
[p]: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.
[p1]: *Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally? [p=makePersonList()]: As top in this relationship, I think we should-
[p]: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me. [p=makePersonList()]: Sorry I’m late, I was doing things.
[p]: Hi, I’m ‘things’. [p=makePersonList()]: Go fuck yourself.
[p], smugly: Sure, but only if you watch [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Wow, [p2 = p.selectOne], you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.
[p2]: We literally slept together yesterday.
[p1]: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Bro, I had a dream we fucked.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Bro, relax it was just a dream.
[p1]: Huh, gay, I wouldn’t fuck you.
[p2]: You wouldn’t?
[p1]: I mean, unless you want to- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I was going to suggest we do Marilyn Monroe and JFK roleplay, but I’d get way too into it.
[p]: What- how?
[p1]: You’d be like “come to bed … Mr. President” and I’d be like, “I need to increase the amount of American military advisors in South Vietnam by a factor of 18.” [p=makePersonList()]: I feel like doing something stupid.
[p]: I’m stupid, do me. sfw //BK2S-SFW [p1]: We’re getting married, bitches!
[p2]: And we're about to make it everybody else's problem. [p1]: [p2], you love me, right?
[p2]: Normally I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won’t like. [p1]: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.
[p2]: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit. [p1], throwing their head into [p2]'s lap: Tell me I'm pretty!
[p2], lovingly stroking their hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are. [p1]: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us.
[p2]: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both. *[p1] is crying after a breakup*
[p2]: There there, [p1].
[p1], still crying: Thanks, but how did you get into my room?
[p2]: Great question— [p1]: I’m proud to identify as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. Someone asked me what the Spanish word for "tortilla" was once, and now I dream of kissing them under the moonlight.
[p2]: What kind of animal is the Pink Panther?
[p1], already taking off their clothes: God, [p2], you’re so fucking stupid. [p1]: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.
[p2]: That's great, [p1]. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years. [p1]: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.
[p2]: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.
[p1]: I said within reason, [p2]. How about I murder that guy?
[p2]: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?
[p1]: Well, duh. What kind of question is that? [p1] walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: [p2], I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK.
[p2], sipping coffee happily: I love you too :) [p1]: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?
[p2]: Peonies, why?
[p1]:
[p2]: Were you going to get me flowers?
[p1]:
[p2]:
[p1]: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ [p1]: Bro-
[p2]: No, no, hold up, rewind.
[p2]: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro?? [p1]: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.
[p2]: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.
[p1]: ...
[p1]: You mean ring bearER, right?
[p2]: ...
[p1]: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding. [p1]: Hey, [p2], what do you think it would be like if we had kids?
[p2]: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.
[p1]: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?
[p2]: Can't really say I have.
[p1]: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.
[p2]: Sorry, [p1]. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody. [p1]: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.
[p2]: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*
[p1]: That one. I want that one. [p1]: Two brooooos!
[p2]: Chillin' in a hot tub!
[p1]: Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay!
[p2]:
[p1]:
[p2]: *tearing up*
[p1]: Babe, c'mon...
[p2]: AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING.
[p1]: Babe... [p1]: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.
[p2]: This is a lie.
[p2]: I'm literally dating them. This is a lie.
[p2]: THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS. [p1]: The first time I saw you, you stole my heart.
[p2]: But I'm a kleptomaniac, so that doesn't mean anything. [p1]: I think we should kiss.
[p2]: And I think you should die but we don’t always get what we want. [p1], sweating: [p2], there’s something I need to ask you-
[p2]: Finally! You’re proposing!
[p1]: How’d you know?
[p2]: [p1], you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.
[p2]: I even picked it up once. [p1]: You have to apologize to them [p2].
[p2]: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with! [p=makePersonList()]: Remember, [p2 = p.selectOne], don't do anything I wouldn't do.
[p2]: I think I crossed that line when I got a date. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: The stars are so beautiful...
[p2 = p.selectOne]: They're just giant balls of gas.
[p1]: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then-
[p2]: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you.
[p1]: Oh... [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Smart is attractive. Educate me on something I don't know!
[p]: The mouth of a jellyfish is also an anus.
[p1]: Stop. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I fell—
[p2 = p.selectOne]: From heaven?
[p1]: No, I literally fell—
[p2]: In love with me the moment you saw me?
[p1]: MY ARM IS BROKEN!
[p2]: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash.
[p]: Oh. We're going out?
[p1]: Wh... [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Wow. They sound stupid.
[p1]: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
[p2]: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”
[p1]: I guess you’re right. Hey [p2], I love you.
[p2]: See! Just say that!
[p1]: Holy fucking shit.
[p2]: If that flies over their head then, sorry [p1], but they're too dumb for you.
[p1]: [p2]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why don’t you go talk to them?
[p2 = p.selectOne], sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure.
[p1]: What? So you go tell them they’re cute, what’s the worst that could happen?
[p2]: They could hear me. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Listen, we’re done, we’re over! Okay?
[p]: Whatever bitch, you ain’t never gonna find no one like me.
[p1]: Yeah, that's the point shithead! [p=makePersonList()]: I think I'm falling for you.
[p]: Then get up. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], to [p]: We had a date!
[p1]: *aggressively points to Hello Kitty Coloring Book* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I love them both, but how do I propose to two people?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Two different restaurants, one person at each restaurant. Twice the dessert, twice the applause.
[p1]: Won’t people think it’s weird if there is a third person just sitting there, though?
[p2]: I saw someone feed their pet peacock crème brûlée from their mouth at the French place on the corner last week: I think faux third-wheeling at an engagement is the least of your worries. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m in love with you.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.
[p1]: I know.
[p2]: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I love you.
[p], not paying attention: What was that?
[p1]: I said I’m selling you to the zOo- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You’re not jealous, are you?
[p]: No!
[p1]: Good, ‘cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful. [p=makePersonList()]: We have a problem.
[p]: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.
[p1]: But you’re always acting stupid?
[p2]: ...
[p2]: Yeah, don’t think about that too hard. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Okay.
[p1]: And make out during the scary parts.
[p2]: Th-
[p2]: The scary parts.
[p2]: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I want to kiss you.
[p], not paying attention: What?
[p1]: I said if you die, I wont miss you. [p=makePersonList()]: Are you sure [p]'s even gay? They barely even looked at me. [p=makePersonList()]: How much did you spend on this date?
[p]: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years. [p=makePersonList()]: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it.
[p]: You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. *[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] and [p2 = p.selectOne] are in Paris.*
[p1]: I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny?
[p2]: But...
[p1]: I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and...
[p2]: This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception?
[p1]: Yeah.
[p2]: But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe.
[p1]: Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION.
[p2]: Okay, alright. [p=makePersonList()]: Are you trying to seduce me?
[p]: Why, are you seducible? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: We both look very handsome tonight.
[p]: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
[p1]: I couldn't take that chance. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I think I just figured something out. I got to go.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Aren't you forgetting something?
[p1]: Uuh...*hesitantly kisses [p2]'s forehead before running out.*
[p2]: No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you? [p=makePersonList()]: Are you ready to commit?
[p]: Like, a crime or a relationship? [p=makePersonList()]: Relationships should be 50/50. [p] cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do you want to know your gay name?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: My... my gay name?
[p1]: Yeah, it's your first name-
[p2]: Haha. Very funny [p1]-
[p1]: *gets down on one knee* And my last name.
[p2]: Oh- oh my god. [p=makePersonList()]: Are you an F5 key? Because that ass is refreashing.
[p]: Are you a software update? because not right now. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So you like cats?
[p]: Yeah.
[p1]: *tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Did it hurt when you fell-
[p2 = p.selectOne]: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt-
[p1]: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.
[p2]: ...
[p1]: You just laid there for 15 minutes. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-
[p]: I wrote you a poem.
[p1], already crying: You did? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
[p1]: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
[p2]: Is it working? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Can I have 2 straws with that milkshake?
[p]: Aww-
[p1]: With 2 straws, I can drink it double as fast! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Talk dirty to me, baby~
[p2 = p.selectOne]: The dishes.
[p1]: Wh-
[p2]: They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p] is playing hard to get.
[p1]: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?
[p1]: Yes.
[p2]: I'd sleep. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Is something burning?
[p2 = p.selectOne], leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you.
[p1]: [p2], the toaster is literally on fire. [p=makePersonList()]: I owe you one.
[p]: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even. [p=makePersonList()]: *angrily presses [p2 = p.selectOne] against a wall* WHERE'S THE MONEY?!
[p2]: ...
[p2]: Are we about to kiss- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Are we fighting or flirting?
[p]: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-
[p1]: Your point? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Can you cut me some slack, [p2 = p.selectOne]? I’m sort of in love.
[p2]: I’m sorry, but that’s really not my problem.
[p1]: I’m in love with you.
[p2]: *blushes* Oh. That brings me in the loop a little. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: This date is boring!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store.
[p1]: Then why did you invite me?
[p2]: I didnt, I specifically said "don't come with me," then you said, "fuck you [p2] I'll do whatever I want! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *seductively takes off glasses*
[p1]: Wow...
[p]: *blushes* Haha... what?
[p1]: You're really fucking blurry. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Fuck you.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: No u.
[p1]: I'm down.
[p2]: You're like 2, what the fuck-
[p1]: I AM NOT 2! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: That was so hot, [p2 = p.selectOne].
[p2]: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.
[p1]: I'm so in love with you. [p=makePersonList()]: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...
[p]: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What? Like J F K W S Q X-
[p1]: No, like, U R A Q T.
[p2]: Awwww! [p=makePersonList()]: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine.
[p]: Marry me. nonshipping //Two name quotes without shipping, BK2NS nsfw //BK2NS-NSFW [p1]: What’s your body count?
[p2]: Do you mean sex or murder? [p1], with a headache: Advil me up, daddy.
[p2]: I will short out the language centre of your brain if you say anything like that ever again. [p1]: Do you think sex without love is a sin?
[p2]: If it is, I’ll see you in hell. [p1]: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.
[p2]: Wow, I've gotta hear this.
[p1]: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.
[p2]: You forgot pride.
[p1]: No, I'm pretty proud of this. [p1]: I’m doing what I can to jog your memory.
[p2]: It’s jogging, I guess. Its tiddies are jiggling a little.
[p1]: Nice. [p1], turning to [p2]: Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you can turn on is the microwave. [p=makePersonList()]: I am the left brain, I am the left brain. "I work really hard until my inevitable death" brain. You've got a job to do, you better do it right and the right way is with the left brain's might.
[p]: I LIKE OREOS AND PUSSY- [p=makePersonList()]: Dom or sub?
[p]: I guess Domino's, since I don't go to Subway that much. Don't see why you'd put them in the same category though. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], barging in: Syphilis!
[p2 = p.selectOne]:
[p1]:
[p2]: Pardon? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: There. How do I look?
[p]: Like a cheap French harlot.
[p1]: French?! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I know every song to ever exist it doesn't matter if it's from the past, present or the future.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Oh yeah? Then continue this.
[p2]: I don't cook I don't clean-
[p1]: So let me tell you how I got this ring.
[p1] & [p2]: .....
[p1] & [p2]: GOBBLE ME, SWALLOW ME- [p=makePersonList()]: What’s sexting?
[p]: I'm not having this conversation with you. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Bonjour, [p2 = p.selectOne]. Voulez–vous coucher avec moi?
[p2]: No, I don't want to sleep with you.
[p1]: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: It'll be fun.
[p1]: We'll make a day of it.
[p1]: Come on you punk bitch.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I can't believe I have to say this.
[p2]: I don't have time to get tested for sti's with you tomorrow. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: look [p], I'm not slut shaming you but...
[p1]: Actually yeah, I'm TOTALLY slut shaming you. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne], what do you call people you go out with but don’t try to sleep with?
[p2]: ...People? [p=makePersonList()]: Oh look who got laid last night.
[p]: That’s right chumps, missionary accomplished! [p=makePersonList()]: If it’s any consolation, they got me here on a very misleading text message.
[p]: Technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room. [p=makePersonList()]: Don’t preach to me about romance, [p]. I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon. [p=makePersonList()]: This bloodline ends with me.
[p]: That's the fanciest way I've ever heard someone say "I'm gay". sfw //BK2NS-SFW [p1]: Okay, help me, please!
[p2]: Got two words for you.
[p1]: I bet they won't be helpful.
[p2]: Your problem.
[p1]: I was right. [p1]: How petty can you get?
[p2]: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about. [p1]: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer.
[p2]:
[p1]:
[p2]: ...Please, go back to bed. [p2]: [p1] likes to win. When they were 8, a little Club Scout friend of theirs bragged they could sell the most cookies.
[p2]: Damned if [p1] didn't walk the neighborhood till they got blisters on their feet, and won by 10 boxes.
[p2]: Best part is, [p1] wasn't even a Club Scout. [p1]: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.
[p2]: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again? [p1]: I'm sorry. Please talk to me.
[p2]:
[p1]: Hello? World's most amazing person?? Sweet pea? Precious cinnamon roll that's too good for this world, too pure?
[p2]: 'Sorry' doesn't bring back my fucking M&Ms. [p1]: Are you listening to me?
[p2]: *nods*
[p1]: What did I just say?
[p1]: *nods*
[p1]: ... [p1]: The Ocean is a soup.
[p2]:
[p2]: Do elaborate.
[p1]: What are needed for something to be a soup?
[p2]: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine.
[p1]: *Tilts head*
[p2]: The Ocean is a Soup.
[p1]: The Ocean is a Soup. [p1]: "29-34 Give a particular ecosystem and explain how could it be protected."
[p1]: Help.
[p2]: Forests, stop cutting down trees and don't hold gender reveal parties anywhere near them. [p1]: Oh [p2], we have a visitor!
[p2]: Don't tell me it's [p3].
[p1]: It's [p3]. [p1]: Even [p2] and I have been getting closer. The other day, they gave me half of their sandwich.
[p2]: I mistook them for a garbage can. [p1]: *casually taking four stairs at a time*
[p2], falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu- [p1]: I need a long word.
[p2]: T-rex but the long one. [p1]: My friends say I'm the most charismatic out of the group.
[p2]: Well, you always have a smile on your face.
[p1]: Thank you.
[p2]:
[p2]: What drugs do you take? [p1]: Are you busy?
[p2]: Yes.
[p1]: Cool, listen to this... [p1]: Let's just agree to both say we're sorry on the count of three.
[p1]: One... two... three.
[p2]: ...
[p1]: ...
[p1]: See, now I'm just disappointed in both of us. [p1], handing out popsicles: Which flavor do you want?
[p2]: Blue flavor!
[p1]: Uh, you mean Blue Raspberry?
[p2]: Blue flavor! Blue flavor!
[p1]: Blue is not a flavor!
[p2]: BLUE FLAVOR! [p1]: Hey.
[p2]: Hey?
[p1]: I can't sleep. :/
[p2]: I can. Goodnight. [p1]: I feel like the world would be better if I'd never been born.
[p2]: Aw... that's not true.
[p2]: It'd be exactly the same.
[p2]: You're not important. [p1]: How does one turn their emotions off?
[p2]: Okay, so first go to settings.
[p2]: I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first.
[p1]: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next? [p1]: Do you want to be the Sun in my life?
[p2]: Yes.
[p1]: Good, then stay 92,935,700 miles away from me :) [p1]: Guess what I'm about to get!
[p2]: On my nerves. [p1]: *shoves their hand in the slot of a toaster*
[p2]: …
[p1]: …I get confused sometimes.
[p2]: Me too. [p1]: If you spell skeletons backwards, it still spells skeletons.
[p2], deadpan: Wow, I can't wait for Halloween to see some snoteleks. [p1]: Wasn't icarly that guy that girlbossed too close to the sun because he was down for Apollo?
[p2]: ICARUS? [p1]: It's alright, we have salt packets.
[p1]: Not the ones that snap in half, but sure. [p1]: I'm never having a debate with [p2] again, they literally started their argument with "Riddle me this." [p1]: You look good in that hoodie.
[p2]: You know where else I'd look good?
[p1], zero hesitation: My bed.
[p2], at the same time: By you're side- wait, what? [p1]: You can’t have a gun on stage!
[p2]: WRONG AGAIN! I can have a gun, and I must have a gun, that’s the rule of Chekhov’s Gun: have a gun. And now that it’s been seen, I will have to shoot someone before the end of the play. [p1]: And have you learnt anything this Christmas, [p2]?
[p2]: …Not really.
[p1]: Nothing?
[p2]: Tell you one thing I have learnt—Christmas; ultimately, commercial holiday. Who's the real winner at Christmas? Amazon. they have drones now! Tiny little dystopian slaves delivering iPads and headphones. I ordered a toaster; It was on the doorstep five hours later! Do we need that? It was 4.99! For a toaster! I mean, someone's being exploited there. [p1]: I hate you.
[p2]: Well, according to this picture I drew of us holding hands, that is untrue. [p1]: I won a new phone in a race.
[p2]: Huh? What kind of race lets you win a phone, [p1]?
[p1]: A race between the store owner, the cop, and me. [p1]: All snacks are gone.
[p2]: I AM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE?! [p1]: The saying “it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to [p2]. [p1]: Why do you hang out with me?
[p2]: You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me!
[p1]: …
[p1]: I feel a bit sorry for you. [p1]: Look, [p2], if you can fit your head down the gun’s barrel, you can assume it doesn’t have a non-lethal setting. [p1]: [p2] is not allowed to decide which one of us is the chosen one. [p1]: [p2] is forbidden from monologuing. [p1]: [p2] is restricted to decaf for the rest of this adventure. [p1]: When surrendering, [p2] is to hand the sword over HILT first. [p1]: I wish I had more enemies.
[p2]: I’m sure you will someday, honey. [p2]: Whether or not I pay income taxes is none of the government's business.
[p1]: No, well, actually, it is.
[p2]: You don't know my name or what I look like, good luck finding me. [p1]: Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.
[p2]: Mmm, we aren't really that close.
[p1]: Oh, good. [p1]: Lol. Heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you’ll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this.
[p2]: What did you do [p1]?
[p1]: a Mistake. [p1]: You're ugly.
[p2]: Tone indicator?
[p1]: Oh I'm sorry! You're ugly. /srs *While the Squad is in a battle*
[p1], trying to warn about the location of an enemy: To the left!
[p2]: Take it back now y'all! [p1], taping a knife onto a Roomba: Be free, my child.
[p2], entering the room with a small cut on their ankle: Who the f- [p1]: Where have you been all day?
[p2]: Oh, just dealing with things way beyond my maturity level. [p1]: I’m [p1]. I’m an accountant.
[p2]: I’m [p2]. I have a knife. [p1]: What are you doing here?
[p2]: I could ask you the same question.
[p1]: I live here. This is my house.
[p2]: I should probably ask you a different question. [p1]: We should normalize not loving family members.
[p2]: You can just say: “I hate my dumb fuck uncle” or whatever. Talk like a normal person! [p1]: Do you want a drink?
[p2]: I could go for some appy slices right now.
[p1]: With a little peanut butter to dip them in?
[p2]: FUCKING OF COURSE I WANT PEANUT BUTTER [p1.upperCase]! [p1]: [p2], do you love me?
[p2]: Of course I do!
[p1]: Would you still love me if I did something bad?
[p2]: Well, of course I… would…
[p1]: I mean something really, really—
[p2]: [p1], what did you do? [p1], entering the room: *Sees [p2] and leaves*
[p2], watching [p1] leave: There’s my monthly dose of [p1]… [p1]: A decision had to be made.
[p2]: And you fucked it up! [p1]: If I ever had a child, I imagine they would be a lot like you.
[p2]: Aww, thanks—
[p1]: Which is probably why I’ve never reproduced. [p1]: We’re going to defeat you with the power of friendship.
[p2]: We’re not friends.
[p1], holding an axe: We’re going to defeat you with the power of incredible violence. [p1]: Hi, I'm [p2]'s emergency contact.
Counter Woman: You're here to pick them up?
[p1]: I'm here to remove myself as their emergency contact. [p1], pointing a camera at [p2]: There they are, our sweet baby.
[p2], holding a cigarette and a beer: What-? [p1]: Are you reading fan fiction?
[p2], reading an article about extremely rare diseases: Wh- No.
[p1]: Oh, is it on AO3?
[p2]: This is CNN. [p1]: You’re mean!
[p2]: You’re meaner!
[p1]: Yeah, well, you’re ugly too!
[p2]: You’re uglier!
[p1]: You’re a dumbass!
[p2]: You’re a dumberass!
[p1]: You think “dumberass” is a good insult! [p1]: [p2] and I are so close we even share a toothbrush.
[p2]: We what? [p1]: Why are you late?
[p2]: A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness.
[p1]: Overslept?
[p2]: Overslept. [p1]: Please say words of encouragement to me so I don’t murder someone right now.
[p2]: There are no books in prison.
[p1]: *sighs* Thank you. [p1], texting [p2]: I’m a theif.
[p2]: Thief.
[p1]: Theif.
[p2]: I before E except after C.
[p1]: Thceif.
[p2]: NO. [p1]: I can't take you seriously wearing that.
[p2]: Aw, you take me seriously at all?
[p1]: Fair point. [p1]: Hey, @[p2], when you wake up you're legally obligated to agree with me.
[p2]: But I don't.....
[p1]: I don't see why that should be my problem?? [p1]: You are a spineless twit!
[p2]: You cannot talk to me that way, I am your superior!
[p1]: A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way!
[p2]: Yes, because that would be adorable.
[p1]: No, it's because you are a five-year-old girl and there's a pecking order. [p1]: I'm trying to juggle family life and work life but I can't seem to find a balance. What do you suggest I do to keep everyone happy?
[p2], deadpan: Quit your job, kill your family. [p2]: [p1], I don't like you.
[p1]: What did you say?
[p2]: You heard me!
[p1], internally: And it turns out I actually didn't hear what the fuck you just said. [p1], handing a balloon to [p2]: I have no soul. Have a good day!
[p2], walking off: I don't have one either. [p1]: You're not my friend anymore.
[p2]: I was your friend? [p1]: You saved me! Why?
[p2]: People would think I murdered you if I didn't. [p1]: *Gives a bouquet to [p2]*
[p2]: You know I'm allergic.
[p1]: That's the point. [p1]: You gave me up, you let me down, you turned around, and deserted me.
[p2]: But did I make you cry?
[p1]: *cries on the spot*
[p2]: ...Shit. [p1]: What the hell were you thinking?
[p2]: I heard releasing birds at a wedding is romantic!
[p1]: You released OSTRICHES! [p1]: I don’t remember that.
[p2]: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
[p1]: ...No.
[p2]: Okay, do you remember when you were chased by those wild dogs for two miles?
[p1]: Not especially, no.
[p2]: It was in between those two things. [p1]: We’re having a moment, aren’t we?
[p2]: If by 'a moment' you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are. [p1]: Well [p2], I have to say, I'm really disappointed.
[p2]: Well, you didn't HAVE to say it. You could've just thought it. [p1]: Did you have to stab them?
[p2]: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what they said to me.
[p1]: What did they say?
[p2]: "What are you going to do, stab me?"
[p1]: That’s fair. [p1]: *fast-forwards all the way through the movie*
[p2]: You can't just skip to the happy ending!
[p1]: I don't have time for their problems. [p1]: What if I lied this whole time and I'm actually 18?
[p2]: [p1], stop trying to get drugs.
[p1]: Don't suppress my interests. [p1]: Is the pink panther a lion?
[p2]: Say that again but slower.
[p1]: I don’t get it.
[p2]: He’s a PANTHER.
[p1]: Is that a type of lion?
[p2]: No, it’s a fucking panther.
[p1]: *googles panther* They aren’t pink?
[p2]: AND LIONS ARE?! [p1]: [p2]...
[p2]: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck. [p1]: *nudges [p2] at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. [p2]? Wake up, [p2]! Listen! They're sexless!
[p2]: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep. [p1], throwing a pokeball at [p2]: [p2], I choose you!
[p2], not looking up from their book and catching it: You need an Ultra ball to catch this Legendary Pokémon. [p1]: What's that?
[p2]: Chocolate.
[p1]: What's chocolate?
[p2]: Candy. Do they not have candy where you're from?
[p1]: Yeah. Grapes, nuts.
[p2]: No wonder you're so bitter. [p1]: [p2], how do you feel about lifting heavy things?
[p2]: My doctor just said I should avoid—
[p1]: Being a wuss? I agree. [p1]: You’re an idiot.
[p2]: That’s the charm. [p1]: Don’t you have any dignity, [p2]?
[p2]: Uh, no. [p1]: Slash gamemode creative.
[p2]: Dude, this isn't Min-
[p1]: *starts levitating* [p1]: You... you said I could trust you!!
[p1]: You said you were a GAMER!!!
[p2]: [p1]... I only play mobile games.
[p1]: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [p1]: What do I get?
[p2]: A night of fashion, mischief, mayhem, and possible death.
[p1]: Ooh, check, check, and check; not sure about that last one.
[p2]: It won't be you.
[p1]: I'll get my coat. [p1] I got us matching friendship bracelets, and you say I don't care about our relationship.
[p2]: These are handcuffs.
[p1]: Yeah, 'cause we're partners in crime! [p1]: Didn't you die?!
[p2]: That was weeks ago, dude. Things change. [p1]: Look, [p2]! It's the good Kush!
[p2]: It's the dollar store, how good can it be? [p1]: Help, someone at prom has been killed!
[p2]: Calm down, we don't need you to Panic! At the Disco. [p1]: You have any sunscreen?
[p2]: You can't get a sunburn from a bonfire—
[p1]: It's for my marshmallow ya dummy. [p1], in a horrible German accent: Bill Nye is on break, I'm Bill Nein.
[p2]: Can I go to the bathroom?
[p1], in the same horrible German accent: Nein! [p1]: Oh man, you have any shaving cream?
[p2]: No, I don't like the way that it tastes.
[p1]: Wait... you eat shaving cream?
[p2]: No. Why would I eat it if I don't like the taste. [p1]: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
[p2]: If you say "addict-ionary" I swear I will cut you.
[p1]: I was actually going to say "high definition", but your answer's much better.
[p2]: ... *[p1] is speaking on the phone*
[p1]: Yeah, I'm with [p2].
[p2]: Im fucking dying-
[p1]: Yep, they're okay.
[p2]: I have a knife in my chest!
[p1]: No, they can't talk right now. They're sleeping, sorry.
[p2]: IM BLEEDING OUT- Kidnapper: I have your partner.
[p1]: What? I don't have a partner...
Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face?
[p1]: Oh my god, you have [p2]. [p1]: Hold on, I can explain!
[p2]: Really? Can you now?
[p1]: I can if you give me a minute to think of a convincing lie. [p1]: Wow, this parking is as straight as I am.
[p2]: I know I should be focused on the fact that you just came out, but HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY PARKING! [p1], to [p2]: You're not Mario. Lets get something fucking straight, you're Luigi at best. *[p1] and [p2] are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff*
[p1]: oh my god, [p2], backwards!
[p2]: Really, [p1]? I thought I might go forwards into the river, I thought that would be a fun thing to do. [p1]: So I was just having a conversation with [p2] about Star Wars; particularly, about the choice of architecture. The amount of people who die from falling down bottomless pits is TOO DAMN HIGH! Like, who designs architecture like this? Catwalks with no guard rails whatsoever, just zigging and zagging through enormous voids. Giant holes to nowhere!
[p2]: It's by design. It's a cleaner look, for a more elegant time.
[p1]: Like... who the fuck put this hole here???? And why????
[p2]: Exhaust?
[p1]: Darth Maul falls down a hole, Palpatine falls down a hole, Solo falls down a hole, everyone falls down a hole! Star Wars universe needs OSHA.
[p2]: Luke falls down a hole, Boba Fett falls down a hole…
[p1]: Yes, yes, I forgot about those! R2-D2 falls down a hole in the Millenium Falcon after he fixes the hyperdrive.
[p2]: We're onto something here!
[p1]: Obi-Wan almost falls down a hole.
[p2]: C-3PO falls off the barge into the sand. Pretty close to falling down a hole.
[p1]: His lightsaber does though.
*[p2] thinks hard about what other Star Wars Characters fall down holes*
[p1]: What if the hole is symbolic? The hole represents the dark side.
[p2]: Nah, doesn't work. Luke chooses to fall down the hole instead of joining Vader/The Dark Side.
[p1]: Fair point. [p1]: You... you saved me. You're not a beast at all. YOU'RE A HERO, AN UGLY UGLY UGLY HERO!
[p2]: Call me ugly again, and maybe I will eat you. [p1], trying their first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY!
[p2], an avid coffee drinker, on their twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds. [p1]: If I die, you can have what little I own.
[p2]: Wait. What do you mean "if" you die?
[p1]: My unending existence is fuelled by pure spite, that of which the painful experiences of life have rendered me full.
[p2]:
[p2]: *Sighs* Let me call your therapist again. [p1]: [p2], you're testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow, and the D.A. is worried about how you'll present yourself on the stand.
[p2]: Why? I'm fine on the stand!
*flashback to Testimony #1*
[p2]: Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dumdums can understand.
[p2], to the jury: MAN DID CRIME.
*flashback to Testimony #2*
[p2]: I'm sorry, could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
Defense Attorney, next to the crying defendant: ...Crying?
*flashback to Testimony #3*
[p2]: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break those little fingers.
Judge: Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer? [p1], shooing [p2] away: Can you go be depressed over there? You’re bumming out my whole area. [p1]: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL-
[p2]: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?! [p1]: You have an impressive pain tolerance.
[p2]: Thanks, it's the trauma. [p1]: Baby vibes... hold gentle... like hamburger.
[p2]: Punt like football. [p1]: *sighs* I have no friends...
[p2]:
[p2]: *coughs* Bitch, what am I? A roach?! [p1]: I printed up a bunch of fake safety inspection certificates. Go slap one on anything that looks like a lawsuit.
[p2]: [p1], is that legal?
[p1]: When the cops aren’t around, anything’s legal! [p1]: Hey, can you do me a favor?
[p2]: Sorry, I have to go do literally anything other than this.
[p1]: You don’t even have a legitimate reason?
[p2]: Oh, no, I do.
[p1]: Well, what is it?
[p2]: You see, I simply don’t give a fuck. [p1]: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much.
[p2]: Oh, you’ve been?
[p1]: Once. In Monopoly. [p1]: Shouldn't get stressed out, it's not good for the baby.
[p2]: What baby?
[p1], crying a bit: Me. [p1]: They don’t make them like me no more. I’m the last of my kind.
[p2]: Thank god. [p1]: [p2], is that legal?
[p2]: When there's no cops around, anything's legal! [p1]: [p2], I rebuke thee! I rebuke thee!
[p2]: Rebuke? Is that a word?
[p1]: You have all invoked my fury! You will all pay recompense for your transgressions!
[p2]: What, you got like a word-a-day calendar or something? [p1], cowering in fear: What do you want from me?!
[p2], standing in front of [p1]: *bites into the whole KitKat bar like a heathen*
[p1], crying: Please...stop... [p1]: [p2]... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
[p2]: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.
[p1]:
[p1]: I wrote sanitize, [p2]. [p1]: *walks to cabinet, removes oreo box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out* Hi!
[p2]: Hey- what are you doing-?
[p1], shoving an oreo into their mouth: I am saving space :D [p1]: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY)
[p2]: What's that?
[p1]: Remorse code.
[p2]: I'm even angrier now. [p1]: I love murder mysteries!
[p2], trying to impress them: I've been a suspect in four murder cases. [p1]: Are you coming to bed?
[p2]: I can't. This is important.
[p1]: What?
[p2]: Someone is wrong on the internet. [p1], texting: O
[p2]: What?
[p1]: Don’t read into that.
[p2]: But I will read into that.
[p1]: HOW?! IT’S A LETTER!
[p2]: Why is there a space after it, hmmmmm?
[p1]: Dude, really?
[p1]: It’s a fucking letter.
[p2]: It could stand for something!
[p1]: IT DOESN’T, I PROMISE!
[p2]: Like Oppression! Or worse…
[p1]: Dude, I just typed the letter O, that means nothing. :/
[p2]: Optometrist.
[p1]: Oh my God… [p1]: Do you think I'm plastic?
[p2]: No.
[p1]: Phew. Oka-
[p2]: Plastic, at least, has some use in life. You're not plastic. [p1]: :)
[p2]: >:(
[p1]: Turn that frown upside down!
[p2]: ):<
[p1]: Not sure what I was expecting... [p1]: Remain CALM! *slaps [p2] multiple times* [p1]: How do you want your coffee?
[p2]: Black, like my soul.
[p1]:
[p1]: [p2], your soul is a latte. [p1]: Okay happy campers! If you were a fruit what would you be and why?
[p2]: I'd be a tomato because no one accepts me as part of the group.
[p1]: ...
[p2]: ...
[p1]: OKAY HAPPY CAMPERS- [p1]: [p2], can I ask you a question?
[p2]: Sure, anything.
[p1]: Why don't you go back to your own house and leave us alone? [p1]: How many vampires do you think have been hit by a car backing up in a parking lot because the driver couldn’t see their reflection?
[p2]: I’ve never considered it but you’re really shining light on what’s probably a very serious issue. [p1]: [p2] is not allowed to violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays.
[p1]: No matter how many times you say please, [p2]. We won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code. [p1]: Hey [p2], have you seen the photographer?
[p2]: Nope. Have you seen the meat tenderizer?
[p1], confused: What?
[p2], grabbing the meat tenderizer out of the drawer: No reason, cute girl things! [p1]: I can’t believe all these people are wearing black. black is supposed to be my thing, they’re all just posers.
[p2]: [p1], for the last time, we’re at a funeral. [p1]: Thanks for opening my message and not responding.
[p2]: All good bro, any time.
[p1]: Fuck you. [p1]: State your name, rank, and intention.
[p2]: [p2], [p2], fun. [p1]: So, she kissed me.
[p2]: And you kissed her back?
[p1]: No, I kissed her mouth. [p1]: How did you break your leg?
[p2]: Do you see those porch stairs?
[p1]: Yes.
[p2]: I didn't. [p1]: Did you miss me while I was gone?
[p2]: You were gone? [p1]: I need life advice.
[p2], sipping Gatorade and eating cookie dough: You came to the right person. [p1]: Hey, wanna help me commit arson?
[p2]: What the hell!?
[p1]: Oh, sorry, my bad.
[p1], whispering: Wanna help me commit arson?
[p2], whispering: Of course. What do you need? [p1]: I don’t mean to be rude—
[p2]: Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often. [p1]: If I didn't know better, [p2], I'd say you were scared.
[p2]: Heh, scared?
*absolute silence*
[p2]: DID YOU HEAR THAT?! [p1]: You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight.
[p2]: Actually, [p1], after all these years, I just sort of go with it. [p1]: You're alive.
[p2]: There's no need to sound so disappointed. [p1]: Don’t go picking a fight with me. I could make your life difficult.
[p2], sarcastically: Wow. I wonder what it’d be like to have a difficult life. [p1]: You have your weirdly sincere humility.
[p2]: I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually. [p1]: That sounds super! Doesn’t that sound super, [p2]?
[p2]: No.
[p1]: I think I speak for [p2] when I say it sounds really super. [p1]: Tell them to eat shit, [p2].
[p2]: Tell them yourself.
[p1]: Eat shit, asshole. Fall of your horse. [p1]: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?! TIME OUT! GET ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE! GET UP THERE!
[p2]: *Climbing* THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!! [p1]: You shouldn't be using a straw.
[p2]: I know, I know, it's bad for the environment and stuff.
[p1]: Yeah, but I mean... it's a weird way to eat spaghetti. [p1]: Can you name a single city in Oklahoma?
[p2]: Oklahoma City, bitch! [p1]: Now, if I may speak for good-looking people everywhere...
[p2]: Only as their rodeo clown. [p1]: WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! HE COULD HAVE HAD HOPES AND DREAMS, HE COULD HAVE HAD A FAMILY!!!
[p2]: [p1]-
[p2]: It- it was just an ant- [p1]: You need to be more careful!
[p2], who was dragged into [p1]'s issue: Careful? CAREFUL?! I'LL CAREFULLY WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT- [p1]: Dammit, you ruin everything!
[p2]: You're welcome. [p1]: Where are your parents?
[p2]: What are parents?
[p1]: That’s just about the saddest thing I've ever heard. [p1]: So, I've been thinking [p2]-
[p2]: That's dangerous. [p1]: You have Crayons?
[p2]: Yes, I have—
[p1]: You're— how old are you?
[p2]: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS. [p1]: Do you have a self-care routine?
[p2]: "Keep going bitch" said to myself in different accents. [p1]: Okay, if we can't do it by sheer force, we'll do it my way.
[p2]: But your way is sheer force! [p1]: Oooh, a train!
[p2]: We’re in a train station, [p1]. [p1]: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof, or something.
[p2], grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion-proof? [p1]: I lost my fish, can you help me find it?
[p2], cooking the fish: What? I couldn't hear you, please speak up. [p1]: [p2], I don’t think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery.
[p2]: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you’re all tomfuckered out! [p2]: I feel like everyone on this island is suspicious, [p1]. Except you!
[p1]: But [p2], I think you're suspicious!
[p2]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [p1]: Welcome to my room. As you can see, I've knocked over many chairs because I get so tilted at the towers.
[p2]: Uh, this isn't really tilted. Or a tower.
[p1]: Well you see, it's a gamer pad. Not many girls come in here because I get friendzoned so frequently. But that's okay.
[p2]: I'd like to be in the Friendzone! I like friends!
[p1]: It's not as pleasant as you think. They don't treat you like a friend. They treat you like an item. Sometimes I wish I could be more than just an accessory to these women; But unfortunately, as a gamer, I don't get respect.
[p2]: I'm not a gamer! so maybe they'll respect me!
[p1]: That just makes you a beta cuck. [p1]: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly.
[p2], on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you. [p1]: I couldn't do this without you, [p2].
[p2]: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course. [p1]: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?
[p2]: Your life?
[p1]: I- well yes, but- [p1]: What is your favourite mythical story?
[p2]: The Story Of My Will To Live.
[p1]: I don’t think I’ve heard of that one before. *At a bank teller window*
[p1], in a bad Italian accent: I'd like-a to make-a da deposit!
[p2]: HEY BUDDY, WAIT, I REMEMBER YOU!
[p1]: *Frantically pours marinara sauce into the vacuum tube*
[p2]: GODDAMMIT, IT'S THEM AGAIN! [p1]: Why are you guys acting like this?
[p2]: Oh, we're not acting. We really are like this. [p1]: Ah ready for another fantastic day of being better than [p2]. [p1]: [p2] has only knocked me out three time this week. Our friendship is really developing. [p2]: Italics.
[p2]: Yeah, Italians. [p1]: I regret nothing!!!
[p2]: I regret everything!!! [p1]: You can do it [p2]!
[p1]: But if you can't, at least your death will be quick, painless, and really cool to watch. [p1]: Why shouldn't you put a toaster in a bathtub full of water?
[p2]: Because your toast would get soggy! [p1]: Any idiot would know that.
[p2]: I knew that!
[p1]: See? [p1], to [p2]: If you can ever manage to get over yourself, I would highly recommend being me. [p1]: [p2], fuck off.
[p1]: And by "fuck off" I mean "fuck off right back here and listen", you insufferable prick. [p1]: Why did you leave Wrestlemania on for the cats?
[p2]: They need to learn how to protect us. [p1]: I wish I could help you, but I shorn’t.
[p2]: [p1], please!
[p1]: What part of shorn’t don’t you understand? [p1]: May luck (and this picture of [p2] eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you. [p1]: I will beat all of you in Rock, Paper, Scissors. You go first.
[p2]: Rock.
[p1]: Paper. [p1]: [p2], please calm down.
[p2]: I asked for two large fries!
[p2]: *dumps fries onto table*
[p2]: But all they did was give me a MILLION FUCKING LITTLE ONES! [p1]: I assume you realize that this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated in this house.
[p2]: Is there any kind of idiocy you would be more comfortable with? [p1]: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.
[p2]: Go the fuck to sleep [p1]. [p1]: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.
[p2]: Not my fault. Somebody put a wall in the way. [p1]: *Holding up a picture of a seemingly young anime girl* WHO IS SHE?! IS SHE TWELVE?!
[p2]: No! She's a thousand years ol-
[p1]: *Cocks shotgun*
[p2]: NO! NOOOOOOOOOO-! [p1]: Good morning!
[p2], checking their watch: Correct. [p1]: When you've been on the internet for as long as I have, you develop thick skin.
[p2]: Navy blue isn't your color.
[p1]: Navy blue brings out my eyes you prick! *Chases after [p2]* [p1]: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*
[p2]: Where did you get that?
[p1]: My pocket.
[p2]: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?
[p1]: Skills. [p2]: Would you like something to drink? *They open the fridge* We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-
[p1]: Spiders?
[p2]: Spiders it is then.
[p1]: No, that wasn’t-
*But they were already pouring them a brimming glass of spiders…* [p1]: I'm gonna nickname my child "Lil Bitch".
[p2]: I see you're passing on your name. [p1]: Help! I’m drowning!
[p2]: Calm down. We’re only in six feet of water!
[p1]: NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL! [p1]: I’m serious! They’re watching me! They’ve even got an agent following me! Don’t you believe me?
[p2]: Look, it’s not that I don’t believe you… It’s that I don’t believe you and I don’t care. [p1]: *lying down and crying*
[p2]: There, there. Why don’t you take some time off to not be around me while you’re like this? [p1]: [p2], you need to react when people cry!
[p2]: I did. I rolled my eyes. [p1]: Am I right, [p2]?
[p2]: I’m almost certain you’re not, but to be fair, I wasn’t listening. [p1]: Come on [p2], do it for our friendship. You can't put a price on that...
[p2]: Yes I can, dear. Fifty dollars. [p1]: Hey [p2], listen, corporate makes us do this every year, but this is just a little manager evaluation form. You just fill it out, let them know how I'm doing, you know?
[p2]: Alright! Uh, "Is your manager manipulative?"
[p1]: I'd say "No" to that if I were you. [p1]: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them?
[p2]: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them.
[p1]: Okay yeah thanks [p2], that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT? [p1]: Do I least have a chance to explain myself?
[p2]: This is America, so nope!
[p1]: This isn't America, this is OHIO! [p1]: Fellas, I gotta know for science. Is the opposite of red green or blue?
[p2]: Technically a mix of green and blue?
[p1]: So blurple.
[p2]: That's implying you're mixing blue and purple.
[p1]: Would you rather have fucking bleen? MOTHERFUCKING GRUE?
[p2]: You were confusing before but now I'm scared. [p1]: Do you take constructive criticism?
[p2]: No, only cash or credit. [p1]: Do you know the ABCs of first aid?
[p2]: A. Bone. Coming out of the skin is very bad. [p1]: sSSSHIT- I BURNT MY LIP-
[p2]: ...Why the fuck would you even drink coffee with a METAL STRAW in the FIRST PLACE??
[p1]: BECAUSE WE WERE OUT OF THE PLASTIC ONES! [p1]: Guys, they're definitely prepared for us. They even have a training model of our brand new top-secret stealth helicopter.
[p2]: No you idiot, that’s ours we crashed!
[p1]: Oh yeah. I guess that makes more sense. [p1], trying to comfort [p2]: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there. [p1]: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!
[p2]: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS! [p1]: Mint is just cold spicy.
The Squad: ...
[p2]: What the actual fuck is wrong with you. [p1]: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?
[p2]: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests. [p1]: BWWAAAAAAAAAA! Oh, you hear that? That's the wrong opinion alarm.
[p2]: That is not something you actually have installed.
[p1]: Sorry, say again? I couldn't hear you over my alarm that YOU SET OFF with your WRONG-ASS OPINION. [p1]: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I’m eating dirt?
[p2]:
[p2]: Why are you eating dirt?
[p1]: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question. [p1]: Hey [p2], can you give me the opposite of these words?
[p1]: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.
[p2]: Never, Going, To, Give, You-
[p2]: The fucking satisfaction. [p1]: Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you’re a coward.
[p2]: I’m worried about you. [p1]: I have issues.
[p2]: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept-
[p1]: With you. [p1]: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies.
[p2]: You’re too young to have enemies.
[p1]: You don’t even know. [p1]: Do you have a bobby pin?
[p2]: Yeah. *searches in their hair*
[p2]: Oh, no, wait. I’m not a nine-year-old girl. [p1]: Stop failing.
[p2]: Don’t tell me what to do! I'll fail right now!
[p2]: *Succeeds*
[p2]: Dang it! [p1]: Yes, I'm adopting [p2] and you cowards can't tell me no! [p1]: Get your hand off my shield!
[p2]: There's like a million other shields.
[p1]: Take that one, it has a flower on it. Girls like flowers.
[p2]: *hits [p1] with the shield* Oops! Now this one has blood on it. [p1]: Ha! Don't you know the trappers trap can trap the trapper?
[p1]: I must be losing it, I'm quoting [p2]. [p1]: When I met you I thought you were a real bitch.
[p2]: What changed your mind?
[p1]: Oh, I still think you’re a bitch, I’ve just grown to like that about you. [p1]: My head hurts.
[p2]: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity. [p1]: Thank you for not saying "I told you so."
[p2]: When you’re as right as I am, you don’t have to say it. [p1]: Why are you always trying to aggravate me?
[p2]: To relax. [p1]: [p2], I sense hostility.
[p2]: Good, because I hate you. [p1]: You’re giving me a sticker?
[p2]: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!”
[p1]: I’m not a preschooler.
[p2]: Fine, I’ll take it back-
[p1]: I earned this, back off! [p1]: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird?
[p2]: Yes, and that’s coming from me. [p1]: Here is my wall of inspirational people.
[p2]: Is that a picture of you?
[p1]: Yes, I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself. *[p1] and [p2] playing minecraft*
[p1]: Oh no, oh no, oh no-
[p2]: What’s wrong?
[p1]: I did a thing.
[p2]: You regret the thing you dID-
[p1]: *screams*
[p2]: What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it-
[p1]: *screams again* *[p1] and [p2] looking at a locked gate into a park*
[p1]: Aw. :(
[p2]: You know what they say.
[p1]: Please don’t-
[p2]: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*
[p1]: Frick- [p1]: This is getting embarrassing.
[p2]: Getting? We’re already there! [p1]: Watcha doin?
[p2]: Stealing my neighbour’s cat.
[p1]: Scandalous.
[p1]: Can I help? [p1]: Hey guys, I found a spider. Cool little lad. Thanks for eating the mosquitos.
[p1]: Oh no, where did it go?
[p2]: [p1.upperCase] WHAT THE FUCK?! [p1]: I feel awful about killing you.
[p2]:
[p1]: Even though technically you never even died, so I don’t know what you’re bitching about. [p1]: I got an idea!
[p2]: Does it involve breaking the law?
[p1]: By now don’t you think that’s a given?
[p2]: I was just trying to be optimistic.
[p1]: Don’t bother. [p1]: Hey, wanna hear a funny joke?
[p2]: I only like dark humor.
[p1], turning the lights off: What do you call a fake noodle?
[p2]:
[p1]: An IMPASTA! [p1]: Are you drinking enough water?
[p2]: Sometimes my tears get in my mouth. [p1]: I’m totally useless.
[p2]: You’re not totally useless.
[p2]: You can be used as a bad example. *While planning to break in somewhere*
[p1]: Hey, let's do "Get Help!"
[p2]: What?
[p1]: "Get Help."
[p2]: No.
[p1]: C'mon, you love it!
[p2]: I hate it.
[p1]: It's great! It works every time!
[p2]: It's humiliating.
[p1]: Do you have a better plan?
[p2]: No.
[p1]: We're doing it!
[p2]: We are not doing "Get Help!"
*A Minute Later*
[p1], carrying [p2]: Get help! Please! They're dying! Help Them! *throws [p2] at guards, knocking them out*
[p1]: Ahh, classic!
[p2]: *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating.
[p1], laughing: Not for me, it's not. [p1]: Just say when.
[p2]: When.
[p1]: I-
[p1]: Now or later?
[p2]: Oh. [p=makePersonList()]: Do you guys hear something?
[p]: I hear the sound of you shutting the fuck up.F [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So we're gathered here today for a very special reason and I think you'll all agree with me here.
[p1]: And if you don't well then fuck you.
[p1]: I'm looking at you, [p], you jealous mop. [p=makePersonList()]: Look, [p], it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday. [p=makePersonList()]: Though I admit I don’t know much about you, I am feeling pretty confident in my assessment that you are probably some sort of sick deadly fuck.
[p]: Who told you my secret? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What's gone wrong, [p2 = p.selectOne]?
[p2]: Hey! That’s one hell of a thing to say to a person. Just because I’m calling doesn’t mean there’s a crisis.
[p1]: That’s technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling?
[p2]: Well... There’s a crisis. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is!
[p1]: Well, guess what? Science is stupid bullshit!!
[p2]: You take that back!!!
[p1]: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end. [p=makePersonList()]: Dammit, [p2 = p.selectOne], you ruined everything!
[p2]: You’re welcome. [p=makePersonList()]: I want a bf.
[p]: Do you mean best friend, boyfriend or bread feast? Because you’re being really vague here. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED!
[p1]: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF COMFORT YOU SUPPLY!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: [p1] just threw a tantrum about a chair.
[p2]: I just won [p1] Tantrum Bingo. [p=makePersonList()]: Your future self is talking shit about you right now.
[p]: Jokes on them. I'll ruin their fucking life. [p=makePersonList()]: There's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand.
[p]: I photosynthesize with this. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I just ended a five year relationship.
[p]: Oh no, are you okay?
[p1]: It's okay, it wasn't mine. [p=makePersonList()]: Life is like [p]. It's short. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Thank God you were there, [p2 = p.selectOne]. I knew you wouldn't let your best friend die.
[p2]: I'm still gonna arrest you. I just can't do that if you're dead.
[p1]: Whatever you gotta tell yourself. Baby steps. It's hard getting then out of their shell. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Are you really planning to shoot the demon?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Don't worry, it's a holy gun.
[p1]: How so?
[p2]: It makes holes. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Here are two pictures. one of them is your room, and the other is the garbage dump.
[p]: *points at a picture* That one is the dump.
[p1]: tHEY'RE BOTH YOUR ROOM! [p=makePersonList()]: Go to sleep or you'll hate yourself in the morning!
[p]: I'll hate my self in the morning regardless. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Punch me in the face.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: ...Punch you?
[p1]: Yes, punch me, didn’t you hear me?
[p2]: I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ while you’re speaking but it’s usually just subtext. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Where are your parents?
[p]: What are parents?
[p1]: That’s just about the saddest thing I ever heard get said. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Ask me anything. Go ahead, I'll give you a straight answer.
[p]: Why are we so fucking awesome?
[p1]: That's the best fucking question anybody's ever asked. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] You’re drunk.
[p]:Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, [p1]. [p=makePersonList()]: Can I ask a dumb question?
[p]: Better than anyone I know. [p=makePersonList()]: Do we have any orange juice left?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: *pours the remaining juice into their cup*
[p2]: Sorry, we’re all out. [p=makePersonList()]: Where are you going?
[p]: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way. [p=makePersonList()]: You might not know this, [p2 = p.selectOne], but I am a flawed person.
[p2]: I do know that. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], I need some advice.
[p2]: You need advice from ME?
[p1]: Yeah, frightening, isn't it? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: That was a joke. Say ha.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Ha.
[p1]: Now do it again.
[p2]: Ha.
[p1]: Congratulations, you are officially the life of the party. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: If I may interject...
[p]: Oh, awesome, [p1] was eavesdropping. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I intend to stay pissed at you forever.
[p1]: Even if I seem helpful.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Then you're in luck.
[p2]: Because you don't. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I think it's time to start fucking some shit up.
[p]: Oh no.
[p1]: More like "oh yes!" [p=makePersonList()]: Oh, hey, I didn’t see you come in! You should have come by and said hello!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Oh! Yeah, I uh...
[p2]: Didn’t want to bother you.
[p2]: Or talk to or listen to or be around you. [p=makePersonList()]: Are you sure this is safe?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Safer than Flintstone vitamin gummies in a bottle.
[p2]: Keep twisting, junior! All you’re gonna get is clicks. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: That's it, I'm cutting off the internet!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: No, please don't! I have a family to feed!
[p1]:
[p1]: What?
[p2]: I need to feed my Neopets! [p=makePersonList()]: But seriously, what is the real plan here that has to do with not fucking around?
[p]: There is no plan that does not involve fucking around. But we will make sure all of our fucking around will be applied in a constructive direction. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Deep down, I'm sure I was always pretty okay with you.
[p]: Thanks, [p1]!
[p1]: It wasn't a compliment, numbnuts. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], my old friend!
[p2]: I think you tried to kill me at some point.
[p1]: That was obviously just my way of getting to know you. [p=makePersonList()]: Do you need help getting up?
[p]: Nah, I'm cool down here on the floor. [p=makePersonList()]: *raises eyebrows*
[p]: Put those back down! [p=makePersonList()]: N... No!
[p]: A fair rebuttal. However, consider this counterpoint: Y... Yes??? [p1]: Be careful about succumbing to these sorts of destructive... urges. Addiction can be a powerful thing.
[p2]: So am I. Bow down before your new supreme overlord, bitches. [p=makePersonList()]: Try not to roll your eyes at me.
[p]: I don't have pupils. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don’t get along?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What did you just say-
[p1]: Foetons! *Laughs*
[p2]: Wh-what? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What the fuck? People actually tell their crushes they like them??
[p]: What the hell do you do?
[p1]: I die? What kinda question... [p=makePersonList()]: You spent all our money on THIS??
[p], putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I am a responsible adult!
[p]: *raises brow*
[p1]: I am an adult. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I have a problem.
[p]: Kill it.
[p1]: Can you chill for like, two seconds? *[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] and [p2 = p.selectOne] enter a dive bar*
[p1]: Look, I know you’re disappointed but could we at least have a drink.
[p2], in a scuba diving suit: I would like leave, please. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], gently nudging [p2 = p.selectOne] aside with their foot: [p2], move out of the way so I don’t trip on you.
[p2], their eyes enormous: You kick [p2]? You kick their body like the football? Oh! Oh! Jail for [p1]! Jail for [p1] for one thousand years! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: If I run and leap at [p2 = p.selectOne], they will most certainly catch me in their arms.
[p1], running towards [p2]: Coming in!
[p2]: No! I’m holding coffee!
[p2]: *Drops coffee and catches [p1]* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Wanna get out of here and grab a bite to eat.
[p]: I don’t usually eat with losers.
[p1]: Neither do I but I asked you, didn’t I? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses.
[p]: The big five licenses?
[p1]: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill! I can't wait to get that one. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Prepare to feel really bad about yourself.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I’ve been prepared for that my entire life.
[p1]:
[p2]: Or something mean about you. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: My life is a mess.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: [p1] relax, go get a beer.
[p1]: I don’t want a beer.
[p2] Who said it was for you? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m scared that when you become rich and famous you’ll be embarrassed by me.
[p]: Oh [p1], I’m already embarrassed by you. [p=makePersonList()]: If I was married to you I would put poison in your coffee.
[p]: If I was married to you I’d drink it. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Y’know, maybe things aren’t so bad. I’m here. I got the nice ocean breeze. Just alone with my thoughts.
[p]: Hey, [p1].
[p1]: GODDAMNIT! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, [p2 = p.selectOne]. What kind of flowers do you prefer?
[p2]: I like sunflowers.
[p1], pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Ah shit, I forgot.
[p]: Forgot what?
[p1]: How do you expect me to answer that? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], holding in their laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing?
[p]: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language.
[p1]:
[p1]: Water you doing? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I think I need a hug...
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Good thing I'm hug shaped!
*45 minutes later*
[p1]: You... you can let go now.
[p2]: No, I absolutely cannot. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Can we go to a haunted house?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
[p1]: Wh-what?
[p2]: Goodnight, [p1]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Have I ever told you that you cook well?
[p]: Awww, no, you haven't!
[p1]: So why do you keep cooking? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I am an expert at identifying birds.
[p]: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?
[p1]: Yeah, they're all birds. [p=makePersonList()]: Someone care to explain why we have 6 dogs in our apartment?
[p]: They're golden retrievers, dude. They retrieve gold. I did this for us. [p=makePersonList()]: Can I have your number?
[p], visible texting: I don't have a phone. [p=makePersonList()]: Why are you on fire?
[p]: This is just how my day is going. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I know one person who finds me funny!
[p]: Okay, who?... and you can't say yourself!
[p1]: Okay then I'm out. [p=makePersonList()]: Don't have a bookmark? Try ketchup instead!!
[p]: What makes you think I read? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Y'know, I once knew a man who said to me: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” He also had a pair of sideburns that would cause even Jude Law’s face to weep in forfeit. You put those lemons in a sack and beat your enemies with ‘em! And maybe if you beat ‘em hard enough the bag will split open and lemon juice will spray into their eyes, causing intense burning pains as you crush them into a citrus-y pulp!
[p]: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Their heads or the lemons?
[p1]: Whatever caves first! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why do you not believe that ghosts are real?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Never seen one.
[p1]: Okay, I mean, there’s a lot of things that you can’t see that are real.
[p2]: What can’t I see?
[p1]: You can’t see gravity. That’s real.
[p2]: Yeah, I can drop an apple.
[p1]: Fuck. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: This is a very powerful artifact. You’d be messing with some forces we don’t fully understand.
[p]: That sounds like a dare to me.
[p1]: Oh my god. [p=makePersonList()], near tears: Please, [p], I don’t speak meme! I don't know what a 'yeet' is! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So I got this amazing plan!
[p]: We fail almost every time you say that.
[p1]: Well this is the same! But with a hamster involved. [p=makePersonList()]: At first I thought you were foolish and incompetent.
[p]: My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression. It was an honest mistake, I swear. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Given the circumstances, I will let you hug me for four to five seconds.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Forty five seconds?!?
[p1]: No! I said four TO five seconds.
[p2], hugging [p1]: Too late. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What are you drinking?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Vodka.
[p1]: Straight?
[p2]: No, gay. Why? [p=makePersonList()], after getting a job as a life guard: Hmm... I wonder what those things at the bottom of the pool are..
[p]: THOSE ARE PEOPLE DROWNING! [p=makePersonList()]: When life gives you lemonades, make lemons! Life will be all like "whaAttT?"
[p]: Life lessons that schools can't teach you. [p=makePersonList()]: Wait you like me? For my personality?
[p]: I know, I was surprised too. [p=makePersonList()]: So what are your political beliefs?
[p], awkwardly trying to impress them: Well, I think Pikachu would be a lot more powerful if he had a gun. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I typed "bitch" into my GPS and guess what? I'm in your driveway.
[p]:
[p1]: Vroom vroom, come out already. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Don't go to the kitchen.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Why?
[p1]: I saw a spider.
[p2]: Well, did you kill it?
[p1]: It has 8 arms and I only have 2, it's not fair... [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: When life gives you lemons, what do you do?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Make lemonade!
[p1]: No, throw them back up in the sky and make life deal with it’s own shit. [p=makePersonList()]: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out [p]'s phone number just by choosing random numbers. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Here comes the lightning!
[p1], whispering: You've got to imagine it coming out my fingertips, wherein I am an almighty wizard.
[p]: Ok, currently imagining that. Hmm, not bad. Not bad at all. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Are you busy?
[p]: Yes.
[p1]: Cool, listen to this. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You are an absolute fucking dork.
[p], singing: Yeah, but I'm your dork!
[p1]: *sighs* Yeah, you're my dork. [p=makePersonList()]: What is wrong with you?
[p]: Loaded question. Elaborate. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why would I flip my shit about that?
[p]: Because you flip your shit about everything.
[p1]: Well, will you look at this. Here is my shit, and yet it remains unflipped. Just sitting there on the skillet, getting burned on one side. It’s a miracle. [p1]: So [p2], how did your first time cooking dinner go?
[p2]: Pretty good if I do say so myself.
[p1]: Oo! Okay, what are we having?
[p2]: Alright, so for appetizers, we have a potato.
[p1]: A whole potato?
[p2]: Yes. And then for the main course, we have grilled cheese sandwiches!
[p1]: These just look like big slabs of black.
[p2]: Because that's what they are!
[p2]: And then for desert, we have chocolate.
[p1]: These are just chocolate chips?
[p2]: They sure are!
[p2]: And then for drinks, we have toast!
[p2]: *lifts up a glass of blended toast* Bon appetite! [p=makePersonList()]: Oh, fiddlesticks.
[p]: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne], I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor.
[p2]: Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound? [p=makePersonList()] They couldn't find their way out of a paper bag.
[p]: That's not true! I found my way out of a paper bag yesterday! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I feel so burnt out.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Don’t worry, it'll be over soon.
[p1]: Are you gonna... assassinate me?
[p2]: Well not if you’re expecting it. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m proud to say I’ve come over my fear of ghosts!
[p]: Eyy, that’s the spirit!
[p1]: *gasps* whErE???!!!?? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], admiring a sleeping [p2 = p.selectOne]: You’re so cute.
[p2], sleepily: I could beat your ass.
[p1], lovingly: I know. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What should I do?
[p]: *holds out hand* May I suggest dinner with a friend?
[p1]: Well, none of my friends are available, so I guess I'll have to go with you. [p=makePersonList()]: Evil never sleeps!
[p]: But ugly gets plenty of rest. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: How would you like your coffee?
[p]: As dark as my soul.
[p1]: Got it, one cup of milk coming right up! [p=makePersonList()]: I desire moisture.
[p]: Please just say "I want water" like a normal person. [p=makePersonList()]: I have a problem.
[p]: If it's harder than 2+2, I can't help. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times.
[p]: You mean you stabbed them?
[p1]: They ran into my knife. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Is this mistletoe?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Uh, no, no, that is basil.
[p1]: Too bad cause if it was mistletoe I was gonna kiss you.
[p2]: Yeah, no, it’s still basil. [p=makePersonList()]: Could you be anymore annoying?
[p]: Yes. [p=makePersonList()]: I wanna die.
[p]: We all do, you aren't special! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.
[p1]:
[p2]: I don’t know how you keep forgetting this. [p=makePersonList()]: What’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: *sighs*
[p2]: I killed a man. [p=makePersonList()]: You’re from Ohio, right?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Okay, first of all, my parents live in Ohio.
[p2]: I live in the moment. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'm bored, any suggestions?
[p]: Sleeping is nice.
[p1]: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it. [p=makePersonList()]: Hello [p2 = p.selectOne], made anyone cry today?
[p2]: Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?
[p]: *half asleep* [p1], this is a queen-sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen. [p=makePersonList()]: So I’m the only one around here who can clean up, huh? You can't even lift a finger?
[p]: Do I get to pick the finger? [p=makePersonList()]: Kill me nowwwww.
[p]: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my homework. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to [p] and not do the thing,
[p1]: Well there’s a clear right answer here.
[p1]: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke* [p=makePersonList()]: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember [p2 = p.selectOne], taken from us in the prime of life; when they were crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.
[p2]: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said I’d tell you when we’re in too deep?
[p]: Yes?
[p1]: We’re in too deep. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Someone’s trying to break in. Call the cops!
[p]: *loads shotgun* I got this.
[p1]: Last week you fell up the stairs, what do you mean- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], grinning: I have a knife!
[p]: Put it down, [p1].
[p1]: Make me! *sprints away* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey [p2 = p.selectOne], I’ve got an idea for how to solve this.
[p2], pulling out a shotgun: Yeah?
[p1]: Wh- No! That’s not the idea, [p2]! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You are a solid 11/10.
[p]: Aw, thank-
[p1]: Which is 1.1 because you look like shit. [p=makePersonList()]: Hey [p2 = p.selectOne], do you wanna help us?
[p2]: Oh, I would... but I don’t want to. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You use humor to deflect your trauma.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Awww, thanks-
[p1]: That’s not a good thing.
[p2]: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny. [p=makePersonList()]: I’ve only had [p] for a day and a half but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in this room and then myself. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne], you risked your life to save me!
[p2]: And I’d do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it. [p=makePersonList()]: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!
[p]: Apparently, we're not. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: My assistance will be an act of beneviolence.
[p]: ...Don’t you mean benevolence?
[p1]: No. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne], remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life?
[p2]: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all. [p=makePersonList()]: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.
[p2 = p.selectOne]:
[p2]: I like you. [p = makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I have an idea.
[p.selectOne]: A good idea?
[p1]: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What? I'm not aggressive!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips?
[p1]: Survival of the fittest, bitch. [p=makePersonList()]: Do you take constructive criticism?
[p]: Not without crying [p=makePersonList()]: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.
[p]: But what if something else happens just this one time. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What's this?
[p], hugging [p1]: Affection!
[p1]: Disgusting.
[p1]: ...Do it again. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], texting: Answer your phone
[p2 = p.selectOne], texting back: Wait a minute, I can’t find my phone
[p1]: Understood
[p1], 5 minutes later: You’re a terrible person. You know you’re killing me. You’re killing me, [p2]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Met a dumbass today. Awful.
[p]: You looked in a mirror?
[p1]: someday you will have to answer for your actions and god may not be so merciful. Kidnapper: We have your child
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I don’t have a child?
Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?
[p1]: Oh god, you have [p] [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Truth or dare?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Truth.
[p1]: How many hours have you slept this week?
[p2]:
[p2]: Dare.
[p1]: Go to sleep.
[p2]: I don't like this game. [p=makePersonList()]: But that’s censorship.
[p]: Well done. You are correct. You’re being censored. Now go. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], upon learning how [p2 = p.selectOne] did a magic trick: So you’re not magic?
[p2]: Well, not really.
[p1]: You’re just a liar. [p=makePersonList()]: You look mentally ill.
[p]: I am. Let’s go. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, aren’t you [p2 = p.selectOne]?
[p2]: You a cop?
[p1]: No.
[p2]: Then yes, I am. [p=makePersonList()]: We either die free, or die trying!
[p]: Are those the only choices? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Thanks for pulling the fire alarm, you saved me from giving an oral report about The Scarlet Web.
[p]: You were too lazy to read the book?!
[p1]: I was too lazy to watch the movie.
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, can I get a sip of that water?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: It’s not water.
[p1]: Vodka! I like your sty-
[p2]: It’s vinegar.
[p1]: …What?
[p2]: It's vinegar, PUSSY. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Start talking!
[p]: Well, I-
[p1]: Shut up! [p=makePersonList()]: How stupid do you think I am?!
[p]: You really want an honest answer to that? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You’re jealous.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Jealous?
[p1]: That’s why you were being so negative about this.
[p2]: That’s absurd. I’m always negative. [p=makePersonList()]: You’d be stupid to lay a hand on me.
[p]: Oh, you’d be surprised how much stupid shit I do. Teacher: Your child was in a fight.
[p=makePersonList()]: Oh no, that’s terrible!
[p]: Did they win? [p=makePersonList()]: It’s nice to be wanted, you know?
[p]: Not by the law! [p=makePersonList()]: What has the galaxy ever done for you?! Why would you wanna save it?!
[p]: Cause I’m one of the idiots who lives in it! [p=makePersonList()]: I’ve been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the “power nap” button. I don’t set up alarms, I set up timers, [p]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’ve never been in a snowball fight before. I don’t know the rules.
[p]: What?
[p1]: Is there a point system, or is it to the death? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], I screwed up, big time.
[p2]: [p1], given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific. [p=makePersonList()]: Holy shit, [p2 = p.selectOne], do you know what this means?!
[p2]: Kid, whenever you start doing this, nobody knows what you mean. [p=makePersonList()]: Oh, my God. Do you know what this is?
[p]: It’s a book. There’s a lot of those in here, this is a library. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What are amphetamines?
[p]: Drugs that can go on land and water.
[p1]: Ohhhh. [p=makePersonList()]: There is no future. There is no past. Don't you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every fact.
[p]: ...All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first. [p=makePersonList()]: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff.
[p]: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'm going the fight the next person who insults [p2 = p.selectOne].
[p2]: I hate myself.
[p1]: Alright, square up. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne], can you help me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason.
[p2], wearing a hoodie that's 5 times bigger than their size: Spooky. [p=makePersonList()], in the hospital: Will you visit me when I get out?
[p]: Lol nah, I hate graveyards. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-
[p]: It was me...
[p1]: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *eating a cinnamon roll*
[p]: Cannibalism.
[p1]: *confused chewing noises* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m here for the cult stuff.
[p]: How did you find us?
[p1]: I saw your ad on craigslist. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I've connected the two dots.
[p]: You didn't connect shit.
[p1]: I've connected them. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey [p2 = p.selectOne], do you have any hobbies?
[p2]: Swimming..
[p1]: Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to-
[p2]: In a pool of self hatred and regret. [p=makePersonList()]: That's greatly offensive to my people.
[p]: College dropouts? [p=makePersonList()]: Pardon the intrusion, but-
[p]: On this moment or just my life in general? [p=makePersonList()]: Don’t worry, I have a permit.
[p]: ...This just says “I can do what I want”. [p=makePersonList()]: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!
[p]: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Damn, the power went out.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Don’t worry, I got this.
[p2]: *shakes rapidly and starts to light up*
[p1]: What-?
[p2]: I swallowed a glow stick!
[p1], on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Damn, the power went out.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Don’t worry, I got this.
[p2]: *stomps foot*
[p1]: What-?
[p2]: *Sketchers light up* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], at [p2 = p.selectOne]'s funeral: I need a moment with them.
Everyone: Of course. *They leave*
[p1], leaning over [p2]′s coffin: Okay, listen here you little shit. I know you’re not dead.
[p2]: Yeah, no shit. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do you want to play 20 Questions?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Sure!
[p2]: Whats your favorite color?
[p1], laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do you like men? [p=makePersonList()]: We have fun, don’t we, [p2 = p.selectOne]?
[p2]: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: When was the last time you cried?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Uh 15 minutes ago, why??
[p1]: really? That recent?
[p2]: Yeah *voice crack* is that a issue? *starts crying again* [p=makePersonList()]: Tommorrow's garbage day.
[p]: I can't believe they made a whole day dedicated to you. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m quick at math.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Ok, what’s 38 times 76?
[p1]: 24.
[p2]: That wasn’t even close.
[p1]: But it was quick. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], skipping rocks on a lake with [p2 = p.selectOne]: It’s such a beautiful evening.
[p2]: Yeah, it is.
[p2]: *whispering* Take that you fucking lake. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: How does that even work?
[p], mocking them: hOw dO yOu UsE a cOmPUteR aNd KnOw wHaTS GoiNg oN iT DoEsNt mAke SeNSe?!
[p1]: Your face doesnt make sense. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: honk.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: WHAT.
[p1]: HONK.
[p2]: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT????? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from a all you can eat pizza buffet.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Why’d you get banned?
[p1]: Touched the rat.
[p2]: … What rat?
[p1]: Chunky Cheese. [p=makePersonList()]: Why cant trees give off something important like wifi??
[p]: So fuck oxygen, I guess. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Change is inedible.
[p]: Don’t you mean inevitable?
[p1], spitting out a bunch of pennies: No, I really didn’t. [p=makePersonList()], texting [p2 = p.selectOne]: Roses are red, Tony Hawk is a skater…
[p2]′s phone, auto-replying: I’m driving right now–I’ll get back to you later.
*Later*
[p2], texting back: Fuck you. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Oh, here’s my award for the most rules broken!
[p]: That’s not an award, it’s an angry letter from our boss.
[p1], hanging it on their wall: Well, it has the word ‘most’ in it, so I’m calling it an award! [p=makePersonList()]: Good morning!
[p]: Is it? Is it really? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: We need a plan to beat them.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.
[p1]:
[p2]: Judge me all you want, I get results. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: We all have our demons.
[p1], grabbing [p]: This one’s mine. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: When I was your age-
[p], mocking [p1]: When I was your height.
[p1]:
[p1]: Listen here you little shit- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Am I in trouble?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Take a guess.
[p1]: No?
[p2]: Take another guess. [p=makePersonList()], confused and exasperated: [p2 = p.selectOne], how do you plan on telling a bear to go vegan?
[p2]: Politely [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do you even know what an amulet is?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions!
[p1]: [p2], those are omelettes.
[p2]: Oh. Then I’ve got nothing. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What is the one thing I told you not to do?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Burn the house down.
[p1]: And what did you do?
[p2]: I made dinner.
[p1]:
[p2]:
[p1]:
[p2]: And burnt the house down. [p=makePersonList()]: So I have made the decision to trust you.
[p]: A horrible decision, really. [p=makePersonList()]: Let’s write [p] a friendly note, shall we? Dear... Incompetent... Dumbass... [p1]: Isn’t a bit dangerous?
[p2]: [p1], please. We’ve in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt.
[p1]: ...
[p2]: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt.
[p1]: ...
[p2]: Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves in the way home.
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What does a winner do when life gives them lemons?
[p]: Um, make lemonade?
[p1]: No, they squeeze them right back into life’s eyes! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *holds a gun out to [p2 = p.selectOne]*
[p2]: I-I don't believe in guns.
[p1]: Well, trust me, they're very real. Now take it. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Look, I’m glad everyone’s on the same page.
[p1]: But it’s the last page in a book titled “we’re all going to die”.
[p]: That’s not even clever. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What is this!?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: That’s the weight of guilt. Give in to the nice side. Help those unfortunate, and make the guilt go away, my friend.
[p1]: Ow! Make it stop!
[p2]: Surrender to your kindness, [p1]. It’s nice to be nice.
[p1]: Your guilt is strong, my friend. But it is no match for the power of my selfishness! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What did you do?!
[p1]: NOBODY DIED!
[p2]: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?! [p=makePersonList()]: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're impressed.
[p]: But you do know better. [p=makePersonList()]: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing.
[p]: But ya' didn't! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Love makes people do stupid things.
[p]: I love everything!
[p1]: That explains a lot. [p=makePersonList()]: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.
[p]: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet.
[p]: Nat 20 Charisma.
[p1]: That is NOT how that works- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I can never give [p] shit because I’m jealous of them. They look at their life and say, “Sweet! This is perfect!”
[p1]: I look at my life and say, “Welp. Time to get drunk.” [p=makePersonList()]: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, [p2 = p.selectOne]!
[p2]: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], dramatically: They called me a fool.
[p], sick of [p1]'s shit: They weren’t wrong. [p=makePersonList()]: Do you have any idea what you’re doing?
[p]: Why start now? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Seriously, [p2 = p.selectOne], how many people would you have killed if we’d asked you to?
[p2]: That’s not important
[p1]: I DISAGREE. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What’s your favorite color?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Stop asking stupid questions. Ask me something logical and mature.
[p1]: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP?
[p2]: My favorite color is pink. [p=makePersonList()]: Trouble at 2 o'clock!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: *looks down at their watch*
[p2]: Now, how do you know that? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: My only talent is being stress.
[p]: Don't you mean stressed?
[p1]: No. [p=makePersonList()]: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
[p], narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], looking at a selfie of [p2 = p.selectOne]’s: I hate this photo.
[p2]: I’m cute as fuck in that photo! I’m smiling kindly.
[p1]: You’re not smiling kindly; you look like you’re up to something.
[p2]: Up to kindness. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Everything’s fine, [p2 = p.selectOne].
[p2]: [p1], I know your relationship with the english language is strictly casual, but you- I- *deep inhale* ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU WHAT’S NOT FINE. [p=makePersonList()]: Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!
[p]: Please, just say fuck. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I am going to need you to swear-
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Fuck.
[p1]:
[p1]: ...swear as in promise. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *holding a salt packet* It’s just a little sodium chloride.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Actually [p1], it’s salt.
[p1]: That’s what I said, sodium chloride.
[p2]: Uh [p1], that would be salt.
[p2]: *takes salt packer from [p1]* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit. [p=makePersonList()]: When do you usually go to sleep?
[p]: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods. [p=makePersonList()]: So, [p2 = p.selectOne], do you have a crush on anyone?
[p2]: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety. [p=makePersonList()]: You played me!
[p]: Like the cheap kazoo you are! [p=makePersonList()]: I can't imagine what [p] is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'm gonna need a human skull but you can't ask why.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Only if you also don't ask why.
[p2]: *pulls four pristine human skulls out of their bag*
[p1]: ...
[p1], grabbing a skull: This one will do. [p=makePersonList()]: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.
[p]: Killed without hesitation. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Mine just says "[p2] no."
[p1]: I want you to apply it to every possible situation. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Did you like the food I made?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: No, not really.
[p1]: But I put my heart and soul into it!
[p2]: No wonder it tastes so cold and dead. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *closes a cabinet*
*a crash is heard behind the cabinet door*
[p]: What was that?
[p1]: The sound of someone else's problem. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *sees someone doing something stupid*
[p1]: What an idiot.
[p1]: *realizes it's [p]*
[p1]: Wait, that's MY idiot! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Go big or go home!
[p]: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home.
[p1]: I'm going big! [p=makePersonList()]: Fight me!
[p], standing behind them and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: How would you like your coffee?
[p]: As dark and as bitter as my soul.
[p1], shouting to someone behind the counter: I need one vanilla latte with extra cream and sugar! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset?
[p]: No, I said "[p1], don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Are you ever going to listen to me?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Yes. Absolutely.
[p1]: When?
[p2]: When you're right. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I wish I was a dinosaur.
[p]: Why? Cause they're big and scary?
[p1]: Because they're dead. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I failed my safety training course today.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Why, what happened?
[p1]: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?"
[p2]: And?
[p1]: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer. [p=makePersonList()]: I'm going to ask you to be respectful.
[p]: I will politely decline. [p=makePersonList()]: How many children do you have?
[p]: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference. [p=makePersonList()]: Please could you go to the shop and get a carton of milk, if they have avacodos get six.
[p], coming back from the store with six cartons of milk: They had avacados! [p=makePersonList()]: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.
[p]: Those are wanted posters! [p=makePersonList()]: I could kill you if I wanted.
[p]: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I made tea.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I don't want tea.
[p1]: I didn't make you tea. This is my tea.
[p2]: Then why did you tell me?
[p1]: It's a conversation starter.
[p2]: It's a horrible conversation starter.
[p1]: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What happened?!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Do you want the long version or the short version?
[p1]: Sh-short??
[p2]: Shit's fucked.
[p1]: Okay, long.
[p2]: Shit's very fucked. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne], you're my best friend.
[p2]: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm your only friend.
[p2]: I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS! [p=makePersonList()]: Why are you like this??
[p]: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a kid and I haven't felt a single emotion since. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne]...
[p2]: Oh no, '[p2]' in B flat.
[p2]: You're disappointed. [p=makePersonList()]: Who's in charge here?
[p], shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.
[p1]: Th-that's not how that works- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do dragons fart fire?
[p]: I don't know.
[p1]: I thought you went to college. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You believe me?
[p]: [p1], you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning. [p=makePersonList()]: You read my diary?
[p]: At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book. [p=makePersonList()]: I can’t tell if you’re a genius or just incredibly arrogant.
[p]: Well, on a good day, I’m both. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Alright, listen up you little shits.
[p1]: Not you [p]. You’re an angel and we’re thrilled you’re here. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What’s up? I’m back.
[p]: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead
[p1]: Death is a social construct. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: We are not mad. We are just disappointed.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: No, we are mad.
[p1]: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
[p2]: No, we’re not!
[p1]: I am not a mind reader, [p2]! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I wouldn’t put it in those words exactly.
[p]: Why not?
[p1]: Because I don't know what they mean. [p=makePersonList()]: What are your three best qualities?
[p]: I’m hot, I have soft hair, and sometimes I cry because I love my friends. [p=makePersonList()]: Just be yourself. Say something nice.
[p]: Which one? I can't do both. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I made this friendship bracelet for you.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.
[p1]: You don’t have to wear…
[p2]: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off. [p=makePersonList()]: "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield."
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Opposite over hypotenuse.
[p2]: Dipshit. [p=makePersonList()]: The first time [p] opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside they yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!" [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do you know a turtles only weakness?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: No... well, their slowness.
[p1]: Their weaknesss is they can't roll over when they are on their backs.
[p1]: Now I have a plan.
[p1]: If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been warmer than it was last week.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Why does it seem like every time you talk to us, you end up talking about the weather? Is your life so unimaginably dull that you can't think of any events in your life to describe that might be more interesting than the weather? Let's think of something for you to talk about other than the weather. I mean, we barely even know anything about you, other than where you live.
[p2]: Let's start there. What do you do for a living?
[p1]: I'm a meteorologist. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I found a note in one of my old word .docs that said Note to self: Get revenge on [p2 = p.selectOne].
[p1]: Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to get revenge for.
[p1]: But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it.
[p2]: Hmm... I don't know what you were supposed to get revenge for, either.
[p1]: I can only assume you got what was coming to you. Not 100 percent sure, though.
[p2]: Well, whatever I did, I guess I deserved it.
[p1]: Let that possibly be a lesson to you. [p=makePersonList()]: We vegetarians love the environment. Carnivores are sick freaks.
[p]: How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. you keep eating all the fucking plants. [p=makePersonList()]: "Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin
[p]: What the fuck? Begets isn't a word. Quit trying to make up words, fuckface. [p=makePersonList()]: Jesus Saves.
[p]: Passes to Moses, SCOOOOOORE! [p=makePersonList()]: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Neither.
[p2]: Because it's twelve. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: How long do you think it'll take?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I don’t know, three or four.
[p1]: Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months?
[p2]: Yeah, maybe five.
[p1]: Five what?! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], looking at their reflection: Now, that's rubbish. Who's that supposed to be?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Well, that's you.
[p1]: Me?! Is that what I look like?
[p2]: You don't know?
[p1]: Busy day. [p=makePersonList()]: You know what’s funny about [p]? They’re my best friend, and anyone who’d hurt them is someone I’d murder, probably. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: We just ate. Why are you making pancakes?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: For the dogs.
[p1]: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
[p2]: They don't know how. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], we tried things your way.
[p2]: No, we didn't.
[p1]: I did it in my head and it didn't work. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: That's not funny.
[p]: I thought it was funny.
[p1]: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook. [p=makePersonList()]: Can you keep a secret?
[p]: Well, I'm good until I meet the next person. [p=makePersonList()]: You think you're smarter than everyone else.
[p]: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am. [p=makePersonList()]: I got grounded for a whole week just because I came home late.
[p]: Well, you deserved it. I mean, getting everyone's hopes up like that and then showing up again. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: All I drank was Redbull!
[p1]: How many?
[p2]: Eighteen. [p=makePersonList()]: This was almost a great idea.
[p]: You just described 90% of our stuff. [p=makePersonList()]: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.
[p]: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in their own pool. Big difference. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], can I speak to you for a minute? In private.
[p2]: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that. [p=makePersonList()]: That sounds like a terrible plan.
[p]: Oh, we've had worse. [p=makePersonList()]: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all?
[p]: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere. [p=makePersonList()]: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.
[p]: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: We could attack them with hummus.
[p1]: I stand corrected.
[p2]: Just keeping things in perspective. [p=makePersonList()]: *Locks [p2 = p.selectOne] in the car.* Act like a child, get treated like a child.
[p2]: What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *Answers phone.* Hello?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: It's [p2].
[p1]: What did they do this time?
[p2]: No, it's me, [p1]. It's actually me.
[p1]: What did you do this time? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: How do tall people people possibly sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you?
[p]: [p1], it's four o'clock in the morning.
[p1]: So, you can't sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Damn, [p2 = p.selectOne], are you secretly cool?
[p2]: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool.
[p1]: I do not. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Who the fuck-
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Language!
[p1]: Whom the fuck-
[p2]: No. [p=makePersonList()]: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.
[p]: And you came to me? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So what do you have planned for the future?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Lunch.
[p1]: No, like long term.
[p2]: Oh...um, dinner? [p=makePersonList()]: What's wrong with you?
[p]: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression. [p=makePersonList()]: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.
[p]: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult. [p=makePersonList()]: I trusted you!
[p]: Why? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What do you have?
[p]: A KNIFE!
[p1]: NO! [p=makePersonList()], hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.
[p]: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks. [p=makePersonList()]: Can I have some?
[p], mouth full of cheesecake: It's really spicy, you wouldn't like it. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I don't know, it's not my cup of tea.
[p]: Well then whose is it?
[p1], staring at a cup of tea: I don't know! [p=makePersonList()] with a gun to [p2 = p.selectOne]'s head: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven?
[p2]: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why are you drinking?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I drink when I'm depressed.
[p1]: But you're always drinking?
[p2]: *smug grin* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I have a 1:30 appointment.
[p]: Which doctor?
[p1]: No, I want the regular doctor. [p=makePersonList()]: You made enough pasta that you could take it to lunch tomorrow. Put it in a container.
[p]: Shovel the pasta into your face. Do it. Put it in your face. The future is meaningless but the pasta is now. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, if you type in your password, it'll show in stars.
[p1]: ********* see!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: hunter2
[p2]: Doesn't look like stars to me.
[p1]: [p2]: *******
[p1]: That's what I see.
[p2]: Oh, really?
[p1]: Absolutely.
[p2]: You can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2.
[p2]: Haha, does that look funny to you?
[p1]: Lol, yes. See when YOU type hunter2, it shows it to us as *******
[p2]: That's cool. I didn't know this site did that.
[p1]: Yup. No matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
[p2]: Awesome.
[p2]: Wait, how do you know my password?
[p1]: Er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause it's your password.
[p2]: Oh, ok. [p=makePersonList()]: Are you a masochist or a sadist?
[p], deadpan: I’m a Taurus. [p=makePersonList()]: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?
[p]: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: It's not our fault!
[p]: Yeah, but... Come on, the least we can do it talk to them.
[p1]: No, the least we could do is nothing! [p=makePersonList()]: What happened to your nose?
[p]: I used it to break some guy's fist. [p=makePersonList()]: [p] just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then they reached down and untied my shoe. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *shatters a window and climbs through it*
[p1]: *turns around and helps [p2 = p.selectOne] through it* Breaking and entering is wrong [p2].
[p2]: Okay. [p=makePersonList()]: Everybody shut up, I'm thinking.
[p], patting them on the back: Well, don’t think too hard. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself. [p=makePersonList()], holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: *grabs and chugs the entire bottle*
[p2]:
[p2]: It's perfume. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: When's the last time you slept?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Uh... a few days ago, I think.
[p1]: A few- how many?!
[p2]: Uh... *starts counting on fingers* I need more fingers...
[p1]: What you need is sleep! [p=makePersonList()]: Hi-
[p]: Leave before there's a terrible misunderstanding between my foot and your ass. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Are you mad?
[p]: No.
[p1]: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], sniffling: Calm down, I’m probably not sick. It might just be allergies.
[p]: Okay, tell me this: are you like, really tired?
[p1]: I have depression, what do you think? [p=makePersonList()]: I’m not so sure you’re stakeout material.
[p]: I’m a chronic insomniac, I was born for this. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], texting [p2 = p.selectOne]: *sends a voice message*
[p2], texting back: I’m a little busy, is it urgent?
[p1]: No, don’t worry, just listen later.
*later*
[p2]: *presses play*
[p1]'s voice message: THERE’S A FIRE- [p=makePersonList()], peeling a banana: May I take your jacket, sir? Hahahaha.
[p]: Do you think other people can’t hear you? [p=makePersonList()]: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this.
[p]: Maybe we would, if you would sTOP BREAKING INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE!!! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: The time to act is now.
[p1]: Wink, wink.
[p]: Don't say "wink wink". Just wink.
[p1]: Oh, sorry.
[p1]: Wink. [p=makePersonList()]: Can I have some water?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: *starts chugging their water bottle*
[p2]: *chokes from drinking too fast*
[p2]: *spills water all over themself*
[p2], coughing: I don't have any water. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do you think I’m ugly?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: It’s not about looks, [p1]. What’s valuable is on the inside...
[p1]: [p2]...
[p2]: For example, someone's heart.
[p1]: Aw... Stop it-
[p2]: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know.
[p1]: Seriously, stop. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I don’t even use tubberware anymore.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What are you saying? Say it again.
[p1]: Tubberware.
[p2]: Say it again. Slow.
[p1]: Tubberware.
[p2]: Slow, very slow - actually, say the first syllable.
[p1]: Tub.
[p2]: Wrong.
[p1]: What do you mean, wrong?
[p2]: I thought I caught that. You’re saying tub. It’s P.
[p1]: What are you talking about?
[p2]: Tupperware. Tupper.
[p1]: It’s tupper!
[p2]: It’s tupper, always has been, always will be.
[p1]: I thought it was tubberware because it kind of looks like a tub. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *chokes on something*
[p]: Jeez, [p1], don't die on us.
[p1]: Don't tell me what to do, I'll die whenever the hell I want! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You’re my best friend, I would do anything for you.
[p]: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
[p1]: Absolutely not. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], what are you doing?
[p2]: *shaking a cat shaped piggy bank* I’m just trying to figure out how much change I have inside.
[p1]: You could always take it out and count it.
[p2]: Where’s the fun in that? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Advice of the day kids, if you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color then they are a certified nerd.
[p]: Yeah but you have to specify, frost glacier or cool blue? You can’t just say blue because there’s more than one blue.
[p1]: Blue and light blue, nice try nerd. [p=makePersonList()]: We’re all in this together. If one of us falls, we all fall. Nobody is expendable on this team.
[p]: Sounds fake but ok. [p=makePersonList()]: Some of us are still ‘it’ from a childhood game of tag.
[p]: way to just fuck me up on a Tuesday. [p=makePersonList()]: Astrology is fun because i can pretend that all of my behaviors are just a result of being a Gemini and not symptoms of mental illness.
[p]: Being a Gemini is a mental illness. That’s not hate it’s just a fact. [p=makePersonList()]: Are you this rude to everyone?!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Yup.
[p2]: Don't think you're special. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m 80% awesome 20% water and 100% handsome.
[p]: That’s 200%.
[p1]: I’m twice the man you’ll ever be. [p=makePersonList()]: You’re charged with…..breaking into a pet store?
[p]: I thought the animals might be lonely. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it.
[p1]: And I started thinking.
[p1]: Like, it was just trying to get food.
[p1]: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck?
[p]: Are you ok? [p=makePersonList()]: You use emoji’s like a straight person.
[p]: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.
[p]: You and me!
[p1]: *tearing up* Ok. [p=makePersonList()]: Are you having another depressive episode?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: A depressive episode?
[p2]: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Here’s the cold medicine you asked for.
[p1]: *dumps 3 shopping bags of wine on the table*
[p]: ...Thanks. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Who hurt you?
[p]: *snorting* What, do you want a list?
[p1]: ...Yes, actually. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You fuckers don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon.
[p]: Spear.
[p1]: BLOCKED. [p=makePersonList()]: Am I going to far?
[p]: No, no, no. You went too far about 7 hours ago. Now you’re going to prison. *[p=makePersonList()] sends more than 5 messages in a row*
[p1 = p.selectOne]: I ain’t reading all that.
[p1]: I’m happy for you tho.
[p1]: Or sorry that happened. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Let me copy your homework.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I was gonna copy yours.
[p1]: Well, shit.
[p2]: Guess I'm not doing it. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You’ve got to learn to love yourself.
[p]: But don't you hate yourself.
[p1]: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Can you pass the salt?
[p]: Can you pass away?
[p1]: Too much salt. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *texting* Hey can you pick me up I’m drunk.
[p1]: Oh you don't have to anymore. I'm home now.
[p]: Yes, I'm aware of that after dropping you off at home. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Everything will be ok. You can not stop it.
[p1]: Everything will be fine. You have no choice.
[p]: What the fuck kind of pep talk is that?
[p1]: Ominous positivity. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: That’s illegal, right?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Why do you care? Are you a fucking cop?
[p1]: No-
[p2]: Then shut the fuck up. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You remind me of the ocean.
[p]: Because I'm deep and mysterious?
[p1]: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Ok, [p1], I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918?
[p1]: 1917.
[p2]: ...You're ready. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *on the phone* Hey [p2 = p.selectOne], do you know my blood type?
[p2]: Of course, it's B-.
[p1]: Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *on the phone* Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference.
[p1]: Anyways, you said [p] is enjoying finger painting! That's great. [p=makePersonList()]: Can I bother you for a second?
[p]: You're always bothering me, but go ahead. [p=makePersonList()]: Remember what I told you.
[p]: Don’t be a cunt. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You either buckle down and do your work or you’ll end up at McDonalds.
[p]: We're going to McDonalds if I don't do my work?
[p1]: NO- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: It’s not gonna work, I’m not a snitch.
Cop: Fine, let's try something else. Tag a friend you recently committed a crime with.
[p1]: Lmao, @[p]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p] taught me to think before I act.
[p1]: ...So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured that I thought about it and am confident in my decision. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne]! Have you no dignity?
[p2]: Of course not! How long have we known eachother? [p=makePersonList()]: Are you an ‘arr’ pirate or a ‘yo ho ho’ pirate?
[p]: I’m a ‘I’m not paying $600 for photoshop’ pirate. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], this morning, I called you abhorrent and reprehensible, and I’d like to withdraw that statement-
[p2]: Aww, thanks-
[p1]: But I can't. Those are the 2 words that best describe you. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.
[p1]: They're not.
[p2]: Haha, very funny.
[p1]: I'm serious. Didn't you hear?
[p2]: No... what happened?
[p1]: ...Why would you fall for this again- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do you want some tea?
[p]: What are the options?
[p1]: Yes or no. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], holding a kettle: Coffee or tea?
[p]: Tea.
[p1]: Wrong. It's coffee. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, are you okay?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Yeah.
[p1]: You don't look okay...
[p2]: Then stop looking. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What the fuck is wrong with you??
[p]: What? No good morning?
[p1]: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you?? ([p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’ve invited you here because I crave the deadliest game...
[p], nodding: Knife Monopoly.
[p1]: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: When I first met you, I did not like you.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I'm aware of that.
[p1]: But then you and I had some time together.
[p2]: Uh-huh?
[p1]: It did not get better. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *coughs blood*
[p]: Don't die, [p1]!
[p1]: Don't tell me what to do! [p=makePersonList()]: I have a new hoodie.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Wrong.
[p2]: We have a new hoodie. [p=makePersonList()], to [p]: I'll be under the mistletoe when you start feeling desperate! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You know what I’ve realized?
[p]: Some thoughts are better left unsaid?
[p1]: Nice try, anyways- *at a zoo*
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What are they in for?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: [p1], this isn't prison.
[p1]: So they can leave?
[p2]: No, but-
[p1], pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one murdered someone. [p=makePersonList()]: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like ‘look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I’m losing.’
[p]: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees. [p=makePersonList()]: What’s the dumbest thing you believed as a child?
[p]: That naptime was a punishment. Computer: Please enter a password.
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *types in [p]*
Computer: Your password is too weak.
[p1]: How fucking DARE YOU- [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne]! For the love of god, please turn down that music. I have a hangover.
[p2]: *blasting the mii theme at full volume* That sounds like a you problem, not a mii problem. [p=makePersonList()], ordering coffee: I’d like a light roast.
[p]: You're kinda ugly. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What are you eating?
[p]: You wouldn't like it, it's really salty.
[p1]: I like you, don't I? [p=makePersonList()]: *in a jail cell* What about my Miranda rights!? You’re supposed to say I have ‘the right to remain silent’”! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!
[p]: *in the cell next to them* You have the right to remain silent, what you lack is the capacity. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Did you buy eggs like I asked?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Even better!
[p1]: What the fuck did you-
[p2]: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: FIGHT ME, YOU NERD ASS SLUT!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: At least try to sound slightly more sophisticated when you threaten someone.
[p1]: Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask; dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good bitch?
[p2]: Somehow that's worse. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me!
[p]: Oh-? Even more humiliating than-
[p1]: We are not doing this! [p=makePersonList()]: Sorry it took so long to bail you out of jail.
[p]: No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have used my phone call to prank call the police station. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I need to dye my hair.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: ...
[p1]: Or get another tattoo.
[p2]: ...
[p1]: Or a new piercing.
[p2]: Why?
[p1]: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*
[p]: [p1], what did you think a tiger shark was? [p=makePersonList()]: Tell me a little about yourself.
[p]: I'd rather not, I really like this group. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I just wanna be called cute 21/7.
[p]: Why no 24/7?
[p1]: Snack breaks. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why do you think I don’t like you? I do. I would kill for you.
[p1]: Ask me to kill for you.
[p]: ...First of all, calm down- [p=makePersonList()]: Okay, two person huddle.
[p]: You can't huddle with two people. This is just a hug. [p=makePersonList()]: You disgust me.
[p]: *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have [p] periodically send me texts saying ‘we need to talk.’
[p1]: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne], how could you possibly have gotten into this much trouble in one day?
[p2]: It... It didn't take me the whole day... [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!
[p]: That doesn't exist.
[p1]: Not with that attitude. [p=makePersonList()]: Wow, great work on the Halloween decorations. Where did you get the fake skeletons?
[p]: Fake? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you.
[p]: Being a fish.
[p1]: Well, shit. [p=makePersonList()]: [p] likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,’ but I happen to believe you can be both. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why is it so hard for you to believe me?!
[p]: ...
[p1]: Oh, right. The lying. [p=makePersonList()]: I drink to forget but I always remember.
[p]: You're drinking orange juice. [p=makePersonList()]: How are you today?
[p]: Please don’t make me think about my life. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'll offer you some friendly advice-
[p]: I don't want your advice.
[p1]: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice. [p=makePersonList()]: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone.
[p]: And I need you to be less vague and weird. [p=makePersonList()]: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga on this?
[p], sighing: Fine. We're cowabunga. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*
[p]: *standing on the roof* Bless you.
[p1]: God?! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m going to hell.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Probably.
[p1]: I'll pick you up?
[p2]: *nodding* Carpool. [p=makePersonList()]: Where did you get that tomato soup?
[p]: It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved. [p=makePersonList()]: Life could be worse, [p2 = p.selectOne].
[p2]: Life could be a lot better too! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So, what are we doing?
[p]: Wasting our lives.
[p1]: I meant for lunch... [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne], you’re such a genius!
[p2]: Yes, I know. [p=makePersonList()]: I've met a lot of pricks in my time, but you, [p], are a fucking cactus. [p=makePersonList()], to [p]: Are you peanuts? Because I want to boil you alive. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: If you could guess, how many brain cells do you have?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Dorito’s cool ranch.
[p1]:
[p1]: I'm just gonna assume zero for now.
[p2]: I love that song. [p=makePersonList()]: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world.
[p]: Unless you're home alone. [p=makePersonList()]: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!?
[p], sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what. [p=makePersonList()]: I am in charge of this disaster!
[p]: I have a name, you know. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *sharpens knife* We've got ways of making people talk.
[p1]: *cuts piece of cake*
[p]: ...Can I have some?
[p1]: Cake is for talkers. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *plays shreksophone*
[p1]: Woo.
[p1]: Time to listen to this on loop for all eternity.
[p]: ...Genius coping mechanism my friend [p=makePersonList()]: ...My man [p2 = p.selectOne] just killed a goldfish.
[p2]: *licking their lips* Yup. Delicious. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Did you win? Or just not die?
[p1]: Either way, hooray.
[p]: ...Is "no" a valid answer?
[p1]: The hooray is redacted and you frighten me. [p=makePersonList()]: Ew. What kind of tea is this?
[p]: I boiled gatorade. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *is visibly upset*
[p]: [p1], what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out candyland wasn't an actual country. [p=makePersonList()]: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.
[p], eyes wide: I know what I saw. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: wHat?
[p1]: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.
[p2]: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"? [p=makePersonList()]: How the hell are you still alive?
[p]: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are. [p=makePersonList()]: You're violent.
[p]: Yeah but I'm also short and that's adorable. [p=makePersonList()]: Can you recommend a book that'll make me cry?
[p]: General Mathematics 8th Grade Edition. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *makes [p2 = p.selectOne] a cup of tea but puts salt in it*
[p2]: *sips tea*
[p1]:
[p2]: *finishes tea*
[p1]: Didn't it taste bad?
[p2]: Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.
[p1], tearing up: Oh, okay. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.
[p]: ...We're on the ground floor.
[p1]: I know but I want a dramatic exit. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'm going to take a shower, I'll be right back.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Why are you telling me this, I don't care.
[p2], right after [p1] leaves the room: I miss them already. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m a reverse necromancer.
[p]: Isn’t that just killing people?
[p1]: Ah, technically. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You want some leftovers?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What are those?
[p1]: You've never had leftovers before?
[p2]: No, ‘cause I’m not a quitter. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Pick a card, any card.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Fine.
[p1]: Wait, that's my credit card!
[p2]: You said any card. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, what’s the name of the guy who lives down the hall?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: His cats' names are Walter and Rose.
[p1]: That's not what I asked.
[p2]: That is all the information I have. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Ugh, there’s always that weak bitch in the group who isn’t down with murder.
[p1]: *glares at [p2 = p.selectOne]*
[p2]: Well, sorry I have morals! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, you want a tarot reading?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Those are Pokemon cards.
[p1]: You got a magikarp.
[p2]: ...
[p1]: It means 'fuck you'. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *running towards [p2 = p.selectOne] with open arms*
[p2]: *moves out of the way*
[p1]: Hey, why'd you move?!
[p2]: I thought you were going to attack me.
[p1]: I was going to hug you!
[p2]: Why would you hug me?
[p1]: WHY WOULD I ATTACK YOU!? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I wasn’t that drunk.
[p]: You colored my face with a highlighter because you said I was important.
[p1]: BECAUSE YOU ARE! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism.
[p]: How so?
[p1]: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Come on, [p2 = p.selectOne]! How any times do I have to apologize?
[p2]: Once!
[p1]: ...No. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Are you tall enough to play basketball though?
[p]: Are you calling me short?
[p1]: I'm calling you vertically challenged. *[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] falls over*
[p2 = p.selectOne]: [p1]! Are you alright?
[p1]: Is that you, God?
[p2]: What?
[p1]: It's just, you sound a lot more like [p2] than I expected. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *runs up to doors*
[p1]: Be careful, [p]! These doors say "Blast Danger"! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne]! I thought you were dead!
[p2]: No, just in deep cover.
[p1]: ...But it was an open casket.
[p2]: It was very deep. [p=makePersonList()], to [p]: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Here you go, [p2 = p.selectOne], a nice hot cup of coffee!
[p2]: It's cold.
[p1]: A nice cup of coffee.
[p2]: It's horrible!
[p1]: Cup of coffee.
[p2]: I'm not sure if this even IS coffee.
[p1]: C U P. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: She's the girl of my dreams!
[p]: You say every girl is the girl of your dreams.
[p1]: I have a lot of dreams. [p=makePersonList()]: Yo! I heard you like reptiles, got any fun facts?
[p]: If a crocodile eats your dad, they become your new dad. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it.
[p]: ...what happened?
[p1]: I made a VERY bad mistake. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hopefully [p2 = p.selectOne] has learned a lesson about respecting other people's feelings.
[p2]: Oh, shut up and die [p1]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You know, [p2 = p.selectOne], when you generalize, you tell general... lies.
[p2]: ...
[p2]: Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: That’s the key slice of truth we need to complete the entire truth pie.
[p]: Ooh, can we get some actual pie?
[p1]: I like the way you think. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I am 39 cheetos tall.
[p]: Why... are you measuring your height in cheetos?
[p1]: Because we're out of doritos. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey there demons, It's me, ya boi.
[p]: [p1], NO! [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne], no.
[p2]: [p2], yes. [p=makePersonList()]: What goes up but never comes down?
[p]: The amount of stress you're bringing this family. [p=makePersonList()] to [p]: We smell of sweat and loss. [p=makePersonList()]: If it pleases the court I would like to say that my opponent is TALKING SHIT!
[p]: ... [p=makePersonList()]: Would anyone know any good vendors for professional-quality brass knuckles?
[p]: I know you’re serious, but you say the scariest shit sometimes. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: There's something I have to ask about you-know-who.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Voldemort?
[p1]: No.
[p2]: Is it Voldemort?
[p1]: It's not Voldemort.
[p2]: You haven’t mentioned wizards once this conversation, so I’m gonna have to assume it’s Voldemort. [p=makePersonList()]: My goal is not to be the best, but to inspire someone enough to one day surpass me.
[p]: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT EVERY TIME YOU BEAT ME AT CONNECT FOUR! [p=makePersonList()]: That’s the longest worm I’ve ever seen.
[p]: That’s a snake. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I want a trip down memory lane.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: *proceeds to grab every warrior cats book they have and sets them in [p1]'s lap*
[p2]: I heard you needed these?
[p1]: YES! ALL OF THEM! [p=makePersonList()]: If I had a face like yours, I'd put it on a wall and throw a brick at it.
[p]: If I had a face like YOURS, I'd put it on a brick and throw a wall at it. [p=makePersonList()]: I hope they've calmed down...
[p]: Shut the fuck up you annoying ass pig. [p=makePersonList()]: Get in loser, we're going shopping.
[p]: This is a McDonald's drive thru. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I WOULD DESTROY THE WORLD FOR YOU!
[p]: Okay, can you do the dishes?
[p1]: No! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Are you a cuddler?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I'm a machine of death and destruction.
[p1]:
[p2]: ...Yeah, I'm a cuddler. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why aren’t you sleeping?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I’m too busy plotting your murder to sleep, [p1].
[p1]:
[p2]: ...The nightmares.
[p1]: *wrapping their arms around [p2]* Awwww, sweetie- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne]... you've been cuddling with me for over and hour now.
[p2]: *muffled* mm hmmm :)
[p1]: Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I can't believe you've done this.....
[p]: I'm sorry I didn't know-!
[p1], on the verge of tears: YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: There's nothing to do....
[p]: You can wash the dishes you promised to wash about a week ago.
[p1]: *pulls out their phone* Nevermind. *[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] and [p2 = p.selectOne]'s house is on fire, but they don't know it*
[p1]: Damn, it's hot in here.
[p2]: I know, it's so hot there's smoke coming out of the vent!
[p1]:
[p1]: First of all, I'm assuming you have no idea what the problem with that statement is.
[p2]: What?
[p1]: Second of all, we need to get the fuck out of here, NOW. [p=makePersonList()], having recently lost their glasses: KILL THE BUG!!!
[p]: ....That’s a gecko— [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So you're looking for information on this thing, huh? Well, I feel like it must be from far away.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What makes you say that?
[p1]: If it's something even I don't know about, then I'm sure nobody else must have a clue. So it's gotta be from some faraway place. Impeccable reasoning, isn't it?
[p2]: [p1]... You don't have a clue about this thing, do you?
[p1]: *screams in anger* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] on stage: Everyone's talking 'bout climate change,but when is [p2 = p.selectOne] gonna start talking 'bout some underwear change? Am I right ladies?
Crowd of People: *cheers*
[p1]: *pulls out a gun and shoots [p2] until they run out of bullets*
[p1]: *reloads, then shoots [p2] until they run out of bullets*
[p1]: *looks into camera after a brief pause* Who killed [p2]? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I have very high standards, you know.
[p]: I can make spaghetti...
[p1]: Oh no! You're meeting all my standards! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'm very scary.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: You're about as scary as a wet kitten.
[p1]: Wet kittens are cute, at least I've got that going for me.
[p2]: And small.
[p1]:
[p1]: ...Yeah, yeah. I guess. [p=makePersonList()]: Is it just me or is instant ramen even better uncooked?
[p]: It’s just you. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Remember everyone, violence is never the answer.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: You're right, [p1].. Violence can't be the answer.
[p1]: Correct, [p2]. Now, on to the next lesso-
[p2]: Violence is the question.
[p2]: And the answer is yes!
[p1]: [p2], no!! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined.
[p]: Heck.
[p1]: You're on thin fucking ice.
[p1]: Oh no- [p=makePersonList()]: Uptown Funk would've made it into the Shrek Soundtrack.
[p]: That's the truest statement I've ever heard. [p=makePersonList()]: Shut up, you’re messing with my train of thought!
[p]: I thought you didn’t have a brain and now you say you have thoughts? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey!
[p]: But I'm a vegan.
[p1]: Wakey Wakey Vegetables and Sadness. [p=makePersonList()]: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants more advanced than us.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this:
[p2]: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately." [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Just be careful, [p2 = p.selectOne]!
[p2]: *heading out the door* I'm always careful, [p1]!
[p2]: It's everything around me that's careless. [p=makePersonList()]: I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.
[p]: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So uh, for this party and everything, do you, uh...
[p], sighing: You don't know how to dress for this, do you?
[p1], panicked: WHAT IS CLOTHES??? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey besties-
[p]: Die.
[p1]: What did I do to you- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-
[p]: You sleep with a teddybear.
[p1]: He’s my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'd roast you, but my mom says you can't burn trash.
[p1]: *slow-mo walks out of the room* [p=makePersonList()]: I love you.
[p]: Me too. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], texting [p2 = p.selectOne]: Hey do you like anyone?
[p2]: Yeah you
[p1]: Oh, I'm sorry we're just friends
[p2]: *Yeah, you?
[p2]: Oh haha sorry lol
[p1]: *dies inside* [p=makePersonList()]: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing their name to [p]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: And what do I get out of this?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I will give you a dollar.
[p1]: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a dollar!
[p2]: How bout two dollars?
[p1]: You got yourself a deal. [p=makePersonList()]: Why's it called an oven when you of in the cold food and you of out hot eat the food?
[p]: ...What??? [p=makePersonList()]: I’m sad.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das.
[p2]: And das not good. [p=makePersonList()]: Watcha got there..?
[p]: *petting a ostrich* A smoothie. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], holding a fork: You know your talking a lot of shit for someone who has 2 perfectly good eyeballs each cost about $16,000 on the blackmarket.
[p]: ....
[p1]: *lip smack* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why should I make my bed, when I'm just gunna unmake it to sleep in it anyways?
[p]: Why should I feed you if your just gunna die anyways?
[p1]:
[p1]: I'll go make my bed- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey [p2 = p.selectOne]?
[p2]: Yeah?
[p1]: What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?
[p2]:
[p2]: ...What. [p=makePersonList()]: I think this might be a bad idea...
[p]: Don't start thinking on me now! [p=makePersonList()]: Where are you going?
[p]: Hell, eventually. [p=makePersonList()]: Happy Scorpio season. If you have to burn a bridge, do it safely!
[p]: With NAPALM. [p1]: I baked you a pie!
[p2]: Really?! What flavor?
[p1]: *pulls gun out of the pie* DEATH! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why are you doing this?
[p]: Same reason I do everything, [p1]. To get somebody to like me. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Yeah, I don’t like people.
[p]: Oh, well now that’s not fair [p1]. Have you met all of them?
[p1]: I’ve met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards! [p=makePersonList()]: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.
[p]: *laughs* Book recommendation? I can’t read! [p=makePersonList()]: Can I have a private talk with you?
[p]: Okay, as long as it’s not about tampons because I just don’t understand them. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sibling and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin [p1].
[p]: But you're [p1].
[p1]: Kinda stuck. It’s a long story. [p=makePersonList()]: Big day today, [p2 = p.selectOne]. *holds up two shirts* Mustard stain or ketchup stain?
[p2]: Mustard– looks less like blood. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Wow, that was quick thinking on that phony sacrifice stuff.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Oh, that was all real.
[p1]: Wait, you were trying to help them kill us?!
[p2]: If I’m gonna be sacrificed, I’m gonna do it right. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: We’ll find another route, it’s not safe for amateur adventurers.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: That sounds like a challenge.
[p1]: I have to stress, that is not a challenge.
[p2]: ...Is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted!
[p1]: There is no challenge! [p=makePersonList()]: Don’t stay up all night, [p]. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?
[p2]: Raise the dead.
[p1]: And what did you do?
[p2]: Raise the dead. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m so excited!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: We’re gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy...
[p1]: And have the biggest stomach aches ever!
[p2]: Yeah! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne] is not a morning person. Or a night person. There’s really only about seven minutes a day you are fun to be around.
[p2]: The best part is you never know when they’re coming. [p=makePersonList()]: If you really want to get back at a man, scare him with a pregnancy test. I’ve got a whole box of old positives at my house.
[p]: You’re an American treasure. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Something’s off.
[p]: Maybe you’ve finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.
[p1]: No, but that’s funny. [p=makePersonList()]: I thought I told you to stop reading my emails.
[p]: Well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Ow!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What’s wrong?
[p1]: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
[p2]: It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four. [p=makePersonList()]: Would you like your pizza cut into six or eight slices, [p2 = p.selectOne]?
[p2]: Oh just six, I don’t think I could eat eight. [p=makePersonList()]: If we lose, you’re out of the will.
[p]: I was in the will? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *pulls back the curtain while [p] is showering*
[p1]: Hey did we - stop screaming it’s me - did we run out of Cheerios? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], is that my mug you’re drinking out of?
[p2]: No, it’s mine.
[p1]: It... looks just like the one I have...
[p2]: You don’t have one like this anymore. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *slams books down in front of [p2 = p.selectOne]*
[p1]: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It’s gonna be a long night.
[p2]: You could of said literally anything else.
[p1]: Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble.
[p2]: I’m going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won’t win. I realize this now. // Quotes requiring three names, BK3 tripleQuotes shipping //three name quotes with shipping, BK3S nsfw //BK3S-NSFW [p1]: Thank you all for coming.
[p2], wearing a hospital gown: When I heard you couldn't get laid, I dropped everything and came straight here.
[p1]: Well, I couldn't imagine anyone else being part of the "Fuck A Task Force".
[p3]: Yeah, I interpreted that in a different way. [p1]: Sorry, I'm late to the party. I've been doing things.
[p2], entering in an unbuttoned shirt: I got caught up doing things too.
[p3]: Wow, [p1] was late too! What a coincidence! [p1]: Is there a cactus where your heart should be?
[p2]: What’s up your ass this morning!
[p3]: *walks in* ...Hey.
[p2]: Hmm… nevermind.
[p1]: WAIT NO! [p=makePersonList()], bursting into the room: You two are having sex!
[p], not looking up from their book: Really? [p], why didn’t you tell me? I would have put my book down. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why do you let me win when we race up the stairs? You’re the faster one.
[p]: Erm... it’s nice see your smile when you win!
*later*
[p1]: They're probably just staring at my ass, aren't they.
[p]: Yeah, probably. [p=makePersonList()]: Hi, sorry I’m late. I was doing a couple of things and got distracted.
[p]: I’m “a couple of things”.
[p]: I’m “got distracted”. [p=makePersonList()]: Who do we know that has handcuffs?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Well [p3 = p.selectOne] and I-
[p3]: *elbows [p2]*
[p2]: ...wouldn't know. [p1]: [p2] doesn’t deserve you.
[p1]: If they don't treat you right by now, you're gone.
[p3]: I'm gone.
[p1]: Now go chop their dick off. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: sapnu puaS.
[p]: What??
[p]: What language is that.
[p1]: Turn your phone 180 degrees.
*[p1] was removed from the groupchat* [p=makePersonList()], looking through their clothes: Has anyone seen my top?
[p]: [p]'s in the kitchen. [p1]: I like your top, [p2]!
[p3]: I have a name, you know.
[p2]: *sighs* Why. Why are you like this. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *is wearing silk pants* How does this look?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Like its slips on and off really easily.
[p1]:
[p2]: No, I didn't mean it like that-
[p]: We know what you meant. [p=makePersonList()]: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way?
[p]: Excuse me Mx. Would you give me the honours of indulging in sexual activities with you?
[p]: What the fuck is wrong with you two? [p=makePersonList()]: When I was married, you know what [p] often said to me?
[p]: Please stop sleeping with other people? sfw //BK3S-SFW [p1]: What have you done with [p2]?
[p3]: Nothing. Why, do you think I should? [p1]: *Holds a sign that says "Prom?" outside [p3]'s window*
[p1]: OH my God, Yes!
[p2]: *Yelling up* No, tell [p3]!
[p1]: [p3]! I'm going to prom with your lover! [p1]: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like [p2] a little bit.
[p3], holding [p1]'s notepad: You doodled your wedding invitation.
[p1]: No, that's our joint tombstone.
[p3]: My mistake. [p1]: [p2] and I got married!!
[p3]: Don't share your personal problems with everyone. [p1]: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box.
[p2]: Did [p3] say 'I love you' and you said 'Thanks'?
[p1]: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL– [p1]: How do you know how to kiss? Like who teaches you?
[p2]: Well it’s actually a class, but unfortunately it’s full right now.
[p2]: Would you like me to tutor you?
[p3]: That was smooth. [p1]: You don't need my blessing to go kiss [p3]. In fact, I was pretty sure you were already kissing [p3]!
[p2]: Nope.
[p1]: In that case, as the archbishop of [p2]'s fully awakened gaydom, I give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible! Go now, my child, and kiss [p3] right on the lips!!! [p1]: Did you take out [p2] as I requested?
[p3]: [p2] has been taken out, yes.
[p1]: You have my grat-
[p3]: It was a great restaurant.
[p3]: We had a romantic candlelit dinner.
[p3]: [p2] proposed afterwards- we’re filing the wedding papers. [p1]: It's pretty cold outside.. wanna hold hands? We should stay close.
[p2], blushing: Okay.
[p3]: It's fucking summer. [p1]: Hi.
[p2]: Hey, did you do what I said? Did you tell them?
[p1]: I did.
[p2]: And what did they say?
[p1]: “Thank you.”
[p2]: You’re totally welcome. What’d they say?
[p1]: They said, “Thank you.” I said “I love you” and [p3] said, “Thank you.” [p1]: Are you a painting?
[p2]: What-?
[p1]: Because I want to pin you to a wall.
[p3]: OH GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY YOU WANTED TO HANG THEM OR SOMETHING- [p1]: I’ve never asked someone out. How do you even do it?
[p2]: Oh, what I do is, I look them up and down and I say: “Hey… how you doin’?”
[p3], scoffing: Oh, please.
[p2], to [p3]: Hey, how you doin’?
[p3]:
[p3]: *giggles and blushes* [p1]: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with [p3] recently.
[p2]: No, [p1], it's not what it looks like, I swear.
[p1]: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?
[p2]: No! You’re the only one for me.
[p1]: Is that so?
[p2]: I promise! [p3] and I are just dating, okay? They’re my partner.
[p1]: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?
[p2]: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more!
[p1]: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right?
[p2]: Of course bro!
[p1]: Bro...
[p3]: What the- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Where are you going?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!
[p1]: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!
[p], knowing full well that [p1] got [p2] an engagement ring: *eating popcorn* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I asked [p] out.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Oh, I’m sorry.
[p1]: Why?
[p3]: Well, I assume they said no.
[p1]: No, they said yes.
[p3]: Really? Then I’m sorry for them. [p=makePersonList()]: Ooh, somebody has a crush
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on [p] I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about them.
*Later that night*
[p2], very much awake: Uh oh. [p=makePersonList()], holding a rock: [p] just gave this to me and said "I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock".
[p]: If you don't marry them, I will. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do you mind if I slyly mention that you’re single?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Do not do that.
[p1]: You won’t even notice!
[p], entering: [p1], you wanted to see me again?
[p1]: [p2]'s single
[p2]: [p=makePersonList()], walking into [p2 = p.selectOne] and [p3 = p.selectOne]’s bedroom in the middle of the night: I had a bad dream.
[p2]: What was it about?
[p3]: No, don’t ask them that!
[p2]: Why not?
[p3]: Cause they’ll answer! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So, what is [p2 = p.selectOne] to you?
[p3 = p.selectOne]: The reason I wake up every morning.
[p1]: ...That’s adorable.
[p2] earlier that morning, barging into [p3]′s room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!! [p=makePersonList()]: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.
*[p] walks in*
[p2]: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know. [p=makePersonList()]: Is there anyone here who’s actually straight?
[p]: *raises hand*
[p]: *puts their hand down* [p=makePersonList()], at an awards show: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank [p], the love of my life, for telling me [p] was going to win so don’t bother to prepare a speech. *[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] is telling a story*
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Wow, [p1], this story has everything! Action! Adventure! Romance!
[p]: Romance?
[p2]: I have a crush on them. [p=makePersonList()]: Hey, [p2 = p.selectOne]? Can I get some dating advice?
[p2]: Just because I'm with [p] doesn't mean I know how I did it. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: There's no way they like me back.
[p]: [p3 = p.selectOne] would throw themself in front of a moving car for you.
[p1]: [p3] would throw themself in front of a moving car for fun. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Two years ago, I married my best friend.
[p1]: [p] is still mad about it, but me and [p] were drunk and thought it was funny. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, [p2 = p.selectOne], are you free on Friday? Like around eight?
[p2]: Yeah.
[p1]: And you, [p3 = p.selectOne]?
[p3]: Umm... yes?
[p1]: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!
[p3]: Did they just- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Did [p] just tell me they loved me for the first time?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Yeah, they did.
[p1]: And did I just do finger guns back?
[p2]: Yeah, you did. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: That shirt looks great, [p2 = p.selectOne].
[p2]: Thanks.
[p1]: But I bet it would look even better on [p3 = p.selectOne]'s floor.
[p3]: Are you hitting on [p2]... for me? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I didn't drink that much last night.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: You were flirting with [p].
[p1]: So what? They're my partner.
[p2]: You asked if they were single.
[p2]: And then you cried when they said they weren't. [p=makePersonList()]: I find it very unseemly of [p] to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years?
[p]: Die. Let's find out. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So are you gonna explain how the hell you crashed my car?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Well we were driving and there was a deer in the road, so I said "[p3 = p.selectOne], deer!"
[p1]: ...And what did [p3] do?
[p2]: ...They said "Yes, Honey?" [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: If I say I love you, will you say it back?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Yes.
[p1]: I love you.
[p2]: It back.
*Later*
[p]: Why is [p1] crying face-down on the floor? [p=makePersonList()]: But what about [p]? They were my SOULMATE!
[p]: You said that about a ball of yarn once! [p=makePersonList()], at [p]: Would you like to stay for dinner?
[p], from the kitchen: Would you like to stay forever!?! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: H-how do you ask someone out?
[p]: Well, first-
[p]: Don't ask them, they asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.
[p1]: ...And you said yes? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.
[p]: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.
[p1]: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall.
[p3 = p.selectOne], on a walkie talkie: This is [p3], those idiots are fucking around in the East wing again. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Well, remember when [p] made a romantic dinner for me?
[p]: [p1], they microwaved you a pizza. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why doesn’t [p] find me sexy when I bite my lip?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What do you look like when you bite your lip?
[p1]: *bites lip*
[p2]: ...Have you considered biting your bottom lip instead? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: And now for a gay update with [p] and [p3 = p.selectOne].
[p2]: Getting gayer.
[p1]: Thank you, [p2]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So, are you two dating now?
[p2 = p.selectOne] & [p3 = p.selectOne]: Yes.
[p1]: Why?
[p2]: I happen to find [p3] very appealing.
[p1]: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with [p3]. *playing twister*
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Right hand red.
[p]: *ends up on top of [p3 = p.selectOne]*
[p3]: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
[p1]: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So how’s the food [p2 = p.selectOne] made?
[p]: It's great! Compliments to them.
[p1]: *goes to the kitchen*
[p1]: You're adorable.
[p2]: *blushes* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *yawns*
[p]: Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.
[p1]: Then you must be exhuasted.
[p]: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m this close to falling in love with [p].
[p]: Your fingertips are touching.
[p1]: Exactly. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p] annoyed me today so I told them that I can’t wait to see what they have planned for our special day tomorrow.
[p]: There is nothing special about tomorrow.
[p1]: But there is something special about watching the color leave their face as panic takes over. [p=makePersonList()]: ....Thou shalt not marry each other, for thy art both sinful...
[p]: I just wanna fucking marry [p]!! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Pfft, you should meet [p], they're such a tsundere.
[p]: They... they just stabbed you.
[p1]: So cute. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Is this your plan B?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Technically, this is plan P.
[p1]: Plan P? Is there a plan M?
[p2]: Yes, but I marry [p3 = p.selectOne] in plan M.
[p3]: I like plan M. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?
[p]: We're chopsticks!
[p1]: Well... that's cute!
[p1]: Does that mean you two snuggle together perfectly?
[p]: No, it means that if you take the other away, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I know you love them.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I am not in love with [p]!
[p1], staring at [p2]: I never said who...
[p2]: *realizes*
[p2]: Shit. Well, anyways- [p1]: *finds a note* Hmm, whats this?
[p2]: Hey, that's mine! *tries to grab it*
[p1]: Aww, it's a love note for [p3]?
[p2]: No-
[p1]: *opens it*
[p1]:
[p2]:
[p1]: I can't read this. [p=makePersonList(), p2 = p.selectOne]: Guys, my friend here is bilingual.
[p1 = p.selectOne]: Yes.
[p2]: Which means they like both boys and girls.
[p1]: Ye- wait, what-
[p3 = p.selectOne]: [p2], that's not what bilingual means-
[p2]: Shhh, it's okay [p1]. I still love you, man.
[p1] & [p3]: ...
[p2]: bUT NOT LIKE THAT- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: This totally sucks, man.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: This is horrible.
[p1]: Yeah, I know, I mean look at today’s news.
[p2]: No, it’s not that, it’s [p].
[p2]: It’s just like, I can’t get them out of my head and every time I look at them I have this pains in my chest, and I just know it’s their fault, that bitch! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne] you can’t move in with [p].
[p2]: Why not?
[p1]: Well, um, how are you going to feel when they see you without any makeup?
[p2]: I’m not wearing makeup right now.
[p1]: Holy crap, you’re beautiful. nonshipping //three name quotes without shipping, BK3NS nsfw //BK3NS-NSFW [p1]: I'm gonna eat the chicken breasts!
[p2], snickering: Yeah, eat what you lack.
[p3], deadpanning at [p2]: Then maybe I should order brains on delivery for you. [p1]: What did [p2] do this time?
[p3]: More like WHO did [p2] do this time? [p=makePersonList()]: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming?
[p]: Can everyone in this godforsaken group please learn the skill called "Think Before You Speak"?
[p]: Ya know... it might be. [p=makePersonList()]: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I’d just be excited to have a bunk bed.
[p2 = p.selectOne]:
[p2]: I'm gonna tell them.
[p]: Don't you dare. sfw //BK3NS-SFW [p1]: I will find us a covered wagon and horses.
[p1]: If you two can manage to not kill each other while I'm gone.
[p2]: Oh, please. We're not children.
*[p1] leaves*
[p2], casually: ...Eat shit and die.
[p3], also casually: Yes, fuck you. [p1], to [p2]: Look at you! All cute and small! I could just eat you up!
[p2]: *proceeds to kick them in the shin and run away*
[p3], walking past: Rule number 1, don't call [p2] cute or small. [p1]: Say no to drugs.
[p2]: Say yes to drugs.
[p3]: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs. If you're talking to drugs.. then you're on drugs. [p1]: You ever see something that changes your life and you're just like "huh.."
[p2]: I saw you.
[p1]: Honestly that's so cute and sweet but it kinda makes this awkward because I was gonna show you a picture of [p3] in a turkey costume. [p1]: Something tells me [p2]'s going to be a bit more unhinged today...
[p2], holding a lit match and a bag of cheetos: Leave me be, [p3] isn't home to stop me, I'm going feral. [p1]: All in all, a 100% successful trip.
[p2]: But we lost [p3].
[p1]: All in all, a 100% successful trip! [p1], in [p2]’s window: I thought I’d find you here!
[p3], climbing past [p1]: WE COULD HAVE USED THE DOOR- [p1]: Regular soda is too sweet!
[p2]: Diet soda has a weird after taste!
[p1]: No! Ugh, oh my god. Diet soda is THE BEST! It doesn't have sugar! It's SPICY!
[p2]: It has other weird stuff in it! I'll take REGULAR sugar in my REGULAR soda!
[p1]: It's SO SWEET like it's a dessert though! Diet feels more like a drink!
[p2]: I'm going to physically attack you.
[p1]: Which is better, [p3]?
[p3]: Oh, I usually drink water!
[p2]: Wha- NO!
[p1]: DISGUSTING! [p1], when [p2] walks in: Oh, hey, I'm just making pizza.
[p1]: *accidentally smacks [p3] in the face with the baking sheet* *Casually in the Middle of a High Stakes/Dangerous Situation*
[p1]: How do you eat pickles?
[p2]: What do you mean?
[p1]: I mean, there's a whole process. It's not like you can grab them from the jar with your hand, because it's cold and the juice burns if you have a cut, plus, it's pretty unsanitary. And you can't use a spoon because you'll have to scoop it out, and it'll be way too difficult to grab more than three or four without taking 10 minutes along with half the brine in the jar, even if it's one with holes.
[p2]: Yeah, that's why you use a fork.
[p1]: Okay, sure, but what if you don't have one of the big ones clean? It's weird to use a small one. But there is always one of those smaller sharp knives clean.
[p2]: But the straight edge doesn't really fit the cylindrical shape, and you have to make sure you don' t break it, it's too much work.
[p1]: It makes me feel like I deserve the pickles though. Like, "Yeah, I did it. That's right. Good job me." It's empowering. But even after that, it's not like you can use a bowl.
[p2]: I get that, it's not ascetically pleasing.
[p1]: Exactly! And it looks weird if you don't entirely fill the bowl, but you also can't eat that many. My solution: Use a mug.
[p2]: *Nods in agreement*
[p3]: That is all very interesting, BUT WE'RE TRYING NOT TO DIE RIGHT NOW! USE YOUR LIMITED ATTENTION SPANS AND FOCUS!
[p1]: Jeez, okay.
[p2]: Quit yelling at us already. [p1]: So, are you two friends?
[p2]: Yes.
[p3]: No. [p1]: What happened to [p2]?
[p3]: They died.
[p1]: They what?
[p3]: They died, but they’re okay.
[p1]: …Can you please clarify?
[p2]: Clarification is for the weak. [p1]: Please pray for [p2].
[p3]: What happened to them?
[p1]: Nothing, they’re just very stupid. [p1]: Any advice before [p2] and I fight?
[p3]: Don’t wet yourself in public.
[p1]: Not the kind of advice I was looking for! [p1], washing the dishes: Who the fuck used this pan??
[p1]: Wait. I the fuck used this pan…
[p2]: It was you the fuck.
[p1]: It was I the fuck…
[p3]: Who cooks rice in a pan?
[p2]: They the fuck. [p1]: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk?
[p2]: The final boss.
[p3]: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right?
[p1]: I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer! [p1]: There's beer in the cooler.
[p2]: What about for the children?
[p1]: You can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the beer.
[p3]: Why don't we just give the kids water?
[p1], angrily: I suppose you could do that! [p2], to [p3]: If [p1] doesn't say "I'm King of the world" within an hour on that boat, I will give you my next pay check.
[p1], within 5 minutes of getting on the boat: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!! [p1]: Why don't I like this person?
[p2]: I don't know. Maybe it's because they keep stealing your thunder.
[p1]: Maybe it's because their name is "[p3]". Don't you find that utterly ridiculous?
[p2]: No.
[p1]: That's because your name is "[p2]". [p1]: Can we talk about that mass email you sent?
[p2]: Why? It was important.
[p1]: All it says is, "I'm back on my shit".
[p3], shrugging: The people need to know. [p1]: Why does everyone want to kill [p3]?
[p2]: Because, goddamnit, have you seen them? Their neck looks so snappable. [p1], to [p2]: If you see [p3], give them this message *makes a neutral face*
[p1]: They'll know what it means.
*later*
[p2]: oh, and [p1] said to give you a message.
[p2]: *makes a neutral face*
[p3]: Oh no. The neutral face of displeasure. [p1]: [p2] won’t come out of their room!
[p3]: Just tell them I said something.
[p1]: Like what?
[p3]: Anything factually incorrect.
[p1], shrugging: If you say so.
[p2], arriving moments later: Did you just say the sun is a PLANET? [p1]: What did you two do?
[p2]:
[p3]:
[p1]: You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not. [p1]: We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.
[p2]: Scrabble? Scrabble’s great.
[p1]: Not when you’re playing with [p3], it’s not. They put words like “ephemeral” and I put “dog.” [p1]: What are you two arguing about this time?
[p2]: They’re always using common phrases incorrectly!
[p3]: Cry me a table, [p2]. [p1]: So what, now I’m just supposed to do everything that [p2] does? What if they jump off a cliff?
[p3]: If [p2] were to jump off a cliff, they would have done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry. So yes, if you see [p2] jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
[p1]: You jump off a cliff.
[p3]: Gladly, provided [p2] did first. [p1]: [p2] is off at an appointment, so while they’re gone, I’m going to cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.
[p3]: Why?
[p1]: They’re like 90% of my impulse control. [p1]: They can't make me admit France exists, right? Legally, that's not allowed.
[p1]: Sure, if France was REAL I'd say I liked it.
[p1]: But who's to say.
[p2]: I think France isn't real.
[p3]: [p2], you've been to France.
[p2]: And??? [p1]: I think I did fairly well on my anatomy quiz! :)
[p2]: I forgot I was doing a test.
[p1]: [p2].
[p2]: I said the vertebrae was the back stick because I thought it was funny....
[p3]: [p2]. [p1]: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.
[p2]: What's wrong with you??
[p1]: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.
[p3]: No, they mean other than that.
[p1]: Ohhhhhh.
[p1]: I haven't slept in 4 days. [p1], reading a recipe: Beat three eggs?
[p2]: It means like in hand-to-hand combat.
[p1]: Ohhhh-
[p3]: Both of you get out of this kitchen. [p1], grinning: Before you were what?
[p2]: Before I was-
[p1]: What?
[p2]: Before I was inter-
[p1]: Before you were interrupted?
[p2]: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll-
[p1]: What?
[p2]: *makes frustrated sound*
[p3], nervously: Stop that. Before they hurt you. [p1]: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off?
[p2]: What? No, I—
[p3]: *enters room*
[p1]: *jaw clenches* [p1]: When [p2] was born, the gods said, "They're too perfect for this world."
[p3]: Please. When they were born, the devil said, "Oh, competition." [p1]: I hate you sometimes.
[p2]: Well according to this picture [p3] drew of us holding hands that's not true.
[p1]: [p2], you drew that.
[p2]: It doesn't matter. [p1]: Look at the buns on that guy!
[p2]: *lying on the floor, covered in hamburger buns*
[p3]: This is the comedy police! The joke's too funny!
[p1]: I'm not going back to jail! [p1]: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment, please?!
[p2]: Alright.
[p3]: Hey, I-
[p1]: SHUT UP!
[p3]: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!!
[p2]: It was bound to be stupid. *[p1] teaching [p2] to drive and taking [p3] along for the ride*
[p1]: That's a pothole. To the left!
[p2]: Take it back now y'all *Drives into pothole*
[p3], sticking their face into the front over the center console: Cha Cha real smooth.
[p2]: I don't think that's how the song goes.
[p1], crying and gripping the handle: Please just take me home.
[p2]: Country Roads.
[p3]: To the place.
[p2] and [p3] in unison: I Belong!
[p1], crying harder: What the fuck? [p1]: Do you feel any better?
[p2]: I feel much better now that you here with me.
*[p3] walks in*
[p2]: I feel half better. [p1]: Yesterday, I overheard [p2] saying “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and [p3] replying “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life. [p1]: Adulting is hard.
[p1]: How do I quit?
[p2]: Time travel.
[p3]: Die. [p1]: [p2] said its my turn with the brain cell.
[p3]: Square up. [p1]: Hey, [p2] you're smart, tell me what would happen if I chugged 3 gallons of chloroform.
[p2]: Have you ever been to a mortuary?
[p1]: Yea, my grandma lives there.
[p3]: That is the worst response to that question. [p1]: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life.
[p2]: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?
[p1]: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.
[p3]: Edible. [p1], in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
[p2], in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids.
[p3]: What the fuck are you guys doing?
[p1]: Playing systemic oppression. [p1]: Hey, what are you reading?
[p2]: This is my magic book where any ink spilled shows a scripture of the future, however it bears a curse making it broken, and as such in order to make any scripture appears, I have to do it myself.
[p1]: Impressive! I must have it for myself!
[p3]: So it’s just a Notebook?
[p2]: It’s just a Notebook. [p1]: *looks at [p2]*
[p1]: Baby boy. Baby.
[p1]: *looks at [p3]*
[p1]: Evil. *[p1] recording whilst [p2] and [p3] are arguing*
[p2]: HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP!! HER SISTER WAS A WITCH, RIGHT? AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER? A PRINCESS! THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST, BRO!
[p1]: *wheezes like a tea kettle*
[p3], pulling out a knife: I'm gonna stab them.
[p2]: YOU'RE GONNA LOOK AT ME AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG? AM I WRONG?
[p3]: It's my favorite movi-
[p2]: SHE WORE A CROWN AND SHE CAME DOWN IN A BUBBLE, [p3.upperCase]!
[p3]: I'm not fighting with you, I'm not fighting with y-
[p2]: GROW UP, BRO. GROW UP! [p1]: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?
[p2]: I'm a knife.
[p3], from across the room: They're the little spoon. [p1]: I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of [p2].
[p3]: You just said it again.
[p2]
[p1]: I am not a role model. [p1]: How do you do that?
[p2]: I'm fearless.
[p3]: I saw you run from bees yesterday. You flailed around and tripped over a chair. It was both hysterical and sad.
[p2]: I'm mostly fearless. [p1]: God, I love [p2].
[p3]: Yeah, you fucking better. [p1]: I don't like bugs. [p2], are you even listening to me?
[p2]: I seem to have misplaced my ant farm.
[p1], at [p3]: MOOOOOM! [p1]: I really like Eminem.
[p2]: I prefer skittles.
[p3]: They are talking about the rapper.
[p2]: Why would they eat the wrapper? [p1]: What, in the name of sanity, have you got on your head?
[p2]: It's a fez, I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool.
[p3]: *snatches the fez, throws it in the air*
[p1]: *shoots it* [p1]: I honestly feel like some of our conversations here are almost word-for-word accurate to the generator.
[p2]: Yup.
[p3]: Maybe the generator is watching us.
[p1]: Wouldn't that imply this conversation will be added?
[p1]: ...
[p1]: Wait— [p1]: Hello all, it is I, your favorite person.
[p2]: Actually, [p3] is my favourite.
[p1]: Okay then, it is I, that bitch. [p1]: You have to apologize to [p2]!
[p3]: Fine!
[p3]: Unfuck you, or whatever! [p1]: HELP! I TOLD [p2.upperCase] I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!
[p3], pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help? [p1], watching [p2] do something stupid: [p3], you're officially only the second highest risk here.
[p3]: Hell yeah! I'm gonna—
[p1]: Don't finish that sentence, you'll move back up. [p1], about [p2]: They're covered in blood again. Why is it they're always covered in blood?
[p3]: Well, it looks like it's their own blood this time. [p1]: How is spring not everyone’s favorite season? The trees are PINK, guys!
[p2]: Allergies are also a problem, y'know.
[p1]: But pink.
[p3]: And it's hot.
[p1]: PINK! [p1]: We've got to find a way to cut down our expenses. What can we live without?
[p2]: [p3], probably. [p1]: I can be your partner for the next race.
[p2]: Sorry, [p1]. It's a sibling race.
[p3]: Maybe there's a contest for lonely children after this.
[p2]: It's only children, [p2]. A lonely child is what you're gonna be when I sell you! [p1], watching power lines fall down: [p2], [p3]! The town is exploding and it's very pretty! [p1]: I saw you fall, saw the sinners lay on your corpses...
[p2]: Hey, what’s up with [p1]?
[p1]: I created you, made the pieces perfect, others marveled at your beauty… their gazes may have held envy, though, for none are perfect but you. I was only looking away for a moment, but you were gone. I had failed you. And I fell into despair. The only way to save myself was to create, but I knew… this time I knew I was only making you to die. And I apologize. For I will undoubtedly fail you again. For a short time, there will be peace and beauty, but none in the face of us shall lay undisturbed. The greatest have fallen, and will continue to fall, and I weep for you for being born unto this place, where brother eats brother, and the undeserving rise to fame. Those that have gone against you know they’ve wronged you, and they will stand before the creator, knowing they have sinned. Do not worry, little ones, you will be avenged.
[p3]: ...They made some rock towers and went somewhere else for twenty minutes and when they came back the rock towers were destroyed and people were sitting where the towers once were, so they were sad and made more rock towers.
[p3], to [p1]: Hey, who even is the creator? I thought you were an atheist!
[p1]: SHUT THE HELL UP, [p3.upperCase]! I’M TRYING TO BE DRAMATIC AND MYSTERIOUS! [p1]: What is everyone for Halloween?
[p2]: I’m superman.
[p3]: A clown.
[p1]: So I’m guessing we don’t need to get you a costume then? [p1]: We need to open this locked door. [p2], give me your credit card.
[p2]: Here.
[p1], pocketing it: Thanks. [p3], break down the door. [p1]: Guys, [p2] is missing.
[p3]: Good. [p1]: And here we see [p2] and [p3] in their natural habitat. Texting eachother variations of the word "garlic bread" to try to make eachother laugh.
[p2]: Gaelic bread.
[p3]: Grueling brad.
[p2]: Ha ha, glamorous beans. [p1]: I need 28 lightbulbs for 28 ducks.
[p2]: Ducks can’t eat lightbulbs?
[p3]: I think that’s the point.
[p1]: Exactly. I want my ducks to glow so I can find them. *[p1] dies in a game with ships*
[p2]: This ship is no longer a ship of love, it's a ship of vengeance, a gavel of justice against all that is wrong in the world, showing no mercy, as no mercy was shown to us.
[p2]: The spark of love will now fuel the fires of destructive glory as I wage my war across the world with righteous fury.
[p3]: Legend has it that [p1] still haunts the ship, stealing my fucking drinks.
[p1]: Of course I do. [p1]: I like to think of myself as a semi responsible adult here.
[p3]: [p2] is 70% of your impulse control and you know this [p1].
[p2]: I feel like [p1] is the more responsible one of us two though.
[p1]: We are both 70% of each others' impulse control.
[p2]: Just two lil beasts in pinwheel hats spinning on the merry-go-round at dangerous velocities, holding each other’s hands so the other doesn’t fall off. [p1]: You're pathetic!
[p2]: You're pathetic-er!
[p3]: You're both losers. [p1]: Bet you can’t eat 15 crayons!
[p2]: Bet you I can!
[p3]: *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper* [p1]: Define “dream”.
[p2]: Dream - the first thing people abandon when they learn how the world works.
[p3]: That’s too dark! [p1]: I’m afraid of clowns. There, I said it.
[p2]: [p1], if you don't like clowns, why are you hanging with [p3]? [p1]: Go ahead, [p2]. Let it out, cry. If you don't, your tear ducts will get blocked up, and then when you get old, you won't be able to cry.
[p3]: Just when we thought it was safe to let you back into the conversation. [p1]: [p2], those tarot card readers know what they're doing! Think of [p3], they're so smart!
[p2]: Those are suggestions! They're not-
[p1]: [p3] knew things, [p3] knew things!
[p2]: I don't think tarot cards told them that, though! I think if you just shotgun blast things into the air, saying you think you know things, then you're bound to hit one of them!
[p1]: I don't like thinking about it like that. They're just brilliant.
[p2]: Well, they are brilliant! But-
[p1]: And they saw into the future, and they're basically a god.
[p2]: ...
[p2]: They aren't. [p1], trying to impress [p2]: I re-initialized the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities but deleting the supplementary preference architecture.
[p3]: They turned it off and back on again. [p1]: It’s funny how well you and [p3] get along. Didn’t they hate you at first?
[p2]: [p3] hates everybody at first. It’s their way of reaching out to people. [p1]: Have you done this before?
[p2]: Well, [p1], it's like if you read the script you come better prepared.
[p3]: That's not what we do in the US, we don't read things.
[p1]: I don't read, [p2]. [p1]: [p2] isn't talking to me.
[p3]: Enjoy it while it lasts. [p1], texting group chat: What flavour of ice cream do you guys want? I’m at the store so be quick!
[p2]: Moose Tracks is good!
[p3]: What the fuck is that!?
[p2]: *Gasp* How dare you insult moo-
[p3]: No. No no not that. What the hell. Why do you spell flavor like flavour. It’s like you have flavor but then this guy shows up and is like “Oui Oui Would you like chocolate flaVOUR or vanilla flaVOUR.
[p1] and [p2]: what?
[p3]: I don’t get it why add the EXTRA u when it’s PERFECTLY FINE AS IT IS!?
[p1]: You done now?
[p3]: Yeah ok.
[p1] and [p2]: ...
[p3]: ...Can I have the Mint Chocolate chip flavour? [p1], talking about [p2]: Is this a friend of yours, [p3]?
[p3]: Kind of? Not really. They're in my life and there's nothing I can do about it. [p1]: How high are you?
[p2]: Mm, I don’t know how to say it in feet.
[p3]: No, they’re asking what drugs are you on.
[p2]: Oh, antidepressants, why? [p1]: I have locked [p3] in a cage designed by their own art. Oh, they have been well and truly hoist by their own petard.
[p2]: Could you put it another way? I didn’t understand a word of that.
[p1]: I’m blackmailing them.
[p2]: Oh, happy days. [p1]: The ritual. To preform it requires a sacrifice.
[p2]: Sacrifice? I nominate [p3].
[p3]: Wait, what?
[p2]: Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue.
[p3]: I'm 5'9, it's like average height in most of the world!
[p1]: Its not that kind of of sacrifice guys! [p1]: So... This is my full potential?
[p2]: Yes.
[p1]: So, then it's...
[p2]: All downhill from here.
[p1]: Like [p3].
[p2]: I do not know what this [p3] is. But it sounds disappointing. [p1]: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat!
[p2]: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, [p3], go find out if that thing can catch fire!
[p1]: You're a bad influence.
[p2]: And you don't know your sayings. [p1]: I dropped [p3].
[p2]: [p1], what the fuck. [p=makePersonList()]: Wow! [p] made you cry?
[p], tearing up: Yes, and they said some really mean things that are only partly true. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne], what do you value about [p3 = p.selectOne]?
[p2]: They’re thoughtful. They pick flowers and bring them to me. Often they’re ones I’ve just planted, but...
[p3]: That’s how I know they’re fresh! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: There was a motor close to where I am right now.
[p]: A motor- a motorcycle?
[p1]: Oh sorry, a murder.
[p]: That escalated quickly. [p=makePersonList()]: [p], I am questioning your sanity...
[p]: I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?!
[p]: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long line of violence.
[p1]: Oh...
[p], from across the room: *from across the room* I don’t understand how you keep forgetting that. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], knocking on the door: [p3 = p.selectOne], open up!
[p3]: It all started when I was a kid.
[p1]: That’s not what I-
[p]: Let them finish! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], rushing into the room: It’s terrible, just terrible! I am so upset!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: [p1], honey, sit down! Sweetheart, tell us all about it. [p3 = p.selectOne], would you get [p1] some water?
[p3]: What are they gonna do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say, “Thank God, the water’s here!”? [p=makePersonList()]: The first time I ever got upset in front of [p2 = p.selectOne], they put their arms around me and it was so awkward that I had to ask them if they were hugging me or reaching for something on the shelf behind me.
[p2]: I was doing both, for your information.
[p]: The first time [p2] hugged me, it was such a disaster we didn’t make eye contact for, like, a week after. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: The clock is ticking! We don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery!
[p]: This unmitigated poppycock?
[p]: Extravagant hogwash!
[p1]: Okay, stop. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne]! What did I tell you about lying?
[p2], looking down: ...That it only works on [p]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I have a bad feeling about this...
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What do you mean?
[p1]: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you're going to get into trouble?
[p2]: No?
[p]: That actually explains so much. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], to [p2 = p.selectOne]: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice.
[p2]: Lo siento. Estoy embarazada.
[p1]: You just told me you're pregnant.
[p]: Congratulations [p2], you're glowing! [p1], about [p2]: [p3], they're an asshole! They have purposely stabbed you on more than one occasion!
[p3]: Some of those stabbings were accidental!
[p1]:
[p2]: Okay, well, I know for a fact the third time was accidental. [p=makePersonList()]: Are they stupid?
[p]: Yes, but they prefer to be called [p]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], I’m afraid.
[p2]: Just stay close to [p].
[p1]: That's why I’m afraid. [p=makePersonList()]: What would [p] think?
[p]: Ok, that’s an interesting thought, but hear me out: what if… we ran an experiment where we spent the rest of our lives finding out what happened if we never told them? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I mean. [p]'s just standing there now.
[p1]: Waiting for me, I guess.
[p1]: But it's okay, I think they've pretty much settled down.
[p]: Settled down?
[p1]: Well, they only stabbed me once. [p=makePersonList()]: But what about [p]?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Don't worry about them.
[p2]: I once watched them fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating their hotdog like nothing happened. [p=makePersonList()]: [p] got into a fight.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: That’s bad.
[p2]:
[p2]: Did they win? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do you ever feel bugs on you when really there’s nothing there?
[p]: Those are the ghosts of the bugs you killed before.
[p1]:
[p1]: *sobs*
[p]: You fucking scared them, you idiot. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out [p3 = p.selectOne]'s birthday invitations.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Well, what are they supposed to say?
[p1]: "[p3]'s birthday".
[p2]: So, what do they say instead?
[p1]: "[p3]’s bi".
[p2]:
[p2]: Works out either way. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.
[p2 = p.selectOne], used to [p1] being dumb: Sure...
[p1]: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.
[p2]: Okay?
[p1]: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.
[p2]:
[p1]: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-
[p2]: Jesus, that one is a little-
[p], interested: No, no, [p1], keep going. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p] won’t wake up, what do I do?
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Did you try kicking them?
[p1]: Yes.
[p3]: I’m out of ideas. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'm not that stupid!
[p]: [p1], you literally ate the wax from a babybel.
[p1]: [p.selectOne.upperCase] TOLD ME IT WAS EDIBLE! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey [p3 = p.selectOne], [p] just broke my seashell lamp.
[p3]: Neat. I’m gonna die alone.
[p1]: Okay, you win. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, [p2 = p.selectOne]. Why did the chicken cross the road?
[p2]: To get to the other side?
[p1]: You were supposed to say “I dunno, why?“
[p2]: Uh... fine. I don’t know. Why did it cross the road?
[p1]: To get to the idiot’s house.
[p2]: ...Ok?
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Hey, [p2]. Knock knock.
[p2]: No.
[p3]: You were supposed to say “who’s there?”
[p2]: Fine... let’s get this over with. Who’s there?
[p3]: The chicken.
[p2]:
[p3]:
[p1]:
[p2]: Listen here you little shits- *[p=makePersonList()] holding their baby*
[p]: Oh God, I can’t believe one of us actually has one of these.
[p]: I know, I still am one of these. [p=makePersonList()]: Why would you do that?
[p]: Because I feel guilty.
[p]: Guilt is a trick emotion. It’s put there by your parents to stop you from doing things that feel good. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Welcome to Fucking Applebees, do you want apples or bees?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Bees?
[p1]: THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES!
[p2]: Wait-
*[p] approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly*
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne] has no idea I’m high.
[p2]: You’re high?
[p1]: Oh, I’m sorry.
[p1], leaning over to [p]: [p2] has no idea I’m high. [p=makePersonList()]: [p] has never seen Star Wars? [p2 = p.selectOne], the only people in the universe who haven’t seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that’s cause they lived them, [p2]! That’s cause they lived the Star Wars! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: When [p2 = p.selectOne] has daiquiris they get really into how beautiful they are.
[p2]: Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out.
[p]: Hey [p2], you know that’s a mirror, right? [p=makePersonList()]: [p]’s gonna kill me.
[p]: No, they'll probably make me do it. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You bought a taco?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Yes.
[p1]: From the same truck that hit [p]?!
[p2], with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help them. [p=makePersonList()]: How did you even get in here?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: [p3 = p.selectOne]'s window! Or, as I like to call it, "[p2]'s door"!
[p3]: I’m closing the window. [p=makePersonList()]: We're having a baby.
[p]: Oh, cangradu-
[p], slamming adoption papers onto the table: It's you, sign here. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Guess what number I’m thinking of.
[p]: 420?
[p1]: No, that’s really immature of you. Someone else guess, and please take this seriously.
[p]: 69.
[p1]: Yeah it was 69. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What time is it?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I don’t know, pass me that saxaphone and we’ll find out
[p2]: *BLASTS the saxaphone*
[p]: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXAPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING
[p2]: It’s 2 am [p=makePersonList()]: It was difficult, so you’ve just given up. You might fail, so why bother trying?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Exactly.
[p2], to [p]: I told you they’d understand. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight.
[p]: But are you shuffling?
[p1]: Everyday.
[p]: What language are you two speaking?? [p=makePersonList()]: Thanks for not telling [p] what happened.
[p], dumbfounded: I wouldn’t even know where to begin trying to explain this. [p=makePersonList()]: Who knew getting in trouble would be so impossible?
[p]: I gotta give you credit, [p3 = p.selectOne]. You make it look easy.
[p3]: Years of practice. [p=makePersonList()]: So what’s the plan?
[p]: I don’t know. You’re smart, *points at [p]* they’re mean, come up with something. [p=makePersonList()]: What’s your name?
[p2 = p.selectOne], whispering to [p3 = p.selectOne]: Can I tell them my real name?
[p3]: No!
[p2]: I’m… [p3].
[p3], whispering to themselves: The ONE TIME they get my name right… [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: The results are in, I’m afraid you have updog…
[p]: What’s updog?
[p1]: [p]! Get in here, I told you I could do it! [p=makePersonList()], planning a group disguise: You cannot be Blake Bortles.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Fine! Then I’ll be Jake-
[p], under their breath: Don’t say Jortles.
[p2]: Jortles! And I work at the molotov cocktail department.
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Just think about this! I’m your hottest friend.
[p1]: No, that’s [p]… I’m your nicest friend.
[p1]: No, [p]... I’m your friend! [p=makePersonList()]: *pitches an idea*
[p], impressed: Huh, there might be something here!
[p], under their breath: Yeah, a lawsuit. [p=makePersonList()]: Hey I just got a pet snake. What should I name him?
[p]: A pet WHAT?!
[p]: William Snakespeare. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why is [p3 = p.selectOne] crying?
[p]: They saw a leaf on the sidewalk and-
[p3]: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY!
[p1]: Please don’t say what I think you’re gonna say-
[p3]: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH!
[p1]: NO, NOT THAT! [p=makePersonList()]: We can’t tell you because you’re not a member of the club.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What club?
[p]: The hating [p2] club.
[p2]: …The fuck? I should be the leader of that club! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, [p2 = p.selectOne]?
[p2]: No.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: I do!
[p1]: I know, [p3].
[p3]: I’m sad.
[p1]: I know, [p3].
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: The moon looks beautiful, doesn’t it?
[p2 = p.selectOne], looking at [p1]: Yeah… but do you know what’s more beautiful?
[p1] and [p2] in unison: *sighs* [p] [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why would you give a knife to [p3 = p.selectOne]?!
[p2 = p.selectOne], shrugging: [p3] felt unsafe.
[p1]: Now I feel unsafe!
[p2]: I’m sorry…
[p2]: Would you like a knife? [p=makePersonList()]: Hold on! I’m having one of those things... a headache with pictures.
[p]: What the fuck?
[p]: They’re having an idea. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I dare you-
[p]: [p3 = p.selectOne] is not allowed to accept dares anymore.
[p1]: Why not?
[p3]: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say. [p=makePersonList()], talking to [p2 = p.selectOne]: Well [p2], whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘would [p3 = p.selectOne] do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.
[p2]: …
[p3], from the distance: They’re not wrong though! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!
[p]: It's kind of complicated, but [p]-
[p1]: Got it. Forget I asked. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne]-
[p2]: *sighs* [p] used to call me [p2]...
[p1]: ...Because it's your fucking name. [p=makePersonList()]: Why would anyone want to harm [p]?
[p]: Maybe because they met them? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, do you know the password to [p]’s computer?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Fuck you, [p1].
[p1]: Hey!!
[p2]: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyou[p1]".
[p1]: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and…
[p]: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.
[p1]: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said…
[p]: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies. [p=makePersonList()]: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.
[p]: Well, that’s just your personal opinion, I don’t have anger issues. Do you guys think I have anger issues?
[p]: Well, I wouldn’t really call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix. [p=makePersonList()]: I think [p] is in trouble.
[p]: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I’m honest. [p=makePersonList()]: Do you cook?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I made a cake once.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Yeah, it was good.
[p2]: Really?
[p3]: Don’t make me lie twice, [p2]. [p=makePersonList()]: [p] is a perfect cinnamon scone who’s never done anything wrong in their entire life!
[p]: Never done anything wrong?! They set a city block on FIRE! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] to [p]: First rule of battle, little one... don’t ever let them know where you are.
[p], shooting out of frame: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo!
[p1]: 'Course, there’re other schools of thought. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So... what’s goin’ on?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: You want the long version or the short version?
[p1], hesitantly: The short one, I guess?
[p2]: Shit’s fucked.
[p1]: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p], I know you love [p]. I mean, we all do, they’re a very nice person and I respect them immensely.
[p1]: But I think they might be a fucking idiot. [p=makePersonList()]: [p], gather the others. We need to have another [p]-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-they-hurt-someone convention. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Where are my fucking keys?
[p]: [p1], [p] is around, can you say it a little nicer?
[p1]: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KEYS?! [p=makePersonList()]: I feel like [p] is looking down on me.
[p]: That’s because they’re on the counter and you’re short. [p=makePersonList()]: Did you hear that!? [p] just threatened to destroy my lego AT-AT!
[p]: ...You just threatened to kill them in their sleep. [p=makePersonList()]: Yo dumbass, get over here.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Okay-
[p]: *gleefully runs past* I’m coming!
[p2], sadly: I thought... I was dumbass... *[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] is casually searching around the room*
[p]: Hey [p1], what’re you looking for?
[p1]: My will to live.
*[p] walks into the room*
[p1]: Oh, there it is. *[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] rushes by with an armful of water bottles*
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What's going on?
[p3 = p.selectOne]: [p1] wouldn't drink water.
[p2]: ...And?
[p3]: And I asked them how fast they could chug an entire bottle.
[p1], loudly: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCHES! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne] has no survival skills, their need to win has replaced them.
[p]: That can't be true!
[p1]: Watch this.
[p1]: Hey [p2], race you to the bottom of the stairs!
[p2]: *Throws themself out a window* [p=makePersonList()]: You can track [p]?
[p]: Of course I can. If the NSA can do it, so can I. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], get that hidious thing out of the living room, would you?
[p2]: [p], [p1] wants you to get out of the house. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'm not doing to well.
[p]: What's wrong?
[p1]: I have this headache that comes and goes.
*[p] enters the room*
[p1]: There it is again. [p=makePersonList()]: When I said you should try being friendlier this isn't what I meant.
[p2 = p.selectOne], stirring a cup of tea aggressively: Oh, so now I'm TOO friendly? There's no pleasing you.
[p], who broke into their house an hour ago: Two sugars please.
[p2]: Coming right up. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], to [p]: You know, [p2 = p.selectOne] can be really aggressive, so it's important to take all the necessary precautions when approaching.
[p1]: *blows airhorn at [p2]* GET FUCKED! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.
[p]: I think you mean cards.
[p]: They did not.
[p1], pulling out knives: I did not. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the [p] way.
[p]: Isn't that the wrong way?
[p1]: Yes, but it's faster. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Can we go out to get icecream?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Did you ask [p]?
[p1]: They said no.
[p2]: Then why did you ask me?
[p1]: They're not the boss of you.
[p2], internally: It's a trap, it's a trap, it's a trap. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *sneaking in through their window*
[p]: *turning in their chair and flicking the light one* You want to tell me where you've been all night?
[p1]: I was with [p3 = p.selectOne]?
[p3]: *turning in their chair* Wanna try again? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: If you get in trouble, I'm gonna be like... a lawyer to you. Ok?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Okay.
*later*
[p]: [p2]! Sit down on the chair, you're in trouble.
[p1], whispering: Deny everything.
[p2], loudly: That isn't a chair. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p] gave me a get better soon card.
[p]: That's sweet!
[p1]: I wasn't sick, they just think I can do better. [p=makePersonList()]: You don't think I can fight because of my gender!
[p]: I don't think you can fight because you're in a wedding dress. For what it's worth, I don't think [p3 = p.selectOne] can fight in that dress either.
[p3]: Perhaps not. But I would make a radiant bride. [p=makePersonList()]: A sprite is anything not static.
[p]: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: A sprite is a fucking soda.
[p3]: You god damn geekass bastards. [p=makePersonList()], excitedly: Heeyy!!
[p]: Hey, someone's excited.
[p], deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I lost [p2 = p.selectOne].
[p]: How did you LOSE [p2]?!
[p1]: To be fair, they are very small. [p=makePersonList()]: I just had a long talk with [p] and [p] about hitting and now they are yelling “it’s my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence” before hitting each other. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Which movie are you and [p3 = p.selectOne] going to see tonight?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Oh, I always go to whichever movie [p3] wants.
[p1]: Which one do they want to see?
[p2]: I haven't decided yet. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Which way did [p3 = p.selectOne] go?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Well, based on the direction of the wind, the broken sticks in the corner, and the slight disturbance in the dirt, I'd guess they went left.
[p1]: You could really figure it out from that?
[p2]: No, you idiot, [p3] sent me a text. See? *In the chip aisle at Walmart, doing a late-night grocery run.*
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *Minding their own business, looking for tortilla chips.*
[p1]: *Finds tortilla chips.*
[p], to [p3 = p.selectOne]: See, they know what they're here for. They know what they're doing. Be more like them. Make a decision, [p3]! [p=makePersonList()]: Well, has [p] been wrong before?
[p]: How wide are we willing to open this up? [p=makePersonList()], about [p]: They're speaking some kind of French.
[p]: Let me handle it. I speak Spanish. It's the same thing. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Last night I found out [p] is a sleep talker.
[p]: Oh, really?
[p1]: "The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell." Right. In. My. Ear. At 3am. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], what do you have?
[p2]: A KNIFE!
[p1]: Okay, have fu-
[p]: NO! [p=makePersonList()]: Why does [p2 = p.selectOne] always do the laundry so loudly?
[p]: So everyone knows that no one helps them out in the house.
[p2], in the distance: *slams the washing machine shut* [p=makePersonList()]: They made [p2 = p.selectOne] cry!
[p]: [p2] always cries!
[p2]: That's not true! *cries* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] & [p2 = p.selectOne]: Surprise! We're having a baby!
[p]: What?!
[p1] & [p2]: *pull out adoption papers* It's you! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], what are you doing?
[p2]: Making chocolate pudding.
[p1]: It's four in the morning, why are you making chocolate pudding?
[p2]: Because I've lost control of my life.
[p2]: Here's your pudding, [p3 = p.selectOne].
[p3]: Oh that's okay, I'm not hungry anymore. [p=makePersonList()], smugly, after security arrives to escort [p2 = p.selectOne] and [p3 = p.selectOne] out: So, do you wanna walk out of here or do you wanna be carried out?
[p2], in defeat: Let’s go.
[p3]: Wait.
[p2]: What?
[p3]: I’d kinda like to be carried out... [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I hate [p].
[p]: "Hate' is a strong word.
[p1]: I have strong opinions. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, no, you stay out of this, this is between me and [p2 = p.selectOne]!
[p]: So [p2] knows about this?
[p1], walking away: No, this is between me and me! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *gets a text* Oh! It’s [p3 = p.selectOne].
[p2 = p.selectOne], excitedly: Did they get me the stuff?
[p1]: Yeah, they say they got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 gallons of blood.
[p2]: Wow! Where’d they find 12 gallons of fake blood?
[p1]: You wanted fake blood?
[p2]:
[p1]: I’ll go call [p3]. [p=makePersonList()]: Uh, I think I got your lunch. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘I am very proud of you. Love, [p]’*
[p]: Oh yeah. I didn’t think this was for me. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘Be good. For the love of God, Please be good.’* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, I see those leaves, where are you from?
[p]: Illinois.
[p1]: AAYYYE, I KNEW IT! ME TOO!
[p]: Did you just identify a state by looking at its leaves. [p=makePersonList()]: Is [p2 = p.selectOne] always like this when they lose?
[p]: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 2015.
[p2]: You bumped that table and you know it! [p=makePersonList()]: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?
[p2 = p.selectOne], whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?
[p], whispering: Because I have little hands.
[p2]: Because they have little hands. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: While I'm gone, you're in charge [p2 = p.selectOne].
[p2]: Yes!
[p1], whispering to [p3 = p.selectOne]: You're secretly in charge, but I don't want them to feel bad.
[p3]: Obviously. [p=makePersonList()]: I hope you have an explanation for this.
[p]: We have three actually-
[p]: Pick your favorite. [p=makePersonList()]: You really believe in [p]?
[p]: Luckily, they believe in themself enough for the both of us. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: When I was a kid, [p] told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: They are!
[p1]: FOR REAL?
[p2]: No! Why did you fall for it again? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I am your king, long may I reign!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Well I didn’t vote for you!
[p1]: You don’t vote for kings.
[p2]: Well how’d you become king then?
[p1]: [p] of the Lake, their arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, [p1], was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.
[p2]: Listen. Strange people lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. [p=makePersonList()]: [p] doesn’t look very happy.
[p]: That's their happy. They're just a bitch. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What’s it like being tall?
[p1]: Is it nice?
[p1]: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
[p]: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.
[p]: It was one time! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p3 = p.selectOne] isn’t answering my messages.
[p]: Allow me.
[p1]: I tried 6 times, what makes you thi-
[p3]: *replying to message* Hello. [p=makePersonList()]: It's locked. You got a lock pick?
[p]: Yeah-
[p]: *kicks in the door* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I told [p2 = p.selectOne] that their ears turn red when they lie.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Do they?
[p1]: No.
[p3]: Then why did you tell them that?
[p1]: Because I can do this.
[p1]: Hey [p2]! Do you love us?
[p2], with their hands over their ears: No. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne] and I were crossing the street, and this man drove by and honked at us.
[p]: What did you do?
[p1]: They chased him to the next red light, and reached into his window, and-
[p2]: *walking in* Who wants a steering wheel? [p=makePersonList()]: Without ugly, there would be no beauty in this world.
[p]: Thank you for your sacrifice, [p]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone’s cheeks, look into their eyes...
[p1]: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps.
[p]: ...That took an unexpected turn.
[p]: So did their neck. [p=makePersonList()]: Nice rock.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Thanks, [p3 = p.selectOne] gave it to me.
[p3]: I threw it at you!
[p2]: Aren't they the sweetest? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So, [p2 = p.selectOne] is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night.
[p]: Why?
[p1]: Because I've caught them trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row.
[p2], arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass. [p=makePersonList()]: Do you think different paints have different tastes?
[p]: They do.
[p]: ...Why did you say that with such certainty? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] & [p2 = p.selectOne]: *accidentally set the kitchen on fire*
[p1]: We need an adult!
[p2]: [p1], you are an adult!
[p1]: We need an adultier adult! Get [p]! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Would you take a bullet for me?
[p]: ...yes?
*[p] angrily burst into the room*
[p1]: *running away* Great, thanks! [p=makePersonList()]: It’s impossible to make a sentence without using the letter a.
[p]: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here’s one more to further disprove your theory.
[p]: Fuck you. [p=makePersonList()]: Are you drunk?
[p]: Only on the spirit of Christmas!
[p]: And the spirit of whisky. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: We’re about to do the taser challenge. You want in?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What's the taser challenge?
[p]: We tase eachother, then drink.
[p2]: How do you win?
[p1]: What are you, a lawyer? You want in or not? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m telling you, my team is competent.
[p], rushing in: [p1]! [p] tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and now it's broken! [p=makePersonList()]: What are you writing?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.
[p], looking over [p2]'s shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy. [p=makePersonList()]: I am strong! I beat [p2 = p.selectOne] at arm wrestling!
[p]: Anyone can beat [p2] at arm wrestling!
[p2]: Hey- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: When you work at lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it’s cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think.
[p]: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen.
[p1]: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?
[p]: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese? [p=makePersonList()]: Why did you guys dress up as each other for Halloween?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: [p3 = p.selectOne] is the scariest thing I could think of!
[p3]: [p2] told me I should pick the dumbest costume possible. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Would you slap [p3 = p.selectOne]-
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Yes.
[p1]: I didn't even finish!
[p2]: Sorry, continue.
[p1]: Would you slap [p3] for 10 dollars?
[p2]: I would do it for free.
[p3]: Rude... [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Who wants to make fifty bucks?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: How?
[p1]: I need someone to take the fall.
[p2]: What did you do?
[p1]: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked.
[p3 = p.selectOne], from the other room: Oh my god.
[p1]: ...
[p3]: OH MY GOD!
[p2]: Make it a hundred.
[p1]: Deal. [p=makePersonList()]: The odds of this happening by coincidence are vanishingly small.
[p]: I would say infinitesimally.
[p]: And I'd say teenily-weenily. We all know words. [p=makePersonList()]: What's the signal when something goes wrong?
[p]: We yell, 'oh shit.'
[p]: ...That'll work. [p1]: *cooking*
[p2]: *kicks down door*
[p2]: *grabs knife from [p1]'s hand*
[p2]: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR?
[p1]:
[p1]: What.
[p3]: They're trying to tell you they want to cook. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Not gonna lie, I'm kind of afraid of [p]...
[p2 = p.selectOne]: As you should be.
[p1]: No, for real, they're kind of-
[p2]: As. You. Should. Be. [p=makePersonList()]: Dinosaurs aren't extinct. I mean, [p] is walking in this room.
[p]: *wheeze* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] to [p]: Me? I'm the bee knees, but, you? You're just...
[p]: Cockroach ankles!
[p1]: Ye- uh, what? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Some people are like slinkies.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: What?
[p1]: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
[p2]:
[p2]: Please don't push [p3 = p.selectOne] down the stairs.
[p1], pushing [p3] down the stairs: Too late. [p=makePersonList()]: If I die, my funeral will be the biggest party ever and you're all invited.
[p]: "If"
[p]: Great, the only party I'm ever invited to and they might not even die. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it’s doing to your body.
[p]: Pfff, getting rid of the rust, idiot.
[p1]: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
[p]: Hmm... I've been drinking soda and my body's rust free... not sure where you're getting your facts from... [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on [p2 = p.selectOne] without them noticing?
[p]: Hey, [p2], I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.
[p2]: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
[p1]: ... [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], what does IDK, ILY, and TTYL mean?
[p2]: I don’t know, I love you, talk to you later.
[p1]: Alright, I love you too, I'll ask [p].
[p2]: Wait- [p1], no- [p=makePersonList()]: Self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath or putting on a lot of make up if you like that, or taking a nice warm nap and stuff like that basically.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you. self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists. self care is the fear in your enemies eyes.
[p]: Self care is stealing someones birthday cake just to eat the frosting.
[p2]: If you touch my birthday cake I’ll make you eat your hands. [p=makePersonList()]: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins?
[p]: Can't relate.
[p]: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins? [p=makePersonList()]: If you water water, it grows.
[p]: ...What.
[p]: They've got a point. [p=makePersonList(), p2 = p.selectOne]: *speaking Spanish*
[p1 = p.selectOne]: I know, I know.
[p]: You speak Spanish?
[p1]: No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language [p2] speaks. [p=makePersonList()]: What if mayonnaise came in cans?
[p]: Well, that would such because you can't microwave metal.
[p]: Good morning to everyone except these two people. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] & [p2 = p.selectOne]:*Playing video games*
[p3 = p.selectOne]: You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games?
[p1]: *silence*
[p2]: *silence*
[p3], finally figuring it out: ...You two never went to sleep, did you?
[p1] & [p2] in shame: Yeah... [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What are you guys doing?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Like in life in general or-
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Not much. Why, what's up?
[p1]: I dunno, I’m bored playing AC.
[p3]: Assassins Creed?
[p1]: Animals Creed.
[p2]: Assassins Crossing. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I know we’re not exactly friends, but-
[p]: What do you want?
[p1]: I've been stuck with [p] for 2 weeks and they've been drinking all the soy sauce.
[p1]: Help. [p=makePersonList()]: What does the doggy say? Bow wow.
[p]: What does the kitty say? Meow meow.
[p]: What does the moo cow say? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: My father's name is just mine as well, so I'm technically [p1] Jr.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: But who comes up when you look up [p1] on Google?
[p]: That's what I thought!
[p2]: One [p1] to rule them all! [p=makePersonList()]: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it.
[p]: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.
[p]: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, did you know as a kid I accidentally ate paper?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: I feel like we've all done that at least once.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: I ate it too-
[p2]: See?
[p3]:: -On purpose...
[p1] & [p2]: ...What? [p=makePersonList()]: What makes you think it's okay to watch Hannibal given its subject matter?
[p]: Sometimes, I watch television shows for entertainment purposes.
[p]: Because I condone murder and cannibalism. [p=makePersonList()]: Why don't we just call it, "M.C. Donald's?"
[p]: Because it just sounds like a stupid rapper's name.
[p]: It'd just be like- "Eyo, it's ya boy, M.C. Donald!" *Something crashes*
[p=makePersonList()]: Shoot-
[p]: *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?!
[p]: *walking by the room calmly* What died? [p=makePersonList()]: I hate to to tell you this, but one of you was adopted.
[p2 = p.selectOne] & [p3 = p.selectOne]:
[p2]: Was it [p3]? [p=makePersonList()]: I hate to tell you this, but one of you was adopted.
[p2 = p.selectOne] & [p3 = p.selectOne]:
[p2]: Only one...? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Guys, I have a question.
[p]: kys <3
[p1]: I love you too.
[p]: Ah, yes. Siblings. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug~
[p1]: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH-
[p], recording: This is so cute. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *Talking to [p]* Oh, hi. I didn't see you there. Welcome to my abode. I'm glad you could join me.
[p]: But this is my abode.
[p1]: ...
[p1]: Welcome to my abode, I'm so happy to have you, guest. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Guys where did [p2 = p.selectOne] go?
[p]: They got arrested.
[p1]: How the hell-
[p2]: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers and throw them at people. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, Joe said he's coming over this afternoon.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Cool.
[p1]: Do you know who Joe is?
[p2]: JOE MAMA!
[p], not even looking up from their phone: Damn, that backfired. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], Entering [p3 = p.selectOne]'s room: [p] did it again.
[p3]: Peace disturbance?
[p1]: What no-
[p3]: Arson..?
[p1]: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY-
[p3]: uh....Attempted murder?
[p1]: NO, THEY ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU- [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: YOU CHEATED!
[p]: So did my dad, but hey, my mom knew it all and even sorted out their wedding, so what’s the problem?
[p]: I… can confirm that that actually happened. [p1]: …What. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Guys, I didn’t memorize my lines!
[p]: Just use your lack of common sense! Everyone knows the characters in plays are dumb as fuck!
*During the play*
[p]: Hey! You finally made it! Did you get the donuts?
[p1]: W-what’re donuts? [p=makePersonList()]: Why were you up yesterday until 3am?
[p]: How did you know I was up until 3am?
[p]: We could hear you clapping to the FRIENDS intro every 25 minutes. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Any questions?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Uh, yeah, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
[p1]: Uh, a plan, duh...
[p]: [p2], chill, I know it’s weird, but [p1] has a point.
[p2]:
[p2]: THAT WAS LITERALLY A PONY DOODLE WITH A HAT!! [p=makePersonList()]: *talking about [p]’s funeral* You do know we’re burying a great person today!
[p], shocked: Did someone else die? [p=makePersonList()]: If any person here knows of any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Yes! I do. One of the partners is already married! They married me three years ago. And don’t let them deny it! I’ve got the marriage certificate to prove it!
*[p] turns around to face them*
[p2]: Oh... sorry. Wrong church. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: A party is a celebration of a life, bringing people together to let the guest of honor know how much they’re loved. [p] has done so much for us. This is our chance to do something for them.
[p]: By forcing them to have fun at a party that they don’t want to be at?
[p1]: I knew you’d understand. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Your lab is in the bathroom?
[p]: [p] says this is the perfect place for my work. I’m just now realizing that remark may not have been entirely complimentary. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *double checking supplies in the boat* Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Hot dog costumes!
[p1]: I’m sorry, what?
[p2]: You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably [p3 = p.selectOne], goes mad with hunger, we’ll put these on. [p3] hates hot dogs, so they probably won’t eat us.
[p1]: Are you saying that [p3] would rather eat us than hot dogs?
[p3]: I do hate hot dogs. [p=makePersonList()]: Breathe, just breathe.
[p]: I’ve done nothing with my life! I’m a failure!
[p]:: Awww, that never bothered you before. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m not a doctor I’m a medic.
[p]: What’s the difference then?
[p1]: Well doctors actually save lives, medics just make you feel more comfortable as you die.
[p]: Note to self; never get shot. // Quotes requiring four names, BK4 quadQuotes shipping //Four name quotes with shipping, BK4S nsfw //BK4S-NSFW [p=makePersonList()]: This food is too hot... I cant eat it.
[p]: You’re very hot, and I still eat you.
Everyone at the table: *silence*
[p]: YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING!
[p]: One dinner... I just want ONE DINNER! [p=makePersonList()]: What’s the announcement, [p2 = p.selectOne]?
[p2]: It’s a lecture. [p]’s gonna tell us everything they know about sex.
[p]: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], you'll be working with [p] and [p].
[p2]: Alright! My fantasy threesome!
Everyone else: *blank stares*
[p2]: ...Of people on a team. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne]! I can't do this stupid math!
[p2]: What’s the math problem?
[p1]: Well, we have to add the bed, subtract the clothes divide the legs, and hope we don’t multiply.
[p], covering [p]'s ears, while [p2] smacks [p1] upside the head: Not going to lie that was hella smooth. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I sleep with a gun under my pillow.
[p]: I sleep with a knife.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Both of you are pathetic.
[p1]: Oh yeah? What do you sleep with?
[p3]: [p]. sfw //BK4S-SFW [p1]: I love you.
[p2]: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.
*[p1] and [p2] kiss passionately*
[p3], to [p4]: You owe me 20 dollars. [p1]: How is the most beautiful person in the world?
[p2]: *blushing* I—
[p3], butting into the conversation: [p4] is perfect, thanks for asking. [p1]: Why is [p3] crying on the floor?
[p2]: They're drunk.
[p1]: And?
[p2]: They saw a picture of [p4]'s spouse.
[p1]: But they're [p4]'s spouse.
[p2]: I know. [p1]: Time sensitive question how flirt boy.
[p2]: Throw rocks at he.
[p3]: Hot Dogs.
[p4]: Kill him.
[p1]: Thanks guys. *Trying to cheer [p1] after a break up*
[p2]: You broke up with [p3] for a reason.
[p1]: I know, I know. I’m just so tired of missing them. Tired of wondering why they haven’t called. Why haven’t they called?
[p4]: Maybe because you told them not to.
[p1]: What are you, the Memory Person? [p1]: You know, [p2] gives [p3] flowers everyday, I wish you'd do that too.
[p4]: Okay.
*Later*
[p4]: *gives [p3] flowers*
[p3]: ???
[p4]: I don't know, I'm confused as well. [p1]: What are you getting [p2] for the holidays?
[p3]: I don't know. It's kind of hard buying a gift for your partner when they already got everything they could've ever wanted when they married you. So I'm not sure yet.
[p4]: I'm getting [p2] a divorce lawyer. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why are your tongues purple?
[p]: We had slushies. I had a blue one.
[p]: I had a red one.
[p1]: oh.
[p1]:
[p1]: OH.
[p4 = p.selectOne]:
[p4]: You drank eachothers slushies? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I never said I was gonna get back together with them. But I was thinking, they're in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave them a call?
[p]: No. No, [p1], it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: [p1] calls [p]. Number five: [p2 = p.selectOne] gets eaten by a shark.
[p2]: I’m [p2], and I approve the order of that list. [p=makePersonList()]: *about [p] and [p]* They make a cute couple, huh?
[p]: They certainly are standing next to each other. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Truth or dare?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Dare.
[p1]: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room.
[p2]: Hey [p3 = p.selectOne]?
[p3], blushing: Yeah?
[p2]: Can you move? I'm trying to get to [p]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *sees [p] and [p] together*
[p1]: They're cute. I would put them on a boat.
[p]: You mean... you ship them? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey [p2 = p.selectOne], wanna third wheel on my date with [p3 = p.selectOne] tomorrow?
[p2]: Sure.
[p1]: [p4 = p.selectOne]! Wanna third wheel on my date with [p3] tomorrow?
[p1]: Great! I've always wanted to go on a double date!
[p2] & [p4]: ...
[p3]: [p1]... [p=makePersonList()]: That's ridiculous, [p2 = p.selectOne] doesn't have a crush on me.
[p]: Yes they do.
[p]: Yes they do.
[p2]: Yes I do. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Do you love [p2 = p.selectOne]?
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Yeah, I do.
[p1]: [p4 = p.selectOne]! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!
[p4]: We all love [p2]. You should've asked if they were IN love with them.
[p3]: I thought that was implied.
[p4]: ...
[p1]: ...
[p3], looking straight at [p4]: Congrats [p1], you just won 100 bucks. nonshipping //Four name quotes without shipping, BK4NS nsfw //BK4NS-NSFW [p1]: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess.
[p2]: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to?
[p3]: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit.
[p4]: Guys. [p1]: Is the plural of milf/dilf milfs/dilfs or milves/dilves?
[p2]: Milfs.
[p3]: Milf/dilf is an acronym, you can't change the spelling to milves/dilves.
[p1]: Wait, they're acronyms? What do they stand for???
[p4]: Mom in late forties, dad in late fourties.
[p4]: I learned that from the movie called M.I.L.F that I saw the trailer of in theaters probably 5 to 7 years ago.
[p3]: Mom/dad I'd Love to Fuck.
[p1]: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK—
[p1]: I NEVER REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY HORNY!
[p4]: Oh, is it not mom in late fouries?
[p2]: What? No! It isn't!
[p4]: THE MOVIE TRAILER LIED TO ME!
[p3]: [p4]...
[p4]: THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T THINK CALLING PEOPLE MILFS WAS ALL THAT BAD BECAUSE IT STOOD FOR SOMETHING HARMLESS IT JUST HAD A SLIGHTLY SEXUAL CONNOTATION!
[p3]: I am entirely unsurprised that this is coming from you.
[p4]: [p1.upperCase], DOES IT MAKE SENSE WHY I CALLED THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID MOM A MILF NOW BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS LITERALLY JUST A DESCRIPTOR WITH FUNNY CONNOTATION!
[p1]: The word milf has been ruined for me.
[p2]: THAT'S ITS DEFINITION, IT CAN'T BE RUINED THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS!
[p3]: Y'all are dumbasses. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?!
[p]: Merry crisis.
[p]: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way.
[p]: Hoe hoe hoe.
[p1]: Guys, please. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], writing in a letter: "I'm going to kick.. your... ass."
[p1]: THERE. Now send it.
[p]:: Dude, your handwriting's terrible, are you sure you want to-
[p1]: JUST DO IT!
later
[p3 = p.selectOne]: So what does it say?
[p4 = p.selectOne], reading the letter: They say they're going to "lick my...."
[p3]:
[p4]:
[p3]: Gross- sfw //BK4NS-SFW [p1]: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS!
[p2]: And here we have a capitalist.
[p3]: Did you just-
[p4]: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible. [p1]: Hah! 69! you know what that means?
[p2]: What?
[p3]: That you're a child.
[p4]: HOW YOU GUESS MY IQ?!? [p1]: I'm cold.
[p2]: Here, take my hoodie.
*meanwhile*
[p3]: I'm cold.
[p4]: I can't control the weather, [p3]. [p1]: *falls down the stairs*
[p2]: Are you okay?
[p3]: Stop falling down the stairs!
[p4]: How’d the ground taste? *The squad is playing a team sport*
[p1]: Are you upset you don’t get to be on the same team as [p2]?
[p3]: Have you ever played a game with [p2]?
[p1]: No…
[p2]: Have you ever been trapped in a cage with a wolverine?
*Meanwhile, on the other side of the field*
[p2], chasing [p4]: I SAID FASTER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD “FASTER” MEANS? IT MEANS MORE FAST!!!! [p1]: I told [p2] to grab snacks for everyone.
[p3], looking through the options: Why did you grab fruit snacks? Are you five? Who even likes Fruit Snacks?
*[p1], [p2], and [p4] raise their hands* [p1]: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours.
[p2]: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia.
[p3]: Bitch, it's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred.
[p4]: You guys are fucking terrifying. [p1]: What if people had food names and food had people names?
[p2]: Hey, spaghetti, we’re having [p1] for dinner.
[p3]: What is wrong with you people?
[p4]: Shut up, chocolate. [p1]: You guys worried about [p2]?
[p3]: Totally!
[p4]: Yeah, they called me in the middle of the night and just yelled, "what do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?"
[p1]: And what'd you say?
[p4]: "I dunno, I dunno, I dunno, I dunno."
[p3]:
[p1]: They're lucky to have you as a friend. [p1]: You’re such a dumbass (affectionate).
[p2]: Aww, you’re such a whore (complimentary).
[p3]: How are you talking like that in real life?
[p2]: Witchcraft (derogatory). *The gang is learning CPR on a test dummy*
[p2]: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
[p1]: No, [p2]. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
[p2]: No, that’s not part of it—
[p1]: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
[p3]: I would want to live with no legs.
[p1]: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Person C. You don’t do anything.
[p2]: All right, well, lets get back to it. ‘Cause you’re losing him. *[p1] pumps frantically* Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute.
[p1]: Okay, that’s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
[p4]: How’s that gonna help you?
[p1]: I will divide and then count to it.
[p4]: Right.
[p2]: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
[p1]: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. *clears throat, begins to sing* First I was afraid, I was petrified. [p1], setting down a card: Ace of spades.
[p2], pulling out an Uno card: +4.
[p3], pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you!
[p4], trembling: What are we playing?! [p1]: Hey [p2].
[p2]: *punches [p1] in the stomach*
[p1]: What the fuck?
[p2]: You are one of my very best friends. And I cannot stand by and watch you throw away your life like this. You're too young....YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL!
[p1]: What the fuck are you talking about?
[p2]: I'm talking about the baby that's growing inside of your belly right now.
[p3]: See ya! *leaves*
[p1]: I'm not pregnant!
[p2]: Well, not after that punch you're not. I've been taking muay thai classes.
[p1]: I was never pregnant, [p2]!
[p2]: Are... you sure?
[p1]: Yes I'm fucking sure!
[p4]: I'm sorry, but why the fuck is everybody yelling over here?
[p2]: Oh, I found this positive pregnancy test and—
[p4]: *punches [p1] in the stomach*
[p1]: AW, MOTHERFU-- [p1]: Why did you kidnap [p2]!?!?!
[p3]: Ah- um- well- the reason for that is, uhh...
[p4]: Sometimes, we must work together towards a common goal.
[p1]: NOT TO KIDNAP PEOPLE! [p1]: I just found out from [p2] today that when [p3] died and the service did the 21-gun salute at their funeral, [p4] said, “They should aim at the coffin to be sure.” [p1]: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff?
[p2]: Um, murder???
[p3]: Adventuring!
[p4]: Tuesday. *The gang when they drop food on the floor*
[p1]: Aw man. *Throws it away*
[p2]: Five second rule!
[p3]: Foolish germs, thinking they can stop me!? *Eats it off the floor*
[p4]: *Sobs on the floor* [p1], spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down.
[p2]: I actually just put the cutting board in the oven...
[p3], visibly confused: Okay, so they decided to put the cutting board in the oven?
[p1], spraying [p2]: You FUCKING DUMBASS!
[p2]: Dude, I forgot-
[p1]: OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!?
[p4]: *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.* [p1]: I’m so happy two of my favorite people are getting along now.
[p2]: Uh, [p3] and [p4] are not getting along.
[p1]: They’re not trying to kill each other.
[p2]: You may have a point. [p1]: Your lover doesn't have the mental strength to caramelize onions.
[p2]: Your lover thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions.
[p3]: Who's fucking caramelizing onions? Have you sociopaths forgotten that apples exist?
[p4]: Do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions. [p1]: I reserve the right to judge a movie based on when it was made, thank you very much.
[p2]: You consider anything made before 2000 old and bad.
[p1]: And I reserve that right! After all....
[p1]: I bet you wouldn’t like the average movie made in 1879!
[p2]: There were no movies made in 1879.
[p1]: *slams table* WRONG! There was ONE movie made in 1879! The first movie! A zoopraxioscope of a horse galloping!
[p3]: Oooh! Let’s go ask [p4] if they saw it in theatres! [p1]: We need a way to lure in new customers?
[p2]: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events!
[p3]: [p4] bath water.
[p4]: ABSOLUTELY NOT! [p1]: Count me in!
[p2]: Who the hell are you?!
[p1]: Oh, you know my sibling! They worked at Wendy's.
[p2]: Oh yeah, [p3]! How are they doing?
[p1]: Oh yeah, not too good. They've been dead for the past month.
[p4]: What the hell, they didn't tell us! [p1]: Your smile? It makes my day.
[p2]: Your happiness? I live for that.
[p3]: A room? Get one.
[p4]: Hotel? Trivago. [p1]: Who wants to go out of the country on a road trip?
[p2]: Yea, I could drink legally!
[p3]: I could hang out with the boys!
[p4]: I could hide from the consequences of my actions. [p1]: Ducks are better than rabbits.
[p2]: What? Rabbits are adorable. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? Ducks are jerks.
[p3]: Duck is delicious! Rabbit is all gamey.
[p2]: We’re not talking about flavour, [p3]!
[p3]: Flavour counts!
[p2]: Who carries around a duck’s foot for good luck? Anyone?
[p4]: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I’ll wrap myself in a comforter stuffed with duck feathers! Who’s cozier?
[p2]: Okay, but-
[p4]: NO, NO, NO, NO. WHO’S COZIER?
[p3]: Then why don’t we take a rabbit, a duck, stick ‘em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out!
[p2]: BECAUSE IT’S ILLEGAL, [p3.upperCase]!
[p3]: ONLY IF WE BET ON IT, [p2.upperCase]!
[p1]: I- Jesus- [p1]: So [p4] was just using me?
[p2]: I’m sorry, [p1].
[p3], trying to contain their amusement: You must feel pretty stupid right now.
[p1]:
[p2]: Ok, that’s a time-out.
[p3]: No, I was just trying to-
[p2]: Go sit over there!
[p3]: *walks away in defeat* *In a horror movie situation*
[p1]: I've got no service in my phone here.
[p2]: Shoot, my battery just died.
[p3]: Sorry guys, I just broke my phone with a hammer.
[p4]: Guys, my phone is a book. [p=makePersonList()]: Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: That's deep.
[p]: That means that ketchup is a smoothie.
[p2]: That's deeper.
[p]: ...You guys are idiots. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Blue M&Ms are the best.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: whAT IS THIS SLANDER?
[p1]: What about it? They are.
[p2]: I WILL NOT ALLOW SUCH LIES ON MY CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER!
[p2]: THE RED ONES ARE THE BEST!
[p1]: YEAH? WELL YOUR MOM'S A HO!
[p]: They're all chocolate inside, the colors don't mean anything.
[p]: I like the yellow ones.
[p1] and [p2]: SHUT THE FUCK YOUR MOUTH! [p=makePersonList()], singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-
[p], whispering: Should we call the exorcist?
[p], also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.
[p], appalled: Call the exorcist. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], texting in the group chat: I wonder what Apple shots would look like?
[p]: *Sends a picture of of a syringe with an apple slice shoddily edited inside*
[p]: *Sends a picture of a shot glass with an Apple poorly drawn inside*
[p]: *Sends picture of person dunking a Basketball into the hoop but replaced the basketball with a poorly resized apple*
[p1]: I hate all of you. [p=makePersonList(), p4 = p.selectOne], watching [p2 = p.selectOne] and [p3 = p.selectOne] fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?
[p1 = p.selectOne], not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other.
[p4]: Then... who’s the strongest out of you three?
[p2]: [p1].
[p3]: [p1].
[p1]: Me. [p=makePersonList()]: Are you laughing at that video of [p] and [p] fighting?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: No.
[p2]: I'm laughing at the comments. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Die.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Please don't die!
[p1]: DIE!
[p2]: PLEASE DON'T DIE!
[p], confused: Why are they yelling at a plant?
[p], watching while eating popcorn: They bought it together and [p2] wants [p1] to accept it as their kid. [p=makePersonList()]: Is stabbing someone immoral?
[p]: Not if they consent to it.
[p]: Depends on who your stabbing.
[p]: YES??!!? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I still don’t have a New Year’s resolution.
[p]: You could lose a few.
[p]: You could be less lazy.
[p]: Don’t be such a bitch.
[p1]: Okay DAMN, SHIT. [p=makePersonList()]: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire??
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
[p]: Why were you microwaving a lemon???
[p2]: I read boiling lemons helps cover up up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots.
[p]: Did you burn an orange too? How???
[p2]: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔 [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I’m gonna die alone.
[p]: [p1], you’re not gonna die alone.
[p1]: [p], was my safety net, okay? They got married and now I have to get a snake.
[p]: Uh-huh. Why is that?
[p1]: If I’m gonna be an old lonely person, I’m gonna need a thing, you know? A hook. Like that guy in the subway who eats his own face.
[p1]: So I figured I’ll be “Crazy Man With A Snake”, you know? Crazy snake man.
[p1]: Then I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won’t walk past my place, they will run! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE MAN! [p=makePersonList()]: What’s your biggest fear?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: That I’ll never be good enough for anyone.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back.
[p4 = p.selectOne]: Zombies.
[p2]: ...
[p3]: ...
[p4]: BUT they can open doors. Police: You’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.
[p = makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], with [p] and [p] behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?!
Police: Yes…three.
[p1]: Oh, my God— What the fuck!?
Police: Wha-
[p1]: [p] FUCKING FELL OFF! [p=makePersonList()]: What do we think of [p]?
*pause*
[p]: *sighs* Nice pal.
[p]: I think they're gay. [p1]: ARE YOU-
[p2]: Fucking.
[p1]: KIDDING ME?! YOU-
[p2]: Fucking.
[p1]: IDIOT!
[p3]: …What was that?
[p2]: [p4] banned [p1] from swearing, so I’m helping them out. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: On the count of three, what’s your favorite cake?
[p1] & [p2 = p.selectOne]: One, two, three-
[p1] & [p2]: Chocolate cake, peanutbutter frosting, and chocolate chunks!
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Our turn, [p4 = p.selectOne]! One, two, three-
[p3]: Vanilla!
[p4]: I’ve never had cake before. What is cake? [p=makePersonList()]: Wake me up-
[p]: Before you go go
[p]: When September ends
[p]: WAKE ME UP INSIDE [p=makePersonList()], watching [p2 = p.selectOne] & [p3 = p.selectOne] panic : What's going on?
[p]: [p2] is having a midlife crisis and [p3] is just having a crisis. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I give up. I am so tired.
[p]: Get the emergency supply!
[p]: *carries [p4 = p.selectOne] and places them in front of [p1]*
[p4]: *smiles*
[p1]: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO [p=makePersonList()]: You know you can die from that, right?
[p]: *smoking a cigarette* That’s the point.
[p]: *drinking alcohol* We’re trying to speed this up.
[p]: *Eating raw cookie dough and nodding* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *tapping fingers on table*
[p2 = p.selectOne]: *taps fingers back furiously*
[p]: …What’s going on?
[p]: Morse code. They’re talking.
[p1]: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … -
[p2]: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?
[p]: *crouches down*
[p]: *kneels down*
[p]: *sits on the floor*
[p1]:
[p1]: I hate all of you. [p=makePersonList()]: It’s time to turn this into a real business.
[p]: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?
[p]: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?
[p]: I handle our accounting. [p=makePersonList()]: *points at [p]* A human turtleneck, *points at [p]* a narcissistic monster, *points at [p4 = p.selectOne]* and literally the dumbest person I’ve ever met.
[p4]: And who am I? Describe me now. [p=makePersonList()]: Shh, here comes [p]!
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Quick, [p4 = p.selectOne], start talking about boring nerd stuff!
[p4]: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now, so when you use the word “nerd” derogatorily, it means you’re the one that’s out of the zeitgeist.
[p3]: Yes, that’s perfect. Just like that. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Alright, which one of us is gonna check outside?
[p]: Not it!
[p]: Not it!
[p1]: ...Neither one of you are as dumb as you lead on to be. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p4 = p.selectOne] is taking credit for [p3 = p.selectOne]'s work, getting them to deal with everything, and making fun of them! You know what they sounds like?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: You?
[p1]: No, I meant... You know [p3]. In spite of being clever and sarcastic they’re also... fragile and weird and they have trouble fitting in. And [p4] is taking advantage of their weakness! You know what that’s called?
[p2]: A [p1]?
[p1]: ...Yeah, but I’m the only one who should be allowed to do that, okay?! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So, are they your friend or...
[p2 = p.selectOne]: They’re like [p3 = p.selectOne], but if [p3] was ordered to be around you.
[p1]: Oh, so [p].
[p2]: Precisely!
[p=makePersonList()]: What’s it like being tall?
[p]: Is it nice?
[p]: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
[p]: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want. *Comments under an image of a really hot knife cutting bread*
[p=makePersonList()]: Imagine stabbing someone with this knife.
[p]: It would instantly cauterize the wound, so the person wouldn't bleed, so it's not very useful.
[p]: if you want information it is
[p]: why would you STAB a person when you can have TOAST? *Everyone is playing a board game together*
[p=makePersonList()]: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'.
[p]: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'.
[p]: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'.
[p3]: *flips the board* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Christmas is cancelled.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: You can't cancel a holiday.
[p1]: Keep it up, [p2], and you'll lose New Year's too.
[p2]: What does that mean?
[p1]: [p], take New Year's away from [p2]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: The cow??
[p1]: What?
[p]: [p2], W H Y? [p=makePersonList()]: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong?
[p]: Strong.
[p]: Weak.
[p]: An idiot, is what your are. [p=makePersonList()]: Words ending in 'ie' just sound so adorable. Like cutie, sweetie, cookie-
[p]: Eyy, homie!
[p]: But then there's cootie...
[p]: Die. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], teaching [p2 = p.selectOne] to drive: Okay, you're driving and [p3 = p.selectOne] and [p4 = p.selectOne] walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?
[p2]: Oh, definitely [p4]. I could never hurt [p3].
[p1], massaging their temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You were stabbed. Do you remember anything?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital.
[p1]: That wasn't an ambulance, I drove you.
[p2]: But I heard a siren.
[p]: That was [p4 = p.selectOne].
[p4]: Sorry, I got nervous. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], pointing to the wall: What color is this?
[p]: Gray.
[p]: Grey.
[p1], turning to [p4 = p.selectOne]: Now tell them what color you think it is.
[p4]: Dark white. [p=makePersonList()]: I just want someone to take me out.
[p]: On a date?
[p]: With a sniper gun?
[p]: Both if you're not a coward. [p=makePersonList()]: Everyone synchronise your watches.
[p]: I don't know how to do that.
[p]: I don't wear a watch.
[p]: Time is a construct. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Which country has the most birds?
[p1]: Portu-geese!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: That's a language.
[p1]: Portu-gull?
[p2]: Good recovery.
[p]: I think you mean good re-dovery.
[p]: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne] & [p2 = p.selectOne] in the back of [p4 = p.selectOne]'s car: MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!
[p]: We have food at home.
[p4]: *pulls into the McDonald's drivethrough*
[p1] & [p2]: YAYYYYYY!
[p4]: *orders one black coffee and leaves* [p=makePersonList()]: Where the devil is [p]?
[p]: Well, it is raining outside... Maybe they melted?
[p]: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: No, that's not how you make cookies.
[p]: FLOOR IT!!
[p1]: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
[p2]: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
[p1]: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!
[p]: DO IT!
[p2]: NO- [p=makePersonList()]: How did none of you hear what I just said?!
[p]: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
[p]: I got distracted halfway through.
[p]: Ignoring you was a conscious decision. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!
[p1]: *aggressively throws water bottles*
[p]: Uh... what's up with them?
[p]: They're trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.
[p1]: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!
[p], crying: It's working. [p=makePersonList()]: Where's [p2 = p.selectOne]?
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Don't worry, I'll find them.
[p3], shouting: [p4 = p.selectOne] sucks!
[p2], distantly: [p4] is the best person ever! Fuck you!
[p3]: Found them. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.
[p2 = p.selectOne], [p3 = p.selectOne], & [p4 = p.selectOne]: Okay.
[p1]: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.
[p2]: Bold of you to assume I have money.
[p3]: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.
[p4]: Bold of you to assume I can die. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?
[p]: Put spaghetti in it.
[p1]: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you.
[p]: Put spaghetti in it.
[p1]: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you two.
[p]: Put spaghetti in it.
[p1]: I am no longer taking suggestions. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You’re just being paranoid. Again.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: When have I been paranoid?
[p1]: Um, when you first met [p] you thought they were an undercover cop…?
[p2]: No one has a wart that big, I thought it was a surveillance camera!
[p1]: And last year you were sure [p4 = p.selectOne] was a mermaid!
[p2]: They hate wearing shirts! COINCIDENCE?!
*Later, when [p2]’s theory is proven wrong*
[p1]: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
[p2]: I still think [p4] is a mermaid. [p=makePersonList()]: Where is [p2 = p.selectOne]?
[p]: I'll do you one better, who is [p2]??
[p]: Here's a better question, why is [p2]? *The gang responding to being stabbed by a sword*
[p=makePersonList()]: Rude.
[p]: That's fair.
[p]: Not again.
[p]: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey, I say we go down there, kick [p2 = p.selectOne]’s door in, and let them know that we’re in town.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: That ain’t the way we do things here. We may have to go in there and run a con, drop a bug, do the smooth talking.
[p1]: Okay, you come with me, you do the smooth talking, let’s go.
[p3]: No, we just can’t go in there and kick down [p2]’s door. We need a plan.
[p1]: Well who makes the plans?
[p3]: [p4 = p.selectOne].
[p1]: [p4], what's the plan?
[p4]:You guys are gonna go down there, kick [p2]’s door in, let them know you’re in town. [p=makePersonList()]: You're smiling. What happened?
[p]: What? Can't I smile just because I feel like it?
[p]: [p] tripped and fell down the stairs today. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Why is [p] crying on the floor?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: They took one of those 'what person are you?' quizzes.
[p1]: And?
[p2]: They got [p]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What’s up with [p]? They’ve been laying on the floor for like….an hour now?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: They're just a little overwhelmed.
[p1]: Why?
[p2]: [p] smiled at them. [p=makePersonList()]: What’s wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone’s throat out.
[p]: Fucking [p] and [p] were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting. [p=makePersonList()]: We need to distract these guys.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Leave it to me.
[p2]: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.
[p] & [p]: *immediately begin arguing* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You have friends and I envy that.
[p]: You're welcome to share my friends.
[p1]: *looks at [p] and [p]*
[p1]: I don't want those. [p=makePersonList()]: You deserve a reward for putting up with me.
[p]: You are my reward.
*meanwhile*
[p]: You deserve a reward for putting up with me.
[p]: True, you can be really difficult at times. [p=makePersonList()]: Oh god, they texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, [p2 = p.selectOne]. They're mad at you.
[p2]: No, it's [p3 = p.selectOne]. They're just being gramatically correct!
*meanwhile*
[p3]: And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them.
[p]: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'.
[p3]: I stand by my choice. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], [p2 = p.selectOne] & [p3 = p.selectOne]: *screaming*
[p4 = p.selectOne]: *runs into the room* What's wrong, [p3]?!
[p1]: Wait, why are you asking [p3] that when [p2] and I are also here?
[p4]: Because [p3] wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance. [p=makePersonList()]: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
[p]: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
[p]: A realist sees a freight train.
[p]: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: My stomach growled super loud in French.
[p1]: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class.
[p]: Bonjour.
[p]: Le growl.
[p]: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette. [p=makePersonList()]: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.
[p]: My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy.
[p]: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.
[p]: My life is a little too much imagination and not nearly enough dragons. [p=makePersonList()]: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.
[p]: Weight loss? Drink water.
[p]: Clear skin? Drink water.
[p]: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-
[p]: A doll.
[p]: A cinnamon roll.
[p]: A sweetheart.
[p1]:
[p1]: ...stop it. [p1]: Those darn tall old people.
[p2]: Darn em' indeed.
[p3]: Don't worry, they'll be gone soon enough.
[p4]: *sharpening knife* Yes. Dead.
The Squad:
[p4]: Hahaha.
[p4]: ...Is this self-destructive behaviour? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *Gasp*
[p2 = p.selectOne]: wHAT??
[p1]: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish?
[p2]: *inhales*
[p], in another room with [p]: Why can I hear screeching? [p=makePersonList()]: What is love?
[p]: An emotional minefield.
[p]: A neurochemical reaction.
[p]: Baby don't hurt me. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Well, that was entirely predictable.
[p1]: One of them punched a gang member.
[p2]: [p]?
[p1]: [p], actually.
[p2]: Oh, that was going to be my second guess. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: How late were you up last night?
[p] & [p], in tandem: Me?
[p1]: No, not you two. You stay up late all the time.
[p1], to [p]: You. [p=makePersonList()] and [p]: *making loud, shouty gorilla sounds at each other*
[p]:
[p], exasperatedly: We have a guest. *[p=makePersonList()] drunkenly wanders around the house and [p] is drunkenly giggling*
[p], completely sober: *sighs* Well, looks like it's just me and you against the wold, [p2 = p.selectOne].
[p2], going to their room: Nope, just you. *shuts door* [p=makePersonList()]: [p4 = p.selectOne], we're hungry!
[p]: [p4]! What's for dinner?
[p]: We're hungry, [p4]!
[p4], frying a bottle of ketchup over the stove: *screams* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *is hugging [p2 = p.selectOne]*
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Hey! It's my turn to hug [p2]!
[p3]: *grabs [p2]*
[p4 = p.selectOne]: *kicking down the door* What do you mean, "yOuR tUrN"? We agreed now is my time slot!
[p1]: No, It's still my turn!
[p2]: *suffocating* Guys, I love you, but just because I'm the smallest doesn't mean you can be hugging me constantly!
[p3]: But we need the moral support!
[p1]: And you're small! Which is cute!
[p4]: If I don't hug you right now I think the depression will kick in and my body will stop functioning.
[p2]: *close to tears* Well- I, I guess. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Made you all playlists!
[p1]: [p], yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul.
[p1]: [p], yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression.
[p1]: And [p] has the ABBA Gold album. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!
[p]: You left me, [p], and [p] in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.
[p1]: I did that on purpose, try again. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey guys I just found a new song I really like-
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Is it about death?
[p1]: No.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Is it about drugs?
[p4 = p.selectOne]: Is it about sex?
[p1]: NO- it's about happiness and peace and-
[p2], [p3], and [p4]: [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I'm bored.
[p]: Wanna commit first degree murder?
[p1]: Sure!
[p], hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put [p] down!! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You just said ‘hole’ too many times.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: And that’s coming from [p1].
[p]: *Points at [p1]* That’s concerning.
[p]: YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING [p2.upperCase]! *storms out* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What do you want then?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Er… something work related.
[p1]: What department is this?
[p2]: Sorry?
[p1]: Well, if it’s work related you’d obviously know what department this is. What department is this?
[p1]: *looks at [p] and [p]* Some sort of homosexual department? // Quotes requiring five names, BK5 pentaQuotes shipping //Five name quotes with shipping, BK5S nsfw //BK5S-NSFW [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Isn’t it weird that we can’t ride any other animal except horses. Like if horses weren’t a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldn’t ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn’t really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.
[p]: Elephants.
[p1]: Blocked.
[p]: Camels.
[p1]: Extra blocked.
[p]: Donkeys.
[p1]: Ultra blocked.
[p]: That dick.
[p1]: ...Followed. [p=makePersonList()]: So anyways have y'all seen [p3 = p.selectOne]?
[p]: I think they went in [p4 = p.selectOne]'s room 'studying'.
[p]: Doubt that. I heard groans there.
*Meanwhile in [p4]'s room*
[p3] & [p4], fighting: sfw //BK5S-SFW [p1]: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple...
[p2]: I really care about your feelings!
[p3]: I really care about YOUR feelings!
[p1], turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple...
[p4]: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!
[p5]: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Guys, I’ve been meaning to tell you… [p2 = p.selectOne] and I are dating.
[p2], [p], [p], and [p]: *gasp*
[p1]: [p2], why are you surprised?! nonshipping //Five name quotes without shipping, BK5NS nsfw //BK5NS-NSFW sfw //BK5NS-SFW [p1]: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like-
[p1], to [p2]: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual.
[p3], to [p4]: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire.
[p5]: There are two types of people. [p1]: You're just jealous. All my friends tell me I remind them of [p4].
The Squad: *screaming*
[p2]: She looks like [p4]? Are you out of your fucking MIND?
[p3]: [p4], sweetie, I am SO sorry. I am SO SORRY that an ugly-ass bitch like this would even say that. Oh my god.
[p2]: [p4]? [p4]? [p4]? You know who you fucking look like? You fucking look like [p5]! [p1]: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?
[p2]: Take them!
[p3]: Punch them in the neck!
[p4]: Say thank you!
[p5]: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!
[p1]: …
[p1]: No. [p1]: How would you like your pancakes?
[p2]: Plain.
[p3]: With sprinkles!
[p4]: Chocolate chips.
[p5]: Potatoes.
*[p2], [p3], and [p4] look at [p5]*
[p5]: What? They're good. [p1]: Where’s [p2]?
[p3]: Doing stuff.
[p1]: I don’t like the sound of that. Where’s [p4]?
[p3]: Trying to stop [p2] from doing the stuff.
[p1]: And [p5]?
[p3]: Trying to stop [p4] from stopping [p2] from doing the stuff.
[p1]: I see. And what are you doing here, [p3]?
[p3]: I’m supposed to stop you from stopping [p5] from stopping [p4] from stopping [p2] from doing the stuff. [p1]: [p2] is late again.
[p3]: How did this happen? I called them at 8 o’clock this morning and pretended it was 11.
[p4]: I printed up a fake schedule for them saying we were starting at 9 instead of noon.
[p5]: I set their clock to say PM when it’s really AM.
[p1]: Oh boy. We may have overdone it.
*[p2] bursts through the door*
[p2]: WHAT TIME IS IT? [p1]: Guys… the principal just called—
[p2]: It was [p3]!
[p3]: It was [p4]!
[p4]: It was [p5]!
[p5]: It was me! [p1]: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what [p3] will and will not eat.
[p2]: Grass? Yes!
[p1]: Moss? Yes!!
[p2]: Leaves? Ohh, yes!
[p1]: Shoelaces? Strange but true!
[p2]: Worms? Sometimes!
[p1]: Rocks? Usually nah.
[p2]: Twigs? Usually!
[p1]: [p5]'s cooking? Inconclusive!
[p4]: How did you… test this?
[p1]: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it.
[p4]: ... I don’t know how to feel about this.
[p5]: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT? [p1]: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to?
[p2]: Schrödinger's boys.
[p3]: FUCK!
[p4]: What about cracking open a cold milkshake?
[p5]: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do.
[p5]: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison.
[p1]: ...
[p2]: ...
[p3]: ...
[p4]: ...
[p5]: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town. [p1]: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK.
[p2]: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.
[p1]: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.
[p3]: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins.
[p4]: Looks like someone's a HO.
[p2]: NaBrO.
[p5]: I'm done with all of you! [p1]: Are oranges named orange because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
[p2]: Which came first, the orange or the orange?
[p3]: Orange was first used to refer the fruit 1280 years ago but was not used as a color until 1000 years ago.
[p4]: What was the color called before then?
[p5]: There was no color, duh! Everything was black and white! The Squad: *walking at the mall*
[p1]: Hey, have any of you guys seen [p5]? They’ve been gone for a while..
[p2]: Eh, nope.
[p3]: No, I haven’t...
[p4]: Probably ran off to McDonald’s or something.
[p5]: Hey.
[p1]: Ooh, there you are-
[p2]: What the fu-
[p4]: I- where were you?!
[p5]: Walking right behind you guys. [p1]: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.
[p2], [p3], [p4], and [p5]: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell! [p1]: Uh, [p2]? [p3] is in the pool and I don't think they're waterproof.
[p2]: What?
[p4]: I think they meant, [p3] is drowning.
[p2]: WHAT?!
*Meanwhile*
[p3]: *is drowning*
[p5]: OH MY GOD, [p3.upperCase]! KEEP SWIMMING!
[p3]: I can't swim, dumbass— *sinks*
[p5]: [p3.upperCase]! [p1]: Hey, let’s mess with [p3], guys!
[p2]: Hey, [p3], your momma so fat-
[p3]: My mom committed multiple war crimes and is now locked in solitary confinement in a Bolivian prison.
[p4]: Well, uh- your dad-
[p3]: My father left when I was two to be captured and consequentially sacrificed by a group of feral ferrets.
[p2]: The fuck-
[p5]: Well then...
[p1]: Stop, [p5]!
[p5]: Your grandparents so-
[p3]: My grandmother floated into the sky like a balloon with too much helium when my grandfather spontaneously combusted.
[p3]: You cannot best me, mortals. [p1]: I'm going to be an adult in 4 years and I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to do.
[p2]: I’m gonna be an adult in less than a year and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
[p3]: I'm with you there...
[p4]: I'm an adult and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
[p5]: Three types of people. [p1]: What's the worst thing you guys have done?
[p2]: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.
[p3]: I kicked [p4] in the shin-
[p4]: -So I kicked [p3] between the legs.
[p5]: I burned a town down.
[p1]: What?!
[p4]: What the hell is wrong with you?!?
[p5]: A lot of things.
[p3]: No shit. [p=makePersonList()]: What makes you all smile?
[p]: Friends and Family.
[p]: Snacks.
[p]: Victory and success.
[p]: Face muscles. [p=makePersonList()]: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.
[p]: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
[p]: I recorded the dumb stuff.
[p]: I joined you in the dumb stuff.
[p]: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF! [p=makePersonList()]: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?
[p]: IT.
[p]: Annabelle.
[p]: Paranormal Activity.
[p]: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne]'s refusing to wear their glasses!
[p2]: [p1], look, I wore the glasses for a day. My eyes are much better now. Watch.
[p2]: *points to [p3 = p.selectOne]* [p3].
[p2]: *points to [p4 = p.selectOne]* [p4].
[p2]: *points to [p]* Sasquatch. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So don't panic but one of us is possessed by an owl....
[p]: ....
[p]: .....
[p]: ......
[p5 = p.selectOne]: ..Who?
[p1]: That's the thing we don't-
*Everyone stares at [p5]* *the squad is at a dinner party but someone has been murdered*
[p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You’re acting pretty carefree for someone who’s life’s at stake. Who’s to say you aren’t the killer?
[p]: It’s a murder, not a tax audit. I’ll be fine.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: What about [p4 = p.selectOne]? Nobody ever suspects [p4]!
[p4]: Well what about [p5 = p.selectOne]? They have a gun!
[p5]: [p1] has a knife.
[p1]: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! *stabs [p3] in the arm* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Did you bring [p]?
[p], gesturing to [p4 = p.selectOne]: No, but I brought the next best thing.
[p1]: [p4]? The next best thing would be [p5 = p.selectOne].
[p4]: I would be offended, but [p5] is freakishly strong. [p=makePersonList()]: What does “take out” mean?
[p]: Food.
[p]: Dating.
[p]: Murder.
[p]: It can be all three if you’re brave enough. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Okay! Let’s play Kiss Marry Kill!
[p1]: First who would you kill?
*[p] points at [p5 = p.selectOne]*
*[p] points at [p5]*
*[p] points at [p5]*
[p5]: *shrugs* I would kill me too. [p=makePersonList()]: Look guys, I need help.
[p]: Love help?
[p]: Financial help?
[p]: Emotional help?
[p5 = p.selectOne]: Help moving a body?
*Everybody looks at [p5]*
[p5]: What? [p=makePersonList()]: You three, explain right now!
[p]: It was [p5 = p.selectOne].
[p]: It was [p5].
[p]: It was [p5].
[p5]:
[p5]: …fuck. [p=makePersonList()]: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Three of us saw it, [p2]. How do you explain that?
[p2]: *points at [p]* Sleep deprivation. *points at [p3]* Paranoia. *points at [p]* Delusional personality disorder. [p=makePersonList()]: Good morning.
[p]: Good morning.
[p]: Good morning.
[p]: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
[p]: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS! [p=makePersonList()]: Are we really going to let [p] keep [p]?
[p]: We kept [p]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You’re a loose cannon, [p2 = p.selectOne].
[p2]: No, I’m not. I’m a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?
[p3 = p.selectOne]: I think you play by your own rules.
[p4 = p.selectOne]: No way, they think rules were made to be broken.
[p1]: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.
[p2]: No, I’m just a reckless renegade. [p5 = p.selectOne] is a loose cannon.
[p5]: *smashes a chair* Aah! You shut your trap, [p2]!
[p4]: I’d say [p5]’s more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose. That’s an entirely different thing.
[p3]: Now I’m just confused. Is [p2] a loose cannon or not?
[p1]: All right, put on a pot of coffee. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this.
[p2]: *groans*
[p5]: Aw, man. [p=makePersonList()]: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
[p]: Several traffic violations.
[p]: Three counts of resisting arrest.
[p]: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
[p]: Also, that’s not our car. [p=makePersonList()]: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?
[p]: Maybe a bit tipsy?
[p]: Drunk.
[p]: Wasted.
[p]: Dead. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Time for plan G.
[p]: Don’t you mean plan B?
[p1]: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
[p]: What about plan D?
[p1]: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
[p]: What about plan E?
[p1]: I’m hoping not to use it. [p2 = p.selectOne] dies in plan E.
[p2]: I like plan E. *Everyone is giving advice to [p=makePersonList()]*
[p]: It's okay to ask for help.
[p]: You're not a burden.
[p]: Murder is okay.
[p]: Your feelings matter. [p=makePersonList()]: You're a lying piece of shit!
[p]: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!
[p]: I'm leaving and I'm taking [p] with me!
[p], gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today. [p=makePersonList()]: [p]'s first detention, I'm so proud.
[p]: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention?
[p]: Because they're an idiot.
[p], terrified: They can do that?? *The gang's thoughts on stabbing*
[p=makePersonList()]: Would never stab anyone.
[p]: Would stab someone in retaliation.
[p]: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.
[p]: Would stab without warning.
[p]: Would stab as a warning. [p=makePersonList()]: What do rainbows mean to you?
[p]: Gay rights.
[p]: There's money.
[p]: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood.
[p]: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops. [p=makePersonList()]: What did you guys get in your yearbook?
[p]: 'Prettiest Smile'
[p]: 'Nicest Personality'
[p]: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'
[p]: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one' [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Where's [p], [p], and [p]?
[p4 = p.selectOne]: They're playing hide and seek.
[p1]: Where?
[p4]: I don't think you get how this game works. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends.
[p]: ... Your what?
[p1]: My friends.
[p]: Are they saying “friends”?
[p]: I think they're being sarcastic.
[p]: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, [p1]! All of your friends are in this room. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Anyone d-
[p]: Depressed?
[p]: Drained?
[p]: Dumb?
[p]: Disliked?
[p1]: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people... [p=makePersonList()]: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.
[p]: This knife is actually a magic wand.
[p]: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.
[p]: *cocks gun* Magic missile.
[p]: What the fuck is wrong with you people. [p=makePersonList()]: What’s something you guys are better than [p] at?
[p]: Mario Kart.
[p]: Yeah, video games.
[p]: Emotional vulnerability. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: *visiting the squad* Hello, I just came to-
[p1]: *sees [p] shoving [p] into the washing machine while [p] records and [p] watches*
[p1]: *retreating* Something suddenly came up. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p3 = p.selectOne] is a strings kid. We must sacrifice them to the band gods.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Yes.
[p4 = p.selectOne]: You're right. It'd be a good initiation for me.
[p3]: Wait, guys, what about the truce we signed-
[p2]: What truce?
[p1]: *sigh* The truce that we must destroy all the choir kids and leave the strings alone.
[p]: Wait, I'm a choir kid!
Everyone else: *prepares for sacrifice* [p=makePersonList()]: Who the fuck broke the toaster?
[p]: It was [p5 = p.selectOne].
[p]: It was [p5].
[p]: [p5] broke it.
[p5]:
[p5]: ...yOU PROMISED- [p=makePersonList()]: How do you connect with a fictional character?
[p]: What?
[p]: What?
[p]: What?
[p]: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food!
[p]: You can eat a rock.
[p]: Air.
[p]: The fabric of time and space.
[p]: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems.
[p1]: You guys are not helpful. [p=makePersonList()]: You know what I learned from my friendship with [p]?
[p]: There’s no such thing as too mean?
[p]: Never let your friends know for sure if you like them?
[p]: Always hold a grudge? // Quotes requiring six names, BK6 hexaQuotes shipping //Six name quotes with shipping, BK6S nsfw //BK6S-NSFW [p1]: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex?
[p2]: Sex.
[p3]: Seriously, answer faster.
[p2]: I’m sorry honey, when they said sex I wasn’t thinking about sex with you.
[p3]: It’s like a giant hug.
[p1]: [p4], what about you? What would you give up sex or food?
[p4]: Food.
[p1]: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?
[p4]: Oh my God it’s like the movie Sophie’s Choice.
[p5]: What about you [p6]? What would you give up sex or food?
[p6]: Oh... um... I don’t know, it’s too hard.
[p5]: No, you gotta pick one.
[p6]: Um, food... no, sex... no, food... sex... food. Ugh! I don’t know! I want both! I- I want hot people on bread! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: From now on we will be using code names.
[p1]: You can address me as Eagle One.
[p1]: [p] is “been there done that”.
[p1]: [p] is “currently doing that”.
[p1]: [p] is “it happened once in a dream”.
[p1]: [p] is “if I had to pick a dude/gal/enby”.
[p1]: And [p3 = p.selectOne] is..
[p1]: Eagle Two
[p3]: Oh thank god. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I put the pun in punishment.
[p]: I put the top in unstoppable.
[p]: I put the cute in execute.
[p]: I put the sexy in dyslexia.
[p]: I put the ass in class.
[p]: I put the D in [p1]. [p=makePersonList(), p4 = p.selectOne]: How much you wanna bet [p1 = p.selectOne] got a Lap dance from [p5 = p.selectOne]?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: If that happened, [p6 = p.selectOne] can drink free tonight.
[p6]: As much as I love the thought of having free drinks I don't like the idea of [p1] receiving a Lap dance from someone other than me.
[p4]: Hey [p5], did you give [p1] a lap dance?
[p5]: So what if I did?
[p4], to [p2]: I guess [p6] is drinking free tonight.
[p5]: Be right back, I'm gonna go cry-
[p1], entering the room: What the f- sfw //BK6S-SFW [p1], at [p2]: You're my significant other.
[p2]: Yeah I am!
[p1], at [p3]: You're my child.
[p3]: Yes boss.
[p1], at [p4]: You're my bitch.
[p4]: Yeah I am- wait, what?
[p1], at [p5]: My bestie.
[p5]: Naturally.
[p1], [p6]: HA, GAY!
[p6]: Fuck you. [p1]: Fine! Judge all you want but...
[p1], points at [p2]: Married a lesbian.
[p1], points at [p3]: Left a man at the altar.
[p1], points at [p4]: Fell in love with a gay ice dancer.
[p1], points at [p5]: Threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire.
[p1], points at [p6]: Lives in a box! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p4 = p.selectOne] kissed me!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
[p1]: It was unbelievable!
[p2]: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Okay, we wanna hear everything. [p2], get the wine and unplug the phone. [p1], does this end well or do we need tissues?
[p1]: Oh, it ended very well.
[p2]: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
[p3]: Okay, alright, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, “I gotta have you now” kind of thing?
[p1]: Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
[p3]: Ohh... So, okay, were they holding you? Or were their hands on your back?
[p1]: First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.
[p2] and [p3]: Ohhh.
*meanwhile*
[p4] eating pizza in their house: And, uh, and then I kissed them.
[p]: Tongue?
[p4]: Yeah.
[p]: Cool. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: [p2 = p.selectOne], let’s go!
[p2]: Oh, yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about writing maybe a letter.
[p1]: Okay, you know what? That’s it, you had your chance.
[p2]: What-?
[p1]: Mom, Dad, [p2] smoked pot in college.
[p2]: You are such a tattletale!
[p2]: Mom, Dad, you remember that time you walked into my room and smelled marijuana? Well, I told you it was [p3 = p.selectOne] who was smoking the pot but... It was me. I’m sorry.
[p1]: And Dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? He didn’t steal your Playboy’s, [p2] did.
[p2]: Yeah, well, hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing [p1] did.
[p1]: [p2] hasn’t worked for a year!
[p2]: [p1] and [p3] are living together!
[p1]: [p2] married [p4 = p.selectOne] in Vegas and got divorced AGAIN!
[p]: I love Jacques Cousteau!
[p4]:: I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle!
[p]:: I wanna gooo!! [p=makePersonList()]: [p6 = p.selectOne] is too tall for me to kiss them on the lips. What should I do?
[p]: Punch them in the stomach. Then, when they double over in pain, kiss them.
[p]: Tackle them!
[p]: Dump them.
[p]: Kick them in the shin!
[p6]: No to all of those! Just ask me to lean down!! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Just be yourself.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Really? [p1], I have one day to win over [p]’s parents.
[p2]: How long did it take for you guys to like me?
[p]: Couple of weeks.
[p]: Six months.
[p]: Jury’s still out.
[p2]: See [p1]? ‘Just be yourself,’ what kind of garbage advice is that?! nonshipping //Six name quotes without shipping, BK6NS nsfw //BK6NS-NSFW [p1]: So, [p2] is late today. Anyone wanna bet why?
[p1]: I say they slipped through the subway grate and is having terrible sex with the mole man.
[p3]: I don't know about that...I think either their alarm clock didn't go off, or they're in line at the bank.
[p4]: Take this more seriously! [p2] was clearly taken in their sleep!
[p5]: I bet they tucked themselves into the bed too tightly and got stuck.
[p6]: Maybe they fell into another dimension where they're more interesting...?
*[p2] arrives*
[p2]: Sorry I'm late - there was a problem at the bank.
[p3], clapping their hands in excitement: HOT DAMN! [p1]: Make her pussy wet not her eyes.
[p2]: Make his dick hard not his life.
[p3]: Break her bed not her heart.
[p4]: Play with her boobs not her feelings.
[p5]: Get on his dick not his nerves.
[p6]: Always salt your pasta while boiling it. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Hey guys, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?
[p3 = p.selectOne], [p4 = p.selectOne], and [p5 = p.selectOne]: No!
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Alright, that’s it, you guys. What happened out there?
[p3]: What? We took a walk. Nothing happened. I came back with nothing all over me.
[p2]: What does that mean?
[p1]: Come on, what happened? [p4]?
[p4]: Alright.
[p3]: No. [p4], we swore we’d never tell!
[p5]: They’ll never understand.
[p4]: But we have to say something. We have to get it out. It’s eating me alive.
[p4]: [p3] got stung by a jellyfish!
[p3]: Alright! I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I- I couldn’t walk.
[p5]: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn’t think we could make it.
[p3]: I was in too much pain.
[p4]: And I was tired from digging a huge hole.
[p5]: And then [p4] remembered something.
[p4]: I’d seen this thing in the Discovery Channel.
[p1]: Wait a minute, I saw that. On the Discovery Channel. Yeah, about jellyfish and how if you— EW! You peed on yourself?
[p2] and [p6 = p.selectOne]: EW!!
[p3]: You can’t say that! You don’t know! I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn’t... bend that way. So... *looks at [p4]*
[p1], [p2], and [p6]: Ew!
[p4]: That’s right. I stepped up. They’re my friend and they needed help. If I had to, I’d pee on any one of you.
[p4]: Only, uh, I couldn’t. I got stage fright. I wanted to help but there was too much pressure. So, I, um, I turned to [p5].
[p5]: [p4] kept screaming at me, “Do it now. Do it. Do it now.” Sometimes, late at night I can still hear the screaming.
[p4]: That’s because sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out. sfw //BK6NS-SFW [p1]: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to [p2] and [p3]'s convo?
[p4]: Me. I'm in the laundry basket.
[p5]: I'm in the washing machine.
[p6]: I'm in the closet.
[p4]: We accept you [p6]. <3
[p6]: No I'm literally in the closet.
[p4]: Love is love. <3 [p1], to the Squad: I’d die for you.
[p2]: Then perish.
[p3]: You will.
[p4]: Please don’t.
[p5]: Cool.
[p6]: I’d die for you first. Squad reactions to being called straight:
[p1]: The fuck, no I'm not.
[p2]: Excuse the hell out of you?
[p3]: Ding dong, you are wrong!
[p4]: Who told you that? And why did they lie?
[p5]: Rude.
[p6]: *punches the person* [p1]: She was poetry, but he couldn't read.
[p2]: His name was Jared he's 19.
[p3]: When his parents built a very strange machine.
[p4], singing: Watch that scene, digging the dancing queen.
[p5], singing: Eyyyy, Macarena!
[p6]: Horrible job everyone. [p1]: A butterfly! Hey, little guy, gal or nonbinary pal!
[p2]: Can a butterfly be nonbinary?
[p1]: I mean, maybe? I don't judge.
[p3], staring dreamily out of the window: Ah, have you ever imagine having butterfly wings? Then-
[p4]: Then it would be inconvenient as fuck. Your wings would smack every doorframe and your clothes would have to have holes in the back.
[p5]: Also, your wing's paper thin, so even a six year old aimed a NERF gun at it would... Yeah...
[p6]: *sips coffee* According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a-
[p3]: No, nononono. You fuckers have already shattered my dream, you don't get the fucking privilege to make that reference.
[p2]: Also, it's about a butterfly, not a bee... Why would you make that reference?
[p1]: You clearly have not lived with them long enough. [p1]: *dies*
[p2]: Timer starts now! When are they coming back? I say two months!
[p3]: Bullshit. One month.
[p4]: Nah, half a month.
[p5], sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? [p1.upperCase] JUST DIED!
[p6], scratching chin in thought: One week. [p1]: Wait, hold up, why you draw yourself like that?
[p2]: Uh, like what?
[p1]: Like with gorgeous, muscular legs.
[p1]: Uh, this is what I look like.
[p1]:
[p2]: THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE!
[p1]: Okay, then I want big beefy arms. Hot ones.
[p3]: I wanna have a cowboy hat!
[p2]: Okay, arms and hat. *draws them*
[p4]: Ooh, give me a cowboy hat too!
[p2]: You can't just take [p3]'s hat idea, [p4]! They thought it up all by themself like a good person! Come up with your own thing!
[p4]: BUT I WANNA LOOK COOL!
[p5]: Put [p4] on one of those stupid baby tricycles.
[p4]: NO!!
[p2]: Tricycle, done. *draws it* [p6], want anything?
[p5], making finger guns: Pew pew.
[p2]: A blaster?! No, that's not really our style, [p6].
[p6], making finger guns: Pew pew.
[p2]: You know what, okay. *draws it* But it's just for holding, not for shooting. [p1]: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*
[p2]: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 cents.
[p1]: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you.
[p3]: Actually I did the math, [p2] would have $225, not $0.15.
[p2]: Fam I’m right here....
[p4]: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)
[p1]: while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please?
[p4]: Sorry I only have a dollar.
[p1]: :( [p3]: Hey I just realized my friend is right, [p2] would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent.
[p4]: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice.
[p3]: You can buy anything you want with $22,500.
[p5]: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice.
[p3]: Apply juice to what.
[p5]: Directly to the forehead.
[p2]: Great chat everyone. [p1]: Every time I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
[p2]: Okay, but what is updog?
[p3]: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
[p4]: No, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
[p5]: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
[p6]: Surely, that’s Uppsala, where’s updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
[p1]: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
[p4]: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
[p3]: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
[p2]: What’s a henway??
[p1]: Oh, about five pounds. [p1]: Well, aren’t you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you’re out to save the world!
[p2]: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.
[p3]: More or less, I guess...
[p4]: That sounds awesome! Let’s do that!
[p5]: I’m new here, but I am open to the concept.
[p6]: I thought that’s what we were doing, guys, come on! *Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’*
[p1]: Thanks fam!
[p2]: Oh no.
[p3]: *cries* I love you too.
[p4]: Sounds fake, but okay.
[p5]: *A flustered mess*
[p6]: Can I get a refund? *At a dinner party, the guests converse while the host is away*
[p1]: So how do you know the host?
[p2]: They were a former vegan, and they bought milk.
[p3]: That BITCH!
[p4]: I pulled them over for money laundering.
[p5]: I'm chaperoning their dinner party.
[p6]: They stole a baconator!
[p3]: That BITCH!
[p1]: I tanked the store they were managing and they convinced me to quit from one of the only jobs I've ever had. Now I'm living off of unemployment checks and fear! [p1]: I’m the smartest person in my friend group.
[p2]: You hang out with [p3], [p4], [p5], and [p6].
[p2]: It’s not as high a compliment as you think. *The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one*
[p=makePersonList()]: I will not let you down.
[p]: Sounds fun.
[p]: K.
[p]: No, I'm fucking not.
[p]: Do I have to be?
[p]: Please god, I am so tired. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], rubbing their temples: I am not proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarrette.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: But [p1], we don't smoke.
[p1]: Cut the crap, [p2]. I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.
[p1]: *points at [p]* One! *points at [p]* Two! *points at [p]* Three! *points at [p3 = p.selectOne]* Four! *points at [p2]* Five!
[p1]: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarrette between these two fingers!
[p3]: *puts a cigarrette in [p1]'s hand*
[p1]: Thank you. ...Light?
The Squad: *all simultaneously pull out lighters* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Rules were made to be broken.
[p2 = p.selectOne]: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
[p]: Uh, piñatas.
[p]: Glow sticks.
[p]: Karate boards.
[p]: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
[p1]: Rules.
[p2]: *Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
[p1]: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
[p2]: ...I did. I broke it.
[p1]: No. No you didn't. [p3]?
[p3]: Don't look at me. Look at [p4].
[p4]: What?! I didn't break it.
[p3]: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
[p4]: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
[p3]: Suspicious.
[p4]: No, it's not!
[p5]: If it matters, probably not, but [p6] was the last one to use it.
[p6]: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
[p5]: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
[p6]: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, [p5]!
[p2]: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, [p1].
[p1]: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
[p5]: [p1]... [p3]'s been awfully quiet.
[p3]: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
[p1], being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
[p1]: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
[p1]:
[p1]: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: You know, when [p] comes over, [p] can get a little…
[p]: Psycho?
[p]: Scary?
[p]: Drunk?
[p1]: All three. [p=makePersonList()]: We’re kind of missing something guys.
[p2=p.selectOne]: Cohesion?
[p]: Teamwork?
[p]: A general sense of what we’re doing?
[p]: And [p] is not here.
[p2]: Oh, and that, yeah. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life.
[p]: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back...
[p]: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.
[p]: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years.
[p]: I knew I lost that potential somewhere.
[p]: Mental stability, my old friend!
[p1]: Jesus, could you guys lighten up a little? [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.
[p1]: Violently practices.
[p]: Violently studies.
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Violently sleeps.
[p]: Violently shoots pictures.
[p]: Violently boxes.
[p]: Violently murders people.
[p3]: Violently worries about the previous statement. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Time for plan G.
[p]: Don’t you mean plan B?
[p1]: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
[p]: What about plan D?
[p1]: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
[p]: What about plan E?
[p1]: I’m hoping not to use it. [p] dies in plan E.
[p]: I like plan E. [p=makePersonList()]: [p2 = p.selectOne]... How do I begin to explain [p2]?
[p]: [p2] is flawless.
[p]: I hear their hair's insured for $10,000.
[p]: I hear they do car commercials... in Japan.
[p]: One time they punched me in the face... it was awesome. [p=makePersonList()]: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
[p]: >:O language
[p3 = p.selectOne]: Yeah watch your fucking language
[p]: Okay, who taught [p3] the fuck word?!
[p5 = p.selectOne]: 'The fuck word'.
[p6 = p.selectOne]: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
[p3]: Oh my god they censored it
[p5]: Say fuck, [p6].
[p3]: Do it, [p6]. Say fuck. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne], walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.
[p]: Hey.
[p]: Hi.
[p]: Hello.
[p]: Hey!
[p1]: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
[p]: We were out of Doritos. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Between [p], [p], [p2 = p.selectOne], and [p] -- if you had to -- who would you punch?
[p3 = p.selectOne]: No one! They're my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.
[p1]: [p2]?
[p3]: Yeah, but I don't know why. [p=makePersonList()]: Dumbest scar stories, go!
[p]: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.
[p]: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and it burned.
[p]: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.
[p]: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it in my hand and I got a really bad burn.
[p]: I have emotional scars. [p=makePersonList()]: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?
[p], watching [p] screaming, [p] trying to set a sleeping [p] on fire, and [p] choking on air: I don't know either. [p=makePersonList()]: Croissants: dropped
[p]: Road: works ahead
[p]: BBQ sauce: on my titties
[p]: Shavacado: fre
[p]: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead
[p6 = p.selectOne]:
[p6]: ...I didn’t understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Bye [p2 = p.selectOne]! Bye [p]! Bye [p]! Bye [p]! Bye [p2]!
[p]: You said ‘bye [p2]’ twice.
[p1]: I like [p2]. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: I CAN'T DO IT!
[p], laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
[p1]: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
[p]: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
[p1]:
[p1]: I appreciate it,
[p1]: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
[p]: [p1]-
[p1]: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
[p]: [p1] we gotta-
[p1]: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
[p1]: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
[p1], motioning to [p]: NOT FUCKING THIS! [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: So, did everyone learn their lesson?
[p]: No.
[p]: I did not.
[p]: I may have actually forgotten one.
[p]: Also no.
[p1]: Oh good, neither did I.
[p]: *Exhausted sigh* [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?
[p1]: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies.
[p]: Socks are Feetie Heaties.
[p]: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties.
[p]: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies.
[p]: Stamps are Lickie Stickies.
[p]: I hate you guys so much. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: The floor is lava!
[p]: *helps [p] onto the counter*
[p]: *kicks [p] off the sofa*
[p5 = p.selectOne]: *lays on the floor*
[p1]: ...Are you okay?
[p5]: No. [p=makePersonList()]: If you got arrested what would be the charges?
[p]: Theft.
[p]: Disturbing the peace.
[p]: Aggravated assault.
[p]: Arson.
[p]: All of the above. In that order, probably. [p=makePersonList()]: Christmas lights?
[p2 = p.selectOne]: Check.
[p]: Thermos of hot cocoa?
[p2]: Check.
[p]: Santa suits?
[p2]: Check.
[p]: Shovel?
[p2]: Check.
[p]: Alibi and bail money?
[p2]: Check- wait, WHAT?! [p=makePersonList()]: Stressed.
[p]: Depressed.
[p]: Possessed.
[p]: Obsessed.
[p]: Impressed.
[p6 = p.selectOne]: Chicken breast.
Everyone: ...What?
[p6]: I just wanted to join in. [p=makePersonList(), p1 = p.selectOne]: Is it still visible? Where [p2 = p.selectOne] slapped me?
[p]: Your face looks like a don't walk signal.
[p]: Your face looks like a photo negative for the hamburger helper box.
[p]: A palm reader could tell [p2]'s future by looking at your face.
[p]: The phrase 'talk to teh hand cause the face ain't listening' doesn't work for you, because the hand is your face.
[p1]: ...A simple 'yes' would've sufficed. [p=makePersonList()]: We have a problem.
[p]: Let me guess, you caused it?
[p]: Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet.
[p]: And it's another Tuesday, your point?
[p]: Would shooting you solve this problem? No? Then shut up.
[p]: If you're mean the fire, that's our solution to last week's problem. // FUNCTIONS, BKF // Swear list, BKSL bannedSwear fuck shit ass dick prick hoe cock sex cuck bitch pussy // Makes a default list so there's no syntax errors when the list is empty makeDefaultList() => p = [] p.push("Person A") p.push("Person B") p.push("Person C") p.push("Person D") p.push("Person E") p.push("Person F") return p makePersonList() => p = people if (p.length == 0){ p = makeDefaultList().consumableList } return (p.consumableList) // Used to make a consumable person list makeUnconsumablePersonList() => p = people.consumableList if (people.getLength == 0){ p = ["Person A", "Person B", "Person C", "Person D", "Person E", "Person F"] } pList = [] for (var i = 0; i < p.getLength; i++){ pList[i] = p.selectOne } return (pList) // Makes a Quote list according to user input specifications and makes every quote within equally probable to happen makeQuoteList() => var q = [] numNames = people.getLength if (numPeople > numNames && numPeople != 7 && people.indexOf("Person A") == -1){ return(errorMessage) } if (!shippingDisabled){ if (numPeople == 1 || numPeople == 7){ q.push("[singleQuotes.shipping.sfw] ^[" + singleQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 2 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 2){ q.push("[doubleQuotes.shipping.sfw] ^[" + doubleQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 3 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 3){ q.push("[tripleQuotes.shipping.sfw] ^[" + tripleQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 4 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 4){ q.push("[quadQuotes.shipping.sfw] ^[" + quadQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 5 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 5){ q.push("[pentaQuotes.shipping.sfw] ^[" + pentaQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 6 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 6){ q.push("[hexaQuotes.shipping.sfw] ^[" + hexaQuotes.shipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (!nsfwDisabled){ if (numPeople == 1 || numPeople == 7){ q.push("[singleQuotes.shipping.nsfw] ^[" + singleQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 2 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 2){ q.push("[doubleQuotes.shipping.nsfw] ^[" + doubleQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 3 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 3){ q.push("[tripleQuotes.shipping.nsfw] ^[" + tripleQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 4 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 4){ q.push("[quadQuotes.shipping.nsfw] ^[" + quadQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 5 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 5){ q.push("[pentaQuotes.shipping.nsfw] ^[" + pentaQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 6 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 6){ q.push("[hexaQuotes.shipping.nsfw] ^[" + hexaQuotes.shipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } } } if (!nonshippingDisabled){ if (numPeople == 1 || numPeople == 7){ q.push("[singleQuotes.nonshipping.sfw] ^[" + singleQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 2 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 2){ q.push("[doubleQuotes.nonshipping.sfw] ^[" + doubleQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 3 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 3){ q.push("[tripleQuotes.nonshipping.sfw] ^[" + tripleQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 4 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 4){ q.push("[quadQuotes.nonshipping.sfw] ^[" + quadQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 5 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 5){ q.push("[pentaQuotes.nonshipping.sfw] ^[" + pentaQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 6 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 6){ q.push("[hexaQuotes.nonshipping.sfw] ^[" + hexaQuotes.nonshipping.sfw.getLength + "]") } if (!nsfwDisabled){ if (numPeople == 1 || numPeople == 7){ q.push("[singleQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw] ^[" + singleQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 2 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 2){ q.push("[doubleQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw] ^[" + doubleQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 3 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 3){ q.push("[tripleQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw] ^[" + tripleQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 4 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 4){ q.push("[quadQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw] ^[" + quadQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 5 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 5){ q.push("[pentaQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw] ^[" + pentaQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } if (numPeople == 6 || numPeople == 7 && numNames >= 6){ q.push("[hexaQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw] ^[" + hexaQuotes.nonshipping.nsfw.getLength + "]") } } } return (q) // Automatically assigns names to person number identities (eg: p1, p2, p3, etc) assignNames(pList) => numNames = people.getLength p = makePersonList().consumableList if (numPeople >= 1 && numNames >= 1){ p1 = p.selectOne } if (numPeople >= 2 && numNames >= 2){ p2 = p.selectOne } if (numPeople >= 3 && numNames >= 3){ p3 = p.selectOne } if (numPeople >= 4 && numNames >= 4){ p4 = p.selectOne } if (numPeople >= 5 && numNames >= 5){ p5 = p.selectOne } if (numPeople >= 6 && numNames >= 6){ p6 = p.selectOne } // Replaces swears with asterisks censorSwears(str) => if (!swearsCensored){ return(str) }else{ uncensoredString = str.toString() censoredString = uncensoredString bSwears = bannedSwear.consumableList for (var i = 0; i < bannedSwear.getLength; i++){ swear = bSwears.selectOne.toString() swearStart = censoredString.lowerCase.indexOf(swear) while (swearStart != -1){ swearEnd = censoredString.lowerCase.indexOf(swear) + swear.length censoredString = censoredString.slice(0, swearStart + 1) + makeAsterisks(swear.length - 1) + censoredString.slice(swearEnd, censoredString.length) swearStart = censoredString.lowerCase.indexOf(swear) } } } return(censoredString) // Makes an asterisk string of a specific length makeAsterisks(len) => astStr = "" for (var i = 0; i < len; i++){ astStr = astStr + "*" } return(astStr) // Searches quote for names and replaces them with select a new name code because I have made horrible decisions that have caused this to be the only course of action that doesn't break literally everything replaceNames() => // Make replacement list for corresponding name replacements repQuote = curQuote pList = makePersonList() curPList = [] for (var i = 0; i < pList.getLength; i++){ if (repQuote.indexOf(pList[i]) != -1){ curPList.push(pList[i]) } } // Add markers to mark which names correspond to which places for (var i = 0; i < curPList.getLength; i++){ marker = "MARKER" + i nameStart = repQuote.lowerCase.indexOf(curPList[i].lowerCase) while (nameStart != -1){ nameEnd = nameStart + curPList[i].length repQuote = repQuote.slice(0, nameStart) + marker + repQuote.slice(nameEnd) nameStart = repQuote.lowerCase.indexOf(curPList[i].lowerCase) } } // Replace markers with names for (var i = 0; i < curPList.getLength; i++){ name = pList.selectOne marker = "MARKER" + i markerStart = repQuote.indexOf(marker) while (markerStart != -1){ markerEnd = repQuote.indexOf(marker) + 7 repQuote = repQuote.slice(0, markerStart) + name + repQuote.slice(markerEnd) markerStart = repQuote.indexOf(marker) } } curQuote = repQuote return (repQuote) // Comment code, BKC commentsPlugin = {import:comments-plugin} commentOptions width = 80% newestCommentsAtTop = true bannedWords = fuck your mom,faggot,retard,nigger,Hitler,cbt,sex number cringe tikTok wouldn't get it,hor knee,breeding,balls in yo jaws,balls in your jaws blurbBeforeComms I am no longer taking suggestions from the comments. I'm now taking them here. (I made a Tumblr to help manage the generator).
I'm keeping the comments up because people seem to enjoy sharing some of the quotes they got. Feel free to talk a bit with one another about other comments made or share an incorrect quote blog (or something else similar), but please do not roleplay in the comments and always remember to stay safe.
P.S. Please refrain from reporting about the wrong-replacement-shuffle-name glitch as there is no current way I am aware of to fix that. The shuffle names button was always more of a bonus feature to me than anything else as you could alwways just replace the names yourself for whatever purpose you're using it for, so I don't intend to put more work into making it function than I already have. // Tips: // - Highlight multiple lines and press Tab or Shift+Tab to indent and un-indent them all an once // - You can change the URL of your generator by clicking the "settings" button in the top-right // - Use this template if you want your generator to be vertically centered on the page: perchance.org/centered-minimal#edit // - Add background images, fonts, and other stuff with plugins: perchance.org/plugins // - Here are some templates that you can use to create nice-looking generators without learning HTML and CSS: perchance.org/templates // - Use the "layout maker" plugin to create complex layouts without learning how to code: perchance.org/layout-maker-plugin // - Here are some generators you might like to import: perchance.org/useful-generators // - Read this page after reading the tutorial: perchance.org/examples // - There's a "wrap" button in the top-right if your lines are really long. If you add $output=[this.joinItems(" ")] as the first item in your list, then writing [yourListName] will magically output all of the items joined together, rather than a random item from the "yourListName" list. // - Ask our friendly community members if you need help: reddit.com/r/perchance // \( ﾟヮﾟ)/